Sorry if my meaning was lost last night since I wrote the letter at 2am after having a few drinks out on the town.

I'm not saying that these "talks" don't happen because everyone is viewed as a casual sex person worthy of no respect. I'm saying in the dating world I've been in for the past 20 years (that encompasses 4 major cities) most people just whip out a condom on the first sexual encounter. I get myself tested regularly but the vast majority of people don't. I know that if I get something (which has only happened once in 20 years, btw, all you who think us casual sex people are just oozing with all sorts of things) I can easily treat it because I'm well versed on STIs and don't have this hysterical reaction that so many posting here do. The stigma that continues to surround STIs is just ridiculous and why so many people refuse to get regular testing. I have friends with herpes and they get along just fine, I know its not the end of the world where the giver deserves a death sentence as some here claim.

Whats interesting is that the non-testers just think that if someone "looks clean" and seems like a "nice" person because they've gone the obligatory (insert your number here) of sexless dates everything is A-OK. They stop using condoms after a month or so if the woman is using other birth control. These are the same people who have a hysterical view of STIs in my experience. They do nothing to ascertain their risk but are judgemental of those who do while using very bizarre methods of rationalizing their abandonment of condoms or because they've had a "talk".

Maybe you think my casual approach to this is wrong. Fine. But at least I know my status every 6 months unlike most people. Maybe it seems strange that I bother to test but abandon condoms when the guy seems comfortable with it but I personally hate them and am glad to see them out of the picture. They can be very irritating if the sex lasts long. And irritation actually will increase your chances of infection, which is also why I don't like to use condoms with spermacide in the lube. A friend of mine gets yeast infections from condoms. There aren't many people out there who say "Yeah, condoms!" Most men I know want women to be on the pill for this reason.

And when I say casual sex, for me it just means sex without commitment. I don't have sex with men I don't want to be in relationships with but there is some time of sexual activity going on before commitment so thats why I'm using the term "casual" here. I'm not having "talks" with them because I view them as less than human, just that I know these "talks" are mostly pointless because most people don't get tested so just having them say "I've only been with one person this year, I don't notice anything wrong with me" means absolutley nothing to me. And really, unless you both go to the clinic together to have your tests, having "talks" is really pretty pointless as many people can be asymptomatic all their lives. Testing really is the barometer, not number of partners or lengths of those relationships, which these "talks" usually are about.

And yes, I want a show of hands of people here who give blow jobs with condoms and who use dental dams. Really, I've never heard of this outside of paid sex. Thats what that "anonymous" comment was about in the other letter. And the only reason I said "big-city" was because NYC is one of the few places I've heard of that has public sex clubs. Most smaller places are underground. So that wasn't implying that I think you can only get STIs in big cities. That was absolutely not my intent and not my belief in any way. Big cities are where I prefer to meet people.

of your affliction. If you are aware you have it and don't tell it is a criminal act, in addition to being an ammoral/immoral one. If you told me I would tell you to get lost. It is selfish and full of shit not to tell. Try growing up.

This is to the Anonymous who said: "Whats interesting is that the non-testers just think that if someone "looks clean" and seems like a "nice" person because they've gone the obligatory (insert your number here) of sexless dates everything is A-OK. "

I agree with everything you said except for one thing. So many posters have said there IS no test. You say you get tested every six months.

IS. There. REally. A. Test. If so I agree completely with your approach. Then what is up with the people saying there is no test.

Is. There. Really. A. Test.

Thanks.

You are a real charmer.

On the one hand, you say not telling someone is amoral and immoral. Therefore, if I hypothetically want to be with you (GOD ONLY KNOWS WHY), the right thing to do would be to tell you.

Except then you say that IF someone told you, you would tell them to get lost.

So. If there is any karma and justice in the world, you will meet someone one day who grows to love and adore you and you will feel the same. And they would tell you. And then you would reject her cruelly and unkindly for being honest and straightforward. And then you would spend the rest of your pathetic days miserable and alone longing for something you will never have.

So who needs to grow up?

To the anonymous responding to the anonymous about testing...

I think what we have here is a conundrum.

There are a few people who say things like "I may be paranoid, but I get tested every 6 months." And that is true in the sense that they go to a doctor and get a bunch of tests done.

However, as others have mentioned, there is not a definitive test for Herpes UNLESS YOU ARE HAVING AN OUTBREAK. It is a culture type test. They take a scraping of the sore and can then identify whether the sore is HSV1 or HSV2 or some other kind of sore.

If you don't have an outbreak, there is a blood test that identifies whether you have been exposed to the virus by measuring whether you have *antibodies* present. This blood test does not distinguish between the antibodies for chickenpox or other related herpes viruses either, so a positive test for antibodies is essentially meaningless for determining whether you have HSV1 or HSV2 because it only tells you that you've been exposed generally to the family of viruses. You could get a positive blood test back and that will not tell you that you have genital herpes. It could mean you had chicken pox or that you get cold sores in your mouth (HSV1), but it is not in your genitals.

Those who get regular tests are, most likely, not being tested for the herpes virus because even when you say, "I WANT TO BE TESTED FOR EVERYTHING" you STILL have to specifically request an HIV test, and specifically request the HSV test (which, as I said above, is largely inaccurate and unhelpful). But you will get tested for other STDs.

I've been given a clean bill of health from my "test for everything" request, only to find out later that "everything" doesn't mean "everything." So the "I get tested regularly" person, is most likely, unaware of the distinction, as I once was.