My ex-husband DID know ( I told him) he and accepted it and he never got it. My current BF does know there's a chance he could get it and accepts it. There was only one time I did not tell. That person, an ex BF, is still in my life. It's been a year and a half since we were last together and He doesn't have it. I know he was tested for all diseases, (I don't know whether that included a test for HSV.) That was and is my experience and no it wasn't all honest and perfect. I never said it was.

Why am I getting attacked and blasted constantly on this board for expressing an honest view? I've had it for over two decades, I know what I'm talking about, and 99% of the time it's NOT PRESENT NOR IS IT A PROBLEM. I've never given it to anyone. I've only had sex with three men since I got it back in the 80s. Two of them knew my condition and one didn't. But most importantly, none of them have got it.

Why all the judgment about my character?

All this stuff is easy for all of you without it to get on your high horses and say do this or that. But when morons call me evil and say I deserve to be beat up, I'm inclined to be driven further into anonymity..Plus I have to ask them, if they think they are so pristine, then how do THEY know they don't have anything that could be passed on? Catherine.

Catherine, you write: "I know he was tested for all diseases, (I don't know whether that included a test for HSV.)"

Then the only thing you know is that he doesn't have any symptoms, which isn't the same thing. If he's lucky, he doesn't have anything, but you basically took a gamble for him. I would hate for someone to do that to me. That would speak to me of a basic lack of concern for my well-being.

It's simple: the fact that "he didn't get it" doesn't retroactively justify not telling him. As for the two men you told, they made an INFORMED CHOICE, which is what everybody is asking, as far as I know. At least, that's all I'm asking. Let the people you want to be involved with decide whether they can handle the risk or not, that's all.

And as for what you call the judgment over your character, I don't know you, so what I'm judging is purely what you said: the rationalisations and the excuses for not telling. You think that some idiot verbally abusing you on this board is a good reason enough not to tell the truth to your partners? That's an excuse. I have no idea where you got that percentage of 99% but guess what? If I (or anyone else) decide that I can't handle that "1%" risk (again, I doubt it's so little, or so many people wouldn't get it) of catching herpes, that's my choice, not yours, because that's my health at stake. I would think it's obvious. I'm not responsible for the social stigma, or for the fact that you don't want to be judged, but no one deserves to risk being contaminated because the person who has herpes "doesn't want to be judged" or wants to get laid or doesn't want to risk the relationship. It's selfish, period, and it's putting your comfort and your desire before other people.

It's easy for me to say "just do this"? Well, I think it's easy for you to say "I never gave it to anyone" and "I'm tired of getting judged, so that's one more reason not to tell." It should be clear from my post that I'm not judging you for catching herpes (how could I? Most of the people who caught it got it because of bad luck, or bad information, or because their partner didn't know or was irresponsible.), but that I was criticising the rationalisations and the contradictions in what you said. You keep repeating that some people who think they're "clean" can have it, which voids your affirmation that you never gave it to someone. Add: "as far as I know", that would be more accurate.

Anyway, all the rationalisations I'm seeing here are convincing me even more to be extra-careful about using condoms and about asking very specific questions before getting involved with someone (and asking to see tests), because clearly people will come up with any excuse to justify their silence when they want to get laid, and if they're doing it with herpes, they might be doing it with other diseases.

1. If you have an STD, you MUST inform any perspective sexual partner. It is a crime and morally indefensible if you know you have an STD and don't inform them.

2. It is morally indefensible to NOT get tested routinely and regularly. It DOES negatively affect your long term health if you have STD's.

3. If a woman were to tell me she had an STD I no longer have an interest in fucking her, period. Anyone who does is playing russian roulette. There are too many other women and options.

Does that mean no oral sex from anyone who has HSV 1 in their system? That's exactly the same thing as genital herpes - just a different location. If you've been reading any of the posts you can see that it can be passed from the mouth to the genitals. So that's about 70% of the population. And do you REALLY know what your status is?

If a woman were to tell me she had an STD I no longer have an interest in fucking her, period. Anyone who does is playing russian roulette. There are too many other women and options.

That's why some women never tell. They can't sniff men like this out.

For the record, after much perusal of this discussion thread, I told my partner yesterday. I told him everything - the type, the methods I was taking to prevent it, my other partners' bills of clean health, the transmission statistics, my number of outbreaks and symptoms past the first one (zero). He wished I would've told him sooner, but told me he trusted how I'd been protecting him from it with medication and safe practices. He later recalled that a doctor had told him that he had had herpes in his mouth when he was younger. Which means that we have the same virus, I just got mine in a different place. He understood that, too.

I am so relieved. Thanks for the POSITIVE support I received here. I did it. I no longer have to lie and hide. We didn't discuss sex in the future, but that's okay - maybe (hopefully) it'll happen in time, but in his own time. I am just over the moon that he now knows - and doesn't think it's a big deal at all.

-Good Girl, Educated Girl