I got it from my husband after we had been together 8 years. Evidently he had it all along and failed to mention it. The fact that he's now my ex is largely related to me losing trust in him.

I was 6 months' pregnant when I was diagnosed. Needless to say the hormones of pregnancy combined with a diagnosis of herpes (when I had been married and monogamous for 8+ years) was a huge emotional upheaval. It's my understanding that having an initial outbreak during pregnancy can be very dangerous to the fetus and if there is any sign of herpes at the time of delivery they will recommend C section. Fortunately my daughter was born healthy.

Maybe it was the hormones of pregnancy but I felt contaminated and betrayed. I was certain that I was stuck with my husband because no other man would ever want damaged goods. After six years of divorce I now know that is not true.

Telling a potential partner is difficult but NOT telling is not only not fair but it could ruin your relationship.

I don't believe it's necessary to solely date other people with herpes. I don't believe that it needs to be mentioned on the first date but absolutely must be mentioned before becoming intimate. I have only had one potential partner decide that he didn't want to date any longer.

The bottom line is that it's not the end of the world. You don't have to limit dating to only other people with herpes. You CAN find love and sex again. But you owe it to your partner to honest. It's just the right thing to do.

I'm not saying that asymptomatic shedding doesn't exist. However, if it's truly a huge risk, wouldn't doctors automatically recommend C sections to all pregnant women with herpes?

When I told my OB that I had it, figuring he'd want to do a c-section, he shrugged it off saying, "I haven't done a cultural for herpes in at least a decade. It''s not really an issue."

A few years ago, I had sex with someone I knew and liked. About a week later he revealed that he had herpes but hadn't informed me for fear that I would reject him.

I was pretty upset and freaked out about the whole thing. I went to my friend's house and she spent the afternoon commiserating and drinking tea with me.

This occurred around the time of the Tsunami. I remember that when I got back to my apartment building that evening, I noticed that the superintendent, who was from Sri Lanka, looked disoriented and distraught. It turned out he knew at least a dozen people, including a whole family, who were either dead or missing. I can assure you that quickly put the whole herpes thing in perspective.

I now have breast cancer, and I'm with the man I mentioned above. Funnily enough, he recently took the blood test and it turns out he doesn't have herpes. He was genuinely sorry for what happened and so I do feel I can trust him. He's human and so am I. Breast cancer also puts herpes in perspective. I'm fighting for my life with the support and companionship of this lovely person.

I find it distressing that there's so much moralism around herpes. Many letter writers seem to see herpes as something dirty, less than "pristine". Who can say that they are "pristine"? What does this mean anyway? We are all compromised in some way, and I think that if you don't realize that about yourself, you're probably not that great a person to be with anyway.

I know of people who contracted herpes at their first sexual interaction, and others who've had it since early adulthood. The judgements around this disease are mean and unjust. Most older people who had many sexual partners were just trying to find a good relationship, get through the night, find out who they were, find a way to be happy, deal with loneliness and desire. Herpes can happen to anyone.

I myself thought I was the picture of health until I was diagnosed with cancer. Life can be so strange.

FJ wrote:

I find it distressing that there's so much moralism around herpes. Many letter writers seem to see herpes as something dirty, less than "pristine". Who can say that they are "pristine"? What does this mean anyway? We are all compromised in some way, and I think that if you don't realize that about yourself, you're probably not that great a person to be with anyway.

Too true. I recently read a statistic that by the age of 50, 8 out of 10 sexually active adults will have had some form of genital HPV. Most people just never know that they have it because a) it never manifests itself in the form of warts or cervical cell changes, or b) their immune systems suppress it before they ever realize they have it. In terms of communicable diseases, it is almost as prevalent as the common cold.

I've been married almost 15 years, but if I were to be suddenly out in the dating world again, I know that I'd want to date someone who was kind, honest, and caring, and with whom I'd have a great sexual compatibility. I don't think that I could not date someone with those qualities, just because he had HSV.

LW, please know that not everybody out there is going to judge. Just be honest when the time is right.

Quoting: "I tell the people I think I'm going to be interested in for something more than just sex....If it's just a fuck, I make 'em slap a condom on and off we go."

That's great but what I want to know is what you would tell your daughter or son. I'm starting from the premise that you wouldn't think your daughter or son deserved this disease just because he or she was naive and didn't realize that the other person had put them in the "just fuck" category. Maybe those in your dating pool who are in your "just fuck" category deserve to be in the "just fucks" category and it's their responsibility to know they're "just fucks" because after all, look at them! haha! how could they not know they aren't worthy! But let's suppose it's your daughter or son and even though you've tried to educate him or her, he or she is just woefully naive and doesn't have good radar (yet) on when he or she is in someone's "just fucks" category, and naively waits by the phone all a-flutter when he or she should have known they were in the "just fucks" category. Now is it still OK to have a "just fucks" category and a "worthy of being told because this has potential for more than just sex" category?

My point is that there are people out there in these (haha) enlightened times who operate on a "just fucks" versus "for a potential relationship" category and they know it before they have sex. But they don't say, because then they wouldn't get laid. A lot of people seem to pretend that oh I just don't know if it's for a relationship till three or four months of sex, Oh I just can't tell. Maybe some people are like that in good faith, but I think a lot of people know from the start that a person is "just fucks" and don't care about the "just fucks" people.

Hence, I wait to have sex. And even my women friends jump my shit as if waiting to make sure I'm not in their "just fucks" category is oh, so manipulative. And yet, it's supposed to be oh, so much more enlightened and non-manipulative to operate with a "just fucks" category and a "real relationship potential" category.

I think the only way to have two categories honorably is to tell people in a nice way "you're in my 'just fucks' category." People actually used to do this. "I'm not a good bet for a relationship" I don't think a lot of people do this anymore BEFORE sex. I think a lot of people depend on the grey area where the partner hopes they're in the "relationship potential" category, to get sex, and oops three months later the truth comes out, you were just fucks. And I think people don't give a crap about the people in their just fucks category. I think they knew that all along and were play-acting that this just-fuck person could be a potential relationship. Somehow, waiting longer for sex is thought MORE manipulative than that, these days. I don't get it. Maybe I'm just overly suspicious and all these people are operating in good faith...I think they're using the grey area where one partner hopes it has relationship potential and one partner knows it doesn't, on purpose. And so I would tell my son or daughter to wait, because the people who have put them in their "just fucks" category don't care enough about them to protect them.

How is it supposed to work when a person didn't tell and then the relationship that started with early sex and not telling, turns into a relationship? Doesn't the unaware partner eventually see the Valtrex in the cabinet and find out the person knew all along? These letters show that that does happen, the person who was unaware is OK with that.

I know, I belong in a church sunday school at all times. And yet I'm a flaming liberal on most issues, just not hookup culture. Am I alone? Am I really being that judgmental a priss, when I think a ton of people cynically have a "just fucks" vs. "real relationship" category and know exactly what they're doing? When I still think that waiting for sex will weed out those who have me in their "just fucks, not worthy of telling" category?

I wish more people would talk about this aspect. Am I truly alone in thinking that waiting till you know if there's true caring or "just fucks" is a decent, good idea? It doesn't take THAT long! "Just fucks" will be gone by 4 months probably. People act like that's an eternity. I wish I knew if I were alone in this, as a liberal, still thinking 3-4 months is not that long to wait so you're not someone's "just fuck."