I have dated alcoholics - both the recovering and nonrecovering varieties - as well as a bipolar schizophrenic and a man with herpes. None of them could be bothered to tell me about their conditions prior to sexual activity. This indicated a malady which I suffered from that took years for me to recognize: the Dating Assholes Disease.

Assholes are ultimately too narcissistic to care about your health - they are overcome by the need to ejaculate in close vicinity of your naked body. This is the most important thing.

I'm not entirely bitter - I didn't contract herpes from unprotected sex (he had a vasectomy and a limited sexual history from the previous five years, so I wasn't being entirely reckless). I took my chances, and had a lot of fun along with the pain of sleeping with men who were incapable of considerate behavior.

Eventually I made a pact with myself to date men who really cared about me. And within a few months, I met the kindest man who treats me with a respect so deep that I am almost embarrassed that I ever settled for less.

Tell any potential lover about communicable, incurable diseases. And it wouldn't hurt to mention the more serious of one's addictions and mental disorders as well. Sex could lead to love, after all.

Wow, look at all these people who caught herpes but claim it can't be spread except under the most rare and extraordinary circumstances. You must be the unluckiest people in the world for having caught it in that allegedly tiny window when your partner was contagious. Amazing.

You goddam well know you have an obligation to tell potential partners in advance. If any of you neglect to do so and spread this disease you should be held criminally and civilly liable. I'm sorry you are suffering with such a crappy, maligned illness and I understand your pain, but your discomfort doesn't change your obligation. Not at all.

AIDS, Herpes, Hep-C, etc...

It's very easy to answer questions about catching/giving life-long, incurable, contagious diseases to other people:

Do you wish that *YOU* would have been told about it... but the person that gave it to you?????

Duh.

A lot of people here are willing, able, and do tell. But it still would have been nice to have a more realistic and practical suggestion for HOW to tell that doesn't involve profanity and a spelling test.

Do I wish my boyfriend had told me? Yes, sure. The problem is: HE DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD IT. He had HSV1 cold sores on his mouth-- but DIDN'T KNOW. Later, when he went to his doctor, his doctor told him that the scars inside his lips indicated that he had probably had it for many many years-- probably since childhood-- and he probably got it from some adult kissing him.

So when he went down on me, he gave it to me while NOT KNOWING his status, and after having NOT given it to me in 4 years. As far as he knew, he had a teeny little pimple on his mouth. That pimple proved to be an outbreak.

All of you hysterical people who are jumping all over the 3 people who have been equivocating about telling are really casting aspersions on those of us willing and able to tell. Is it just that you love conflict or what? Not even the letter writer was asking IF she should tell. That was just the headline.

What I'd like to know, and what HASN'T been answered is: HOW do I tell? What is the best way to tell you that doesn't result in you rejecting me cruelly and painfully, and gossiping to our mutual friends? What is the best way to tell you so that I don't feel like a leper? What is a good way to say "every so often, I get a cold sore down there." Do I apologize and explain the circumstances? Do I tell them up front that one day, I want to have unprotected sex with you so that we can have children together?

What do I say WHEN I say it? And WHEN should I say it?

... I mean, just look how kind and empathetic the uninfected are to those who have it. There's a whole range of enlightened responses from "I hate you people" to "We should put you all on an island somewhere until you're dead."

I won't say whether I have it or not, as writers are clearly being categorized by that fact into two stark columns: the sexually pristine and morally superior uninfected and the not-to-be-trusted, lying-to-us-and-themselves, leprous carriers. I will say that it's interesting that for this particular malady, those who have the most potential knowledge to share (i.e., those who have had it for a large portion of their lives) are being automatically discounted as untrustworthy.

I came of age in the adventurous early 80's and am very glad to now be in a committed, long-term relationship with a woman I plan to marry. She not only saved me from having to navigate the treacherous shoals of sex in the age of rampant STDs, she also relieved me from the fear of accidentally dating hateful, paranoid people like many of those who have posted here.

No one can speak for you re: what to say and how to say it, when to tell.... It obviously hinges on a lot of things -- you and your potential partner's personalities/medical and sexual histories; your symptoms; what kind of relationship you're thinking of getting into.

I've only been on the receiving end of this info, but here's 2 my centimes.

I'm in favor of a fairly straightforward approach, at a quiet time in a private place. Sunday afternoon after brunch or a movie, on a secluded park bench or over tea in the backyard. 'Let's talk about sex.' You want to come across calm, matter-of-fact and informed; warm, caring and trustworthy. The aim is to be reassuring and open, not seductive. (I'm sorry, herpes is not seductive any way you spell it out.) Not that you need to be deathly serious. You just don't want to come across like some clown who thinks it's all just a big joke, either. If someone approached me in the way Cary advised, I'd excuse myself to the nearest bathroom and climb out the window.

What to tell? Your basic sexual history. What kind of relationship you're looking for. Ask your partner to reciprocate information. Then, what you have, how you got it (if you know), what your symptoms are and how often they occur, tests and treatments. What you do to manage the disease -- take Valtrex, use condoms, nutrition, etc. -- and to practice safer sex. Doctor's recommendations. Facts.

When to tell? Certainly before sex, and after it's established that you're both interested in one another, have perhaps snuggled, etc. I would *not* incorporate it into foreplay, or bring it up on the way to having sex. There's too much of a chance for it to go badly when emotions and hormones are heightened like that. Give your partner time to absorb the information if they need to, ask questions, etc. I get an uncomfortable sense that people are trying to time this so the potential partner won't say "no" because they're too turned on to back off. Maybe that would work in the short term, but it's manipulative and likely to lead to regrets, recriminations, etc.

I'm working on the presumption that there would be actual feelings involved. Take your time and use condoms. But, condom or not, you still have a moral obligation to tell before sex. I can't be the only one who's ever experienced having a condom come off during sex.

Two final things:

1) HSV-2 increases the risk of acquiring (and of transmitting) HIV, so protect yourselves with condoms (girls especially!);

2) HSV-2 *can* be acquired from HSV-1 sores in the mouth via oral sex. (Many people do not realize this. Since 90% of the adult population in the U.S. has HSV-1 at one time or another, it's something to be aware of.)

More info@:

http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_overview.cfm