... but the real world isn't so neatly clever. Despite the well publicized statistics of how prevalent the herpes viruses are, there remains the stigma of an STD. And what the Valtrex ads don't mention, but which might be inferred if anyone thought about WHY ELSE besides not exposing your partner you might want to prevent outbreaks, is that the virus can make you feel awful physically. So yeah, sometimes I am indeed thinking about the fact that I have this virus. I may be waiting for my change at the drug store, feeling crappy and feverish and in enough pain that it's difficult to walk, not thinking about sex but about how I can't tell my employer why I called out sick. It doesn't happen as frequently as it used to, but it does still happen occasionally. I got this virus from the first guy I ever slept with - 25 years ago. I've been dealing with it for a long time, and have managed to have relatively normal relationships. I've tried the dating sites for those with herpes, and while there are plenty of nice people for the most part the only thing we all have in common is the virus. I haven't been brave enough to try using the word "herpes" in a personal ad, but I have responded to some that used it: people that I was otherwise interested in. Yeah, of course you tell prospective sexual partners. Thanks, Cary for the judgmental tone of "the reason alcoholics don't have to disclose their alcoholism up front is that it's not an STD". Herpes is still a punchline, and you aren't helping.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. And no.

First of all, it is good that you've acknowledged that you can't act in the moment anymore. This kind of thing just plain sucks. Odds are, it sucks that you need to be the responsible one because someone wasn't responsible with you. It sucks because this STD is pretty much a modern-day leprosy, and the emotional and social effects can be far more damaging than the effects of the disease itself. But you seem to be taking responsibility, which is a very good thing.

Given that I'm assuming that you're not telling people that you meet at parties or random passers-by or people at work that you have herpes, putting it on an Internet dating site is probably not a great idea either. If you want to keep the information private, having it in an ad with your picture attached is *NOT* a way to do that. Similarly, it is probably quite unnecessary to mention it when you're on a first date with someone that you have no connection with whatsoever.

But, unlike a previous poster, I think telling someone when you're in the heat of the moment is pretty stupid and irresponsible. If you're having this conversation when someone is turned on and will agree to just about anything, you're not being as responsible or mature as you need to be.

So... somewhere in between is appropriate, when someone knows you well enough to look past the disease and make an informed choice, but doesn't misinterpret your cautious behavior as a lack of interest. Doesn't need to be formal and clinical (although Cary's suggestion is probably a little on the cheesy side!), but you do need to be up front with it before anything happens. Sure, it might be a little up front to ask someone if they're interested in having sex with you after the third date or something, but it is the right thing to do, and if you handle it responsibly, he or she will respect you for it.

There are no clear-cut answers, though. It'll be different from person to person.

And hey, if someone is still a little squeamish about the idea, you can negotiate and start out with things that are lower-risk. Not all intimate, long-term relationships have to involve full-on intercourse right away, and there are some people (gasp!) who do save sex for marriage.

But one thing that I would really, really, REALLY recommend is some type of counseling/therapy. Adjusting to the social effects of this type of disease can be rough, especially when you might not be able to talk with very many people about it.

Of someone who didn't bother to mention that he had herpes. That is, until I woke up one morning with an itchy burning sensation in my nether regions and gave him a phone call (yes, we had used a condom). Only then did he bother to mention it. His excuse? "Most people have it anyway," as though that meant that if I hadn't caught it from him, I would catch from someone else eventually.

Luckily for me it was only a yeast infection. Since that moment, I've seen his *ssh*le nature shine through brightly in many other ways.

LW, I applaud your courage and willingness to be honest. You might lose out on some hookups, but it is your partners right to skip a 1-night stand if it means they can avoid catching a lifelong disease (just as it should have been your right). Believe me, you will find plenty of folks who will not care about your status for whatever reason.

And, as others have noted, the right person will stick around anyway. If, however, you lie (by omission) to that person the first time you are intimate, then you have not only exposed them to a disease, you have also lost their trust. Not a good way to start a relationship.

Good luck, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

(please excuse the caps, this is important)....

EVERY WOMAN ON SALON SHOULD GET THE HPV VACCINE!!!!

HPV can cause genital warts and abnormal pap smears.....eventually leading to CERVICAL CANCER!

The Guardasil vaccine prevents four of the worst strains. Ladies, unless you are married to a man you can trust completely, you are at risk. As you get older, the number of sexual partners your partners have had increases. Which means that the older you are, the more at risk you are.

Right now the vaccince is only available to women 11-26yr old. This is the first time I've heard of an age and gender restriction on a vaccine, and I believe the reason is more political than medical. I am 29 and just got my first dose (a nice doctor who was willing to give it "off-label"). Try the travel clinic or adult immunization clinic in your city.

I would urge men to get it to, but they won't give it to you. My boyfriend begged and pleaded but got nowhere. Since I once had an abnormal pap that led to a diagnosis of early cervical cancer, if we stop using condoms he will almost certainly become a vector for my strain (that is, he will catch it and carry it silently to his next partner). I'm betting that the regulations will change in a few years, but in the meantime we're looking at thousands more women infected unnecessarily with HPV.

Take care of yourselves ladies, no one else can do it for you.