“...nice people don’t talk about syphilis, nice people don’t

have syphilis, and nice people shouldn’t do anything

about those who do have syphilis.”

This 1937 analysis of the barriers to syphilis control in the

USA by Thomas Parran, a former Surgeon General, helps

us to understand why the control of this and other sexually

transmitted infections continues to fail worldwide. The

responses of governments and societies to sexually

transmitted infections often seem to be affected more by

moral judgments and social attitudes towards sexual

behaviour than the degree of death, disease, and distress

caused by the medical conditions. Cultural meanings and

prejudices become attached to infected people, who

become stigmatised as being wicked, dirty, and not

deserving of care, even though sexually transmitted

infections are often acquired through consensual,

pleasurable, and legal sexual intercourse.

The Lancet

Global control of sexually transmitted infections, 11/2006

Arguing that not telling a partner that you have a communicable and potentially dangerous disease is immoral. There's no way around it, not telling is wrong … and dangerous.

Herpes is not a cold; herpes doesn’t go away. Herpes is not a stigma; it’s a disease that may have serious health consequences. Giving birth during a herpes outbreak endangers the child. Herpes may complicate ongoing medical conditions, especially those involving the endocrine system.

The people whining about herpes hindering their fun are being dishonest about their reasons for not telling. They fail to remember how awful they felt when they discovered they had had contracted the disease.

They’re also being cruel. Their core argument is the same as an adult who wants to hit a child – I got hit when I was a kid and I’m fine, so it’s OK for me to do it to another child. Injuring someone else – and it is an injury – is OK because so many people have already been hurt.

Sex is fun, but it’s fun that doesn’t operate in a vacuum. No one has died from embarrassment or frustration, and, unlike herpes and other physical injuries, emotions are transient.

Honesty may diminish one’s chances of having sex, but if inconsequential pleasure is the goal, get an X-Box. The only activities that are without consequence are those that do not involve anyone else.

I can't tell you what exactly to say or when exactly to say it, but here are some thoughts to maybe help you get the tone right.

Suppose you have a bad cold. Your friend has just had a baby, and calls you and ask you whether you'd like to come over and see the new baby. Knowing that new babies have weak immune systems and having a cold really sucks when you're a baby, you say "I'd love to, but you should know that I have a really bad cold."

Suppose you have strep throat. Your lover has just come back from a long trip, and you go to meet them at the airport. You catch sight of each other, run towards each other, and embrace. But before your lover goes in for a kiss, you say "Before you kiss me, you should know that I have strep throat."

That's the tone you're going for. "Before things go any further, you should know that I have herpes." You're making them aware of something they should know, you're letting them make a decision based on that information. You can tell them about any medications you're taking, the frequency with which you have outbreaks and how well you can predict them, etc.

But DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT take the tone that some commenters here have that it's not big deal, a lot of people have it, they're statistically likely to get it anyway etc. If your lover has never had an STD, they will take that as a major red flag and lose trust in you. Simply respect their right to make decisions to protect themselves, be understanding of the fact that they might want to slow down in light of this information, and don't pressure them to go faster or further than they're prepared for. Be prepared to answer any questions that they have matter-of-factly and transparently.

So when to tell? As others have said, wait until it seems apparent that you will have sex with this person, but do it in a moment that's free of sexual tension. (Do you normally discuss birth control with a new partner? If so, use the same timing.) Do NOT wait until foreplay is happening. (Although if foreplay starts unexpectedly happening and you haven't told yet, tell before things go too far! Take a calm, quiet, private moment, you're sitting on the couch drinking coffee or something. Pick a situation where your lover can leave if they want, just in case they don't take it well at first, so they have room to leave and regroup. (It's possible that they might react poorly at first out of surprise, but warm to the idea as they think it over or google it - if you have it in you, be forgiving of this reaction.) Personally, I don't think it needs to be done in person, but others may disagree with me. If you normally have telephone or online conversations with your lover, I think it might be appropriate to mention it in one of these contexts, if you do so naturally as part of a long rambling conversation. Calling/emailing them specifically to tell them this is a bit less preferable (although, as always, preferable to not telling them at all if you can't work up the courage otherwise).

Basically you're going for a matter-of-fact mention in a non-sexualized context where your partner is free to take some time to absorb the information, but there's also an opportunity for you to address any questions they might have. Just don't try to coerce or guilt your partner into accepting the risk before they're ready to do so.

HSV-2 *can* be acquired from HSV-1 sores in the mouth via oral sex. (Many people do not realize this. Since 90% of the adult population in the U.S. has HSV-1 at one time or another, it's something to be aware of.)

HSV-1 can be acquired genitally from cold sores on the mouth. It stays the same virus, meaning that you literally get cold sores on your genitals. It does NOT morph into HSV-2 just because it hits your genital region. HSV-2 is a different - and more severe - type of virus when it's in the genital area. HSV-1, when transmitted from mouth to genitals, is a lot less severe, a lot less active, and a lot harder to transmit. As my doctor told me when I contracted HSV-1 on my genitals, "HSV-1 'likes' to be in the mouth. Since you have it genitally, and it doesn't 'want' to be there, it's much less likely to be active, and thus, much harder to transmit." And no, that doesn't mean I suffer from HSV-1 oral herpes, either. I actually don't "suffer" from herpes at all. Because I have HSV-1 in my genital area, I don't notice anything happening at all. I mean, I liken it to cold sores, because that's exactly what they are, except they never show up, because they don't "want" to be there.

And no one's ever told me before kissing me, "Hey, I get cold sores, let's not kiss."