I may have the herpes virus - according to the lit, most of us do. But I have never had an outbreak. You have. I think having sex with you would increase my chances of getting an active case of herpes, i.e. an outbreak. I don't want an outbreak. I have a friend who has outbreaks. They are horrible. They look horrible, feel horrible, and make her deeply depressed. I don't want that. I don't want that. Is that clear to you? I don't want that!

I will always ask, "when was the last time you were tested for STDs? what were the results? have you been active since then?" But I shouldn't HAVE to ask that to ensure my safety. You, knowing what you know, cannot consider yourself a decent human being by witholding that information. Witholding that information means I am not able to make the most informed choice for myself. You can take all the Valtrex in the world, it doesn't change the fact that you're being a selfish bitch by witholding the information that KNOW you are infected, you've had outbreaks, and just can't be bothered being honest about something that might curtail your pleasure or your harm your reputation.

I honestly never knew about asymptomatic carriers before this series of letters. According to the good Dr. and my own calculations, it indeed seems that most new infections are from someone who was asymptomatic--either didn't know or wasn't having an outbreak and didn't think they could pass the virus.

Well in the light of this new knowledge how do *I* know if I'm an asymptomatic carrier!!! Should I ask for that IgG test or whatever? I've never had a cold sore on the lips or anywhere else. I've had yeast infections, now I'm paranoid!

This is for the "Anonymous" a couple pages back whose boyfriend gave her HSV-1 and didn't know he could pass it "that" way. I'm quite sure your boyfriend is telling the truth. I had an ex-boyfriend who suffered from terrible cold sores and was paranoid about kissing when he had a cold sore. He felt terrible because he felt he gave cold sores to his kids. The topic of whether it could be passed "That way" or when he didn't have a cold sore never came up. I'm quite sure he didn't know this stuff. It's not common knowledge. I'm obviously paranoid and I didn't know, and neither did my super-hypochondriac friend, the biggest hypochondriac in the world!

What a wonderful letter -- I couldn't agree more.

Whether it's sex or money or attention or [fill in compulsive need here], there will always be people who see others as objects for their use. It's banal, it's predatory, and in a word, it is the essence of evil. That is what evil means to me. The sad thing is, most of those who do this are absolutely convinced that they are Good People[TM] and defendably so, because every bad thing in their world is Someone Else's Fault.

If I choose to remain celibate in a relationship until the time is right for us *both*, and the other party is offended that I am waiting to give them sex, that only speaks to me of a sense of entitlement to my body, as though they saw me solely as fulfillment of their need, and I take it as the unmasking of their deception. There are many men who know the "give love, get sex" equation and use it successfully on women, but I have no use for these men. That is not love, nor is it relationship: it is a business transaction based on a dishonest premise and doomed to fail. Waiting, as you say, is a great way to weed these out. No one has a "right" to my services, and I see those who behave as though they do for what they are. No apologies.

I can't change the world, Anonymous, but I'm with you: give me that "working-class or dull or ugly person with a big nose and an honest heart treating everyone equally", and the rest of the world can keep their "just f**ks" category (as one poster called it). Great letter!

While we're on the subject, this is only tangential to herpes, but I'm not sure how common this is among the more affluent set. A few years ago a couple of books came out about the goings-on among the affluent young high-school and college crowd. One was "Our Guys" by Bernard Lefkowitz, about a case where some affluent young high-schoolers got a mentally challenged girl in the basement (she thought for once she was getting invited to one of their 'parties') and you know the rest of that story. But earlier in the book there were also parties where naive girls who weren't of their social set were invited and videotaped doing sexual acts in the bedrooms. The girls didn't know they were being videotaped, nor did they know the boys were watching the tapes together making fun of them, getting them to perform the sexual acts for purposes of getting the videotapes, and the naive girls from the wrong side of the tracks didn't know the affluent girls knew the score and knew what was going on. I am not excusing the naive girls who went to the parties and got videotaped, thinking this was how you got a boyfriend. My point is that the affluent kids only intended to date for serious within their own set, they knew this all along, they told each other the score, and they knew if they treated someone of their own set in a degrading way the story would get around and they'd get a reputation within their own set. They didn't worry about getting a reputation among the parents of the less affluent wannabe girls. The less affluent, less savvy wannabe girls were invited to the parties in order to get them to perform sex acts and videotape them.

While telling about this book I have to say that at least two affluent boys stood up for the mentally challenged girl. I guess some of the kids drew the line at the bona fide mentally challenged girl but maybe not at the naive girls who didn't have the strength or knowledge or training to say "I'm not going upstairs with you I know what goes on" or "drop dead maggot" or whatever the savvy sassy affluent in the know girl would say. Maybe the affluent girls didn't have to say anything because their families were powerful and prominent and the boys knew they had better keep those girls in the off limits category, for real girlfriends, or they'd get a rep. Again, I am not excusing behavior that is degrading or naive, I'm just saying class plays a part and if your family is not prominent in a certain social set, you are in very much danger of being in the "just good for kicks" category, and this is not talked about so many naive "everyone's equal" people do not know it. They go off to college and get invited to a frat party and think it means their chance to mingle with the affluent and change their lives, but I submit that the affluent already know who's considered fair game among their set and it's those who pose no social threat if a story gets around.

I submit the same thing goes on in the adult world. I submit there's a class and status element to who gets put in the "just fucks" category because people intend to date for serious among the social set to which they belong or aspire. People don't talk about status much except in certain novels. Tom Wolfe is my favorite right-winger (hurl) because he says everything is about status--and I think he's right. I also think he should be a lefty based on that fact alone. Anyway I submit that most wealthy guys in professional jobs would put me in their "just fucks" category because they never intend to date a woman from my kind of family background for serious. It behooves me to know it. Herpes is one reason it behooves me to be aware.

I wonder in the French Revolution how many aristocrats got dragged to the guillotine based on using poor people's sister sexually, maybe that only happened in novels too.

All intentional not-telling-of-herpes isn't because someone was in the "just fucks" category. But I submit that class and status are used to place people in that category, having absolutely nothing to do with character. I submit people judge character by "does that person have that polished middle to upper middle class look and demeanor." This should be the source of a great rage and I believe in those who catch on, it is. I believe others misplace their rage onto gender issues because they do not see the class issues at play. I'm talkin' to you bright guy. Not about herpes of course--about what I think is the true source of your rage. There are more class and status issues at play in the US than people realize, and people judge others' character on things like how much power the person's family or origin wields. The U.S. isn't getting any more egalitarian these days--it's back to aristocracy and that means in sexual treatment too. Aspire to date the affluent if you are from a poor background, knock yourself out--but like Molly Ringwald in that movie don't forget to say "I didn't come here to get you off"