...for those of us who have had it decades and have never transmitted it to long-term partners--can we consider ourselves relatively "safe" from shedding? Especially if we take valtrex or famvir and never have sex when even a hint of a tingle is there?

Can he clarify if there is really such a thing as asymptomatic shedding, or is this overstated and unproven? I've heard from several doctors that it's next to impossible to transmit this malady if there is not a visible open sore. That would mean that asymptomatic shedding is largely a myth. And if it truly is possible, then why do many of us long-term carriers seem to NOT transmit it? I'd be interested in a real medical opinion.I think I will listen to the doctors before I listen to the ranting hate-mongers who've been posting here.

No Name Given wrote (sorry I don't know how to do italics):

{On the one hand, you say not telling someone is amoral and immoral. Therefore, if I hypothetically want to be with you (GOD ONLY KNOWS WHY), the right thing to do would be to tell you.

Except then you say that IF someone told you, you would tell them to get lost.

So. If there is any karma and justice in the world, you will meet someone one day who grows to love and adore you and you will feel the same. And they would tell you. And then you would reject her cruelly and unkindly for being honest and straightforward. And then you would spend the rest of your pathetic days miserable and alone longing for something you will never have.}

You're completely off the mark, No Name Given. He will never pine for and regret his treatment of any stupid woman. Since (from what he writes) this person's dealings with women are completely superficial, pure transaction, lacking in any warmth, perceived loyalty or any emotional complexity whatsoever, and seemingly based entirely on financially-based (from woman's point of view) quid pro quo, what is much more likely to happen is that the woman doesn't tell him anything and he gets his nice little STD. That I could definitely picture.

I wrote the letter that was quoted in part by an anonymous writer I shall call "Good Girl, Educated Girl." Seeing as how my missive was lumped-together with the person who wrote "Those of you who don't tell are low-life bastards - I hope the person you didn't have the balls and character to tell, the person you infect, I hope they beat the shit out of you..." I am compelled to respond...

Here is the sentence I wrote that was quoted: "Chances are they have it too if they indulge in casual sex. If not, there are plenty of infected potential partners out there. Just move on..." I didn't say nor mean to imply that ALL people who engage in casual sex have herpes, just that there it is more likely that someone will catch herpes during casual sex vs. sex with someone you care about enough to be in a relationship with, assuming that both partners value honesty in their relationships. And since casual sex is, well, casual, then what is the problem with sticking with partners who are already infected?

I don't think that people suffering from any STD (including AIDS) should be placed in the same category as child molesters. The letters like the one I quoted above truly sicken me; those writers should look in the mirror and repeat the phrase "There but for the grace of fate go I" a hundred times. (Sorry, I'm a non-believer so I am leaving God out of this.) But some of the angry letters that I have read aren't painting a scarlet letter on herpes sufferers as a whole, but are a reaction to people with herpes who have rationalize away any responsibility for informing potential sexual partners of their condition. I can understand their feelings even if I do not always agree with the way in which they express their anger.

But all this discussion begs the question: How did herpes become such a problem and get spread to so many people?" I find it hard to believe that every infection was the result of heartless people discovering that they have herpes and then consciously going out and having unprotected sex when they knew that they were infectious. I think that many, if not most of the infections resulted from average people having sex before they knew that they were infected or by people who thought that they had the disease under control by taking drugs and/or closely monitoring their condition.

I think that a person infected with a contagious disease has the moral responsibility to either abstain from sexual activity with others or at least inform potential partners of their condition before engaging in sexual relations. It is just the decent thing to do.

Herpes may not be life-threatening, but it certainly is life-altering. "Good Girl, Educated Girl" should try to remember how she felt when she first learned that she had contracted herpes. Did it really matter to her that the person who gave her the disease was ignorant about his condition? She cannot claim to be ignorant about her condition, so she is obligated to be forthcoming with her sexual partners. No one is saying that she has to tell "everyone and their brother," unless she is sleeping with everyone and their brother. She just has to be honest with her potential sexual partners so that they can give informed consent to having sexual relations with her.

All the reasons that I have read here for not telling potential partners about herpes can be boiled down to this: the writers are afraid that they won't be able to have sex with everyone that they are interested in. While this is understandable, it isn't a good reason for hiding their infection from potential partners. It is self-centered reasoning that cannot be justified, no matter how much money they have spent on doctors and medication or how sure they are that they know when they are infectious or by always practicing "safer sex."

The best and longest-lasting relationships, whether or not they include sex, are based on honesty and trust. I wouldn't bet a dime that "Good Girl, Educated Girl's" relationship with her boyfriend will last, even if he never finds out about her condition, because she has set it up to fail by not being totally honest with him. She will have to live a lie for as long as the relationship lasts, hide her meds and the real reason she is going to the doctor and make up reasons why she cannot have sex with him when she is suffering from an outbreak. Even if she can keep the truth about her condition from him, the lack of honesty will manifest itself in other ways and doom the relationship to failure.

I can't speak for her boyfriend, but if I was interested in a woman enough to consider having a serious relationship with her and she had the personal integrity and courage to tell me that she had herpes, I would be very impressed and it would not deter me from having a sexual relationship with her. I would not blame her for contracting herpes, just as I wouldn't blame a woman who had been raped. I would be confident that we would be able to minimize the chance that I would be infected, based on what I know about herpes. And I would know that she is a woman worth getting to know and that the relationship had a very good chance to blossom and grow into something special.

But if I were to discover that a woman had been dishonest with me about something so basic as her health and that I had been put at risk, however minimal that risk might appear to be, it would not matter to me why she decided to not be honest with me. I would walk away and never look back. There are some lines that should not be crossed in a relationship.