yes, asshole, you have to tell him. Are you that stupid?

I have genital herpes I (contracted from oral sex with someone who was getting a cold sore). The worst part was the initial outbreak, and the initial shame associated with having a "life-long" STD. Two months later, after doing some research, my self-esteem recovered fully. I have never been rejected based on the virus, and I have always told people in advance. Condoms are always used. No one has contracted it.

The best way to ensure you aren't rejected is to not sound apologetic. Don't apologize! You didn't mean to catch this disease, and if you're up front and careful, you won't be passing it on.

Did the letter writer say she was a woman? I missed it. Anyway. I have a male friend in the same situation, and he's asked me the same question (late at night, depressed, miserable, and horny, after he told the truth and the gal blew him off). He said, "If I hadn't told, I'd be getting laid right now. Why do I get punished for doing the right thing?" And I said, yeah, that sucks... but still you have to do the right thing. Herpes isn't usually serious, but it can be serious, especially for a woman. It's more than just a cold sore. You cannot, cannot, do that to other people.

Everyone posting on this subject is so darned polite! Yay Salon readers and the rule of civility, but really, it makes my head spin that no one has said what surely a lot of people are thinking: I hate you people. The disease-spreaders, I mean. The ones posting about how the chance of asymptomatic transmission is very low, justifying their criminal behavior against the very people they pretend to love (or at least like enough to have sex with). You do not have the right to expose other people without telling them. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. It's because of schmucks like you that the problem exists in the first place. Everyone go get tested, stop making excuses for the people who don't know what's living in their own groins, then everyone tell the truth about it. Please.

This is for the Anonymous who said that he got tested and found out that he wasn't the carrier who had given Herpes to his wife.

Others have stated repeatedly that there IS no test if you aren't having an outbreak.

Which is it?

I never realized (till today) what many of you are saying, that a person can be a carrier and not know it, and that there's no test?

Now let me get this straight. I'm a woman, disease-free as far as I know. I'm supposed to wait until an emotional bond has developed and I know it's not just casual sex. I'm supposed to help this attraction develop along by having long make-out sessions during those early dates before we know if it's heading to bed. I'm supposed to stay out of "hookup culture" in order to avoid those who don't care about me enough to inform me if they have something.

And yet, if I don't put out by the third date, I'm a frigid, prissy Rules girl and if I have a long make-out session that doesn't end in sex that same night I'm a cockteaser.

These things do not seem to add up. Three dates are NOT long enough to form that bond or to tell if an emotional bond has a chance of forming or it's just for fun. I believe a lot of people use the excuse that if I had "casual sex" I deserve not to be told, I was asking for a disease. Sorry, that's what I think some people think. I think a lot of people put people in "relationship" category or "casual sex" category and don't respect the people in their "Casual sex" category enough to inform them and let them choose to protect themselves.

And yet, if I don't put out by three dates, I'm a frigid, cockteasing, prissy Rules girl.

I don't get it. These do not seem to add up. Does this really add up for anybody?

if so, how? Pretend I'm a complete dummy (because I obviously am) and use really short sentences.

Are people having the long make-out session on the first date and "The Talk" on the second and getting tested before the third date, presenting their results on the third date? I highly doubt it. I can believe an emotional bond can form quickly, but I believe it's a big risk. I believe any horndog is willing to put on an act for 3 dates in order to get laid, and would put their partner in the "casual sex" category and not care if they caught something or not. The person who posted "if they're whoring around they obviously don't care so why should I" ... I do not think that person is in a small minority. I think that person is possibly the rule not the exception. Maybe I don't deserve romance and relationships because I'm so suspicious but I am that suspicious!

Why is sex on the first date "casual sex" but sex on the third date is supposed to be enough to tell if there's an emotional bond? When is all this time "determining if a bond is forming and leading to sex" supposed to happen? In three dates?

Of course this would all make sense in the way things made sense about 15 years ago if the "Three-date" rule was b.s. But I keep hearing it. I wish I had real statistics on this.

I have some experience with this topic, my wife had a primary outbreak of Herpes before we were married, and long after we started to date and had unprotected sex. She had never had symptoms before, but was going through an unusually stressful time in her life. Herpes love stress.

Anyway, she was shocked and dismayed. I was tested to see if I had given this to her, I was negative, so it was something she contracted long ago and never had any symptoms until this primary outbreak. She continued to have outbreaks almost every month, quite a lot until she started taking Valtrex daily as suppressive therapy. Since then not a single episode. There are trials that indicate that when suppressive therapy is used, it drastically reduces the rate of transmission. We have a great sex-life now with no fears of Herpes. We are anxiously awaiting a vaccine that we have heard is a year or two away.

This all was very traumatic for us, but we made it through. Since we were already sexually active, it wasn't like we had to break the ice over this topic. My advice is to protect your partners by looking into taking a daily suppressive therapy. It has worked well for us, some piece of mind. Women can unfortunately pass this on with out knowing they are having an outbreak if the outbreak is present in the Uterus. Herpes is much more bothersome to women when the sores are present on the vagina. Something on the order of 20-30% of all adults have Herpes, and most men do not have symptoms noticeable enough to know they are carriers. Also, cold sores are herpes too, HSV-1 to be exact, and with the increase of oral sex practices, more and more HSV-1 infections are being spread to the genital areas, and classic genital herpes, HSV-2 are being spread to oral sites. Most times these cross infections do not take as strongly and often never cause re-occourant infections.

One final thought here. The US government has recently stated that all Americans should be tested for HIV/AIDS as part of routine medical visits. Since partners with HSV-2 (genital herpes) are 80% more likely to contact HIV when exposed to this virus though sexual contact because the HSV facilitates the contraction of HIV, it makes sense to make this STD a priority as well. I hope for a vaccine in the near future, more transparency and less stigma over this virus. We can all learn something from Herpes.