...that's not fair.

As it wasn't fair for the studly condom-chewing lover to wait until she wanted him, hormones chugging.

I think you should bring it up pronto. It's painful and frustrating but it's one of those realities in life. You had unprotected sex and were unlucky enough to get nabbed by a nasty virus.

I was startled to see the LW even wondering whether s/he was ENTITLED to just one time, etc., without telling.

I think you, LW, should skip getting laid entirely for a long while. Celibacy for an extended period won't hurt you. But until you develop a sense of responsibility, you could hurt a lot of others.

It's unfair, but life is unfair. People get in car accidents, people have all sorts of terrible things happen to them. What's happened to you means, imo, that NO, you may not participate in the hook-up culture where people no longer talk for hours, correspond for months, and draw out the delight of attraction.

I think it would be good for you, as a human being and long-term, if you said No to yourself. Not as a punishment (you took a risk, you're human)...but as the natural consequence of a natural event.

No self-loathing needed. But no self-indulgence either. You'll come out a finer person. Go very slowly and eventually try to find another person with Herpes, and then love them.

Before being sexual with someone there is a lot that should be said. Do you have any STD's? When was your last AIDS test? What form of birth control are you using? These topics can be discussed in a fun and non-threatening way as Cary suggests, but they do need to be covered. If you're not comfortable enough to discuss this stuff, then you shouldn't be taking your clothes off either.

It's my understanding that although condoms reduce the risk of herpes, it's still possible to transmit the virus.

And you cold sore sufferers, beware - it's Herpes 1 and can be transmited too - both as oral herpes and as genital herpes with oral-genital contact. Genital herpes can also be transmitted genitally and orally.

To the LW - you write about the real world, where you want uninhibited sex and don't have to worry about having a talk before sex....I'm not sure what real world you're referring to. Today's real world includes the world of a myriad of STDs. Herpes is a cakewalk next to HIV. Everyone should be having a talk before they sleep together. Every sexually active adult should be getting tested for STDs annually just to be safe.

That said, I don't think it's something you need to advertise before a first date. Fess up once you know there's mutual sexual attraction. It's something that can be managed, and if it's a deal breaker for your date, they weren't the right person for you anyway.

i don't think anyone who is seriously in need of assistance should write to cary with their problems. he'll just use you as a platform to promote himself.

as someone who has lived with herpes and been very sexually active for many years, i think the best policy is to take your relationships slow, and allow a prospective partner to get to know you a bit before telling them you have herpes. in my experience, about 70 percent of the time, they'll end up telling you that they have it, too.

also, i don't know why doctors are now advising people that herpes is contagious when it is asymptomatic. do you catch colds from people who have no symptoms? i didn't think so. this is like a cold in the genitals. if you feel fine, and you have no symptoms, not even a bit of a prodomal ache, and you can't see anything, you aren't going to transmit herpes. i can only imagine that the caution about transmitting it without symptoms is meant to protect people against those who aren't very conscious about their bodies.

of course, you do have to tell people before you have sex with them. that way, they can learn about it and make their own decision about whether the risk is acceptable to them.

while i have encountered potential sex partners who became nearly hysterical at the thought of possible exposure, that is pretty unusual. like i said, it is much more typical to find that your intended also has it.

i would go ahead and use condoms at all times regardless. there are other stds out there as well, you know, and condoms are very good protection against most of them, most of the time. if you aren't in an exclusive relationship, or you are in a relatively new relationship, i would advise you to always, without exception, use a condom. even if the other person doesn't have an std, their normal bacteria might upset yours, and you can wind up with a yeast infection or other non-std problem.

Thanx for addressing this topic, but it doesn't address this old-tyme idea that only penis + vagina = sex. Since "Wary" seems to be a lady, maybe she's one of the 30% or so that can cum from vaginal intercourse; maybe not. Either way, there's more sex shops now then ever before, and it would behoove her and her boy to walk around together in one. They can talk openly about they like sexually; they find a safe way to give and get mind-blowing orgasms; maybe it'll encourage the boy to get creative and use body parts other than his rig to please a lady. Gosh! Why should folks with STD's have all the fun?!

...is that all people who get sexually involved on an even remotely casual level are complete morons if they consider condom use to be an option rather than a necessity. Why is it even necessary to fret about whether you should tell someone why it is really really necessary to use a condom with you in particular? The real consideration should be more along the lines of, gee if one of us is wishy-washy about wanting to use protection, then that person should be assumed to be dangerous in general.

And here's a simple truth: unless A. you're a virgin or B. you've had absolutely no sexual contact (including with condoms, including oral, etc.) since 3-6 months ago when you subjected yourself to a full battery of tests and came up clean, then you have no idea what you may or may not have exposed yourself to. And call me a cynic, but I have a hard time imagining that anyone who could fit into one of the two categories I just defined is out looking for casual sex.

By definition, you know one thing about someone when you hook up with them casually: that they are comfortable with having casual sex. Nothing wrong with that, but if there's any kind of debate going on about condoms being used, then you know one MORE thing about them: that they don't feel the need to protect themselves with everyone. If you still feel attracted to them with that information in front of you, then go ahead and do it, but if you don't use a condom, you at that point actually do deserve anything you get.