That's what keeps bothering me, too, Nicole.

I think I had pretty much deducted from my own observations out there in the dating world that people seem to treat those in their "could be a relationship" category differently from their "just for utility purposes" category...based on other signs besides STD behavior. Now it seems to be the rule that people have a two-month time period between beginning to have sex and talking about whether they are exclusive. This seems a recent development in the last 15 years as far as I know. Both male and female friends have jumped my shit "ADULTS NEED SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for wanting to be like 15 years ago and say something sweetly along the lines of "I have to be in a relationship" That's nOT meant to be manipulative to get them in a relationship, it's meant to make sure I don't go to bed with someone who has me in their "just for sex for now" category without my knowledge. Because I totally think a ton of people have a "just for sex for now" category reserved for those who don't make the grade and rate the "aboveboard treatment." Of course no one reading THIS would operate like that! but...they're out there. They can talk a good game for a while too. The only way I know to make sure I'm not the hapless dupe who is getting the "not worthy" treatment is to wait to have sex until the person is what they used to call "emotionally invested." People act like that's some kind of crime now, waiting until the other person is "emotionally invested" ... 15 years ago it was the standard advice. Now it's supposedly manipulative. But to me, emotionally it's not worth it to find out I was probably thought of as "not worthy category" all along. Let alone from a disease perspective. I think many people have two categories and they know it. "Adults need sex!!!!" so that is what the "not worthy" category is for! When someone is in the "worthy" category the person is afraid they will find the Valtrex in the cabinet later and they know they have to tell up front, as they don't want to lose the person's respect. When someone is in the "not worthy" category, they know they don't expect to see the person long enough for them to see the Valtrex in the cabinet.

What's even sadder is I think people decide their categories based on superficial qualities that are not even that person's fault. Someone could end up in someone else's "not worthy of telling up front" category because they didn't go to a certain level of school or they have a big nose or their job is not prestigious or they come from the wrong side of the tracks or their banter is not quite snappy enough or whatever. I am sorry to be so suspicious but I think this is exactly how a lot of people operate. They need a pool of sex outlets so they make one out of rationalizing how certain types are not worthy anyway.

A working-class or dull or ugly person with a big nose and an honest heart treating everyone equally is worth 10000000 educated polished beautiful people who operate with "two categories" based on who's "worthy."

I hope I'm wrong but I think that's exactly how a lot of people operate, not just as far as STD's but as far as who gets the above-board treatment in certain things as well.

Another way to look at it is that naive people have made themselves into a ready pool of prostitutes for the use of the non-naive, and they're not even charging. I'm sorry if that's a mean way to look at it but that's how I feel about myself and my own naivete in a couple of instances.

For anyone wondering why I have to tell anyone else when my husband gave it to me, we're no longer married. With luck, I will not have to have this conversation again--I'm remarrying.

The herpes is not the reason why we're no longer married. However, I never forgot that he had it, knew he had it, and did not tell me until he had to.

Can the doctor clarify...

First of all, I do not want to hijack this place as an Online medical consultation. There are other venues for this including www.netwellness.org. Where I do answer questions like this from a professional point of view. In here, I wanted to express my opinion, a POLITICAL and SOCIALLY charged opinion.

...--can we consider ourselves relatively "safe" from shedding? Especially if we take valtrex or famvir and never have sex when even a hint of a tingle is there?

I would say that the chances of transmission are small, but not zero under the circumstances you describe.

Can he clarify if there is really such a thing as asymptomatic shedding, or is this overstated and unproven?

Asymptomatic shedding is a very much proven fact, and is probably the most common instance in which HSV-2 Transmission takes place. In longitudinal studies, 2/3 of the people that acquired HSV-2 infection did so from an asymptomatic partner.

Moreover, in studies in which HSV-2 infection is detected by sero-conversion (appearance of HSV-2 specific antibodies, which CAN distinguish HSV-2 from HSV-1 infection) only 37% of the individuals remember any kind of genital lesions or symptoms , suggesting that the majority of infections were subclinical, asymptomatic.

-I've heard from several doctors that it's next to impossible to transmit this malady if there is not a visible open sore.

That view is not supported by these studies:

Risk factors for the sexual transmission of genital herpes.

Mertz GJ; Benedetti J; Ashley R; Selke SA; Corey L

Ann Intern Med 1992 Feb 1;116(3):197-202.

Risk of acquisition of genital herpes simplex virus type 2 in sex partners of persons with genital herpes: a prospective couple study.

Bryson Y; Dillon M; Bernstein DI; Radolf J; Zakowski P; Garratty E

J Infect Dis 1993 Apr;167(4):942-6.

The chances of transmission may be higher if there is intercourse in the presence of active lesions, but there is definite risk of transmission in their absence.

And if it truly is possible, then why do many of us long-term carriers seem to NOT transmit it?

Multiple possible explanations: The frequency and the amount of shedding decreases as time goes by. There could be some level of transmission but it tends to be sub clinical. HSV-2 has genetic variability and some strains may be more virulent, more transmissible and more symptom generating than others.