Sorry, "anonymous," I very much disagree-- I am certainly NOT evil. Rather, like Good end Educated Girl, I'm a compulsive and over-the-top fanatic about protecting partners, and have only completely "not" told once. The other times it's been presented for discussion, as I mentioned. I've never been turned away from a potential partner. I was married 17 years. I have NEVER given this bug to anyone. Ever.

And like the other woman, I am educated with fewer than ten partners total my entire lifetime.

And please... "Evil" is a word that should be reserved for the Ted Bundy's, Jeffrey Dahmers or BTK killers of the world. Get a grip. It's people like you and your ignorant and paranoid attitudes that cause ordinary nice folks like me to feel the desire not to tell, especially when there is a "very small risk" (quoting the doctor) of transmitting it to partners, when the precautions we describe have been followed. And anonymous--how do you know YOU don't have "something" that has escaped the testing process? Even YOU, someone as pristine and pure as yourself, cannot ever be 100% sure.

I can say to everyone else, that over the years, the symptoms get almost non-existent, and I think that might be when most of the transmission happens unintentionally. Those people can almost forget they have it. But I say to everyone, you can never forget. You must always be diligent. Observe, protect and medicate.

People cannot know how this feels until they have walked in our shoes. I've been walking this path for decades and I know--this is a disease that is sometimes a nuisance but can be managed easily with medication. It lessens to an almost non-existent state over time. The WORST thing about it is the stigma.

Thanks to the doctor for the very informative answers to some excellent questions. Catherine.

Catherine, two things bother me in what you say:

- First, you say that you're sure you've NEVER given herpes to anyone. But then you turn around and say that even people who think they don't have anything could perfectly have herpes or something else, which pretty much negates your first assertion. It's entirely possible that you've given it to someone who remained asymptomatic (or who never told you anything because he didn't necessarily noticed until years later and didn't know for sure where he got it), and that this person passed it on to someone else, and so on and so forth.

- You repeat that with the precautions you take, there's very little risk that you could give herpes to someone. Not: no risk. You repeat that after time and medication, the symptoms almost disappear. Almost, but not quite. The bottom line for me is this, really:

You don't get to make that choice for other people. Let your partners decide whether they want to expose themselves to that "very little risk" or not. Let them decide whether they think that they can handle "the almost inexistant" symptoms and the necessity of taking medication for years. You don't get to dismiss these risks and these inconveniences for them just because you want to sleep with them. It's a rationalisation and it's dishonest.

You say that people calling you evil (and I don't think you are) cause you to hesitate about being perfectly honest about having herpes. I say that people coming up with that kind of rationalisations ("almost everyone has it, you'll probably catch it sooner or later", "it's no big deal", "with medication, you'll hardly notice") are what put me off.

It's quite simple: if someone told me simply and honestly that he had herpes from the begining and didn't try to influence my decision, I'd stay with that person if I liked him. It's not a deal breaker. But if he tried to feed me that line of bullshit about it being no big deal (maybe that's true after a few years of decreasing outbreaks and proper medication, but that's not the case for everybody. And even the people who think it's no big deal would rather not have it, I gather. And hey, I happen to think that having to take medication for years IS a big deal. ), I'd walk away. Because that kind of flippant attitude speaks of a serious sense of entitlement and a lack of concern for other people. It's not just what you say, it's how you say it. No one likes having herpes. So why try telling people that it's no big deal? Sure, you have to live with it once you have it, but if you could have avoided catching it, you would have. You don't have the excuse of not knowing you have it, so leave that choice to the people you want to have sex with.

Dola

Catherine.

In your latest post, you ask Anonymous "how do you know YOU don't have "something" that has escaped the testing process? Even YOU, someone as pristine and pure as yourself, cannot ever be 100% sure.".

And yet, in the same post, you insist, as you have in your prior posts, that you have not infected anyone.

Do you see the flaw in your logic?

If no one - including your former partners - can ever be 100% sure that they are not infected, you cannot be as certain as you seem to be that you haven't infected any of your partners. Any one of your former partners could be an asymptomatic carrier. And they could be passing it along to their partners. You can never be certain that they are not.

You insist that herpes is nothing more than a nuisance for you. Congratulations. We have heard from others for whom herpes has had far greater health consequences. Different humans react to the same disease in different ways, depending on the relative strengths and weaknesses of their genetic makeup, immune systems, overall general health, etc. We see it all the time with the common cold, or the flu. What is a mere nuisance to your health can be devastating to someone else's.

The reality is that anyone with herpes cannot (1) be 100% certain that they will not infect others and (2) know that someone they infect will experience the same symptoms, however mild, as they have.

And yet. You seem so certain that you have not infected anyone else with herpes. In fact, it seems like you're almost arguing that you cannot. And you seem so certain that your experience with herpes reflects the majority experience with the disease.

You. Are. Wrong.

There's no other way to say it. You are making fundamentally incorrect assertions and assumptions. You'll probably come back with - or someone else who has herpes will post in your defense - all sorts of excuses and justifications. But you cannot rationalize away the moral imperative that, until there is a cure for herpes - not a treatment, but a cure - anyone who has it has a duty to inform every one of their prospective partners of the risk of engaging in intimate behavior with them.