To all the posters who have said that they have herpes but have not infected their sexual partners, how do you know that you did not infect anyone?

The reason I ask, is because several of the posters on this site have indicated that men cannot be effectively tested to determine if they have herpes.

These posters have stated that women who are infected can be tested because the herpes infection shows up in their blood, but not in men's blood.

If the above statements are true, then all of the women who have been posting claiming that husbands and ex-boyfriends who slept with them are not infected seem to be unaware that there is no way to test the veracity of this statement. That is, there is no way to test men to determine if men are infected or not.

So, I pose my question again, if you have herpes, how can you be certain you are not infecting people?

Also, is it possible to be be infected as a woman, but not have it show up in a blood test?

It is simply false to say there is no test for men to see if you have HSV 1 or 2. It is a blood test that anyone, male or female can have that will show if you have the ANTIBODIES that your body normaly creates to fight off HSV type 1 or 2. I had this test, I am a man. My wife, then girlfriend just discovered she had type 2 from a culture taken at the sores site. We then both wanted to know our status. I wish we had both been better educated about STD's before this. It is amazing how in the dark most americans are about this topic.

Oh boo hoo. Do I have to mention my STD?! Why oh why!

Assuming for a moment that the test only works on women:

When the test for herpes was administered to you, is it possible the health care worker didn't know the test would only ascertain a woman's levels?

Thanks to Randi, Catherine, Ben, etc. for speaking up with honesty. It's clear that this condition strikes an emotional chord in people. BUT a lot of people posting here are continuing to spread wrong information. I think if medicine, adequate protection and careful observation of your own condition takes place, it's really difficult to transmit it, as these many long-time sufferers have testified to. They might have got it themselves in the "unprotected" 70s and 80s, but I don't think one person here has admitted to giving it to a partner.

I've also had it 20-plus years and this has been my experience. I've never given it to anyone. I've been in long term relationships where we didn't use condoms or medicine. I'm not promiscuous. I've always protected partners, sometimes told them beforehand and sometimes not. But have never passed it on to anyone.

Research has shown some people shed without symptoms but many do not. To categorize it as highly contagious all of the time is just a falsehood. Mayo clinic or no Mayo clinic. I don't agree with the assumed asymptomatic shedding doctrine. Why not conduct research among those of us who have had it 20 plus years yet have never infected a partner??

My understanding is that 90% of the population carries type-1--the kind on the mouth. Most of the time, cold sores are not present on their lips—correct? Do they thus have to "tell" people before they kiss them even if no sore is there or hasn't been there for years? Do they say, "I have herpes." Absurd. No, you simply refrain from kissing if you have a cold sore. Easy. The same theory applies to genital herpes, I believe. As Randi said, her method of protection, combined with valtrex and condoms, is almost fail-safe. Otherwise, why are so many people here with 20-plus years of the virus telling us they've never given it to anyone?

I think one fact people are missing is that many, many people are "carriers" of it and have such mild symptoms, they don't even know it. So, if tests are not available or reliable, it just makes sense--use condoms!!

All the people spreading fear and ignorance here might themselves be infected and not even know it. It's important to keep in perspective: It's not life or death like the HIV virus.

Anonymous wrote:

"All the people spreading fear and ignorance here might themselves be infected and not even know it. It's important to keep in perspective: It's not life or death like the HIV virus."

Actually, Anon, that's a sore subject. As more than one writer has posted, herpes can indeed be a life or death thing, not to mention the complications of childbirth.

But what's even touchier than that is the fact that in all 120+ letters so far, one could easily replace the word "herpes" with the word "hepatitis" or even "HIV" and still get the same range of practices and mores. I find that frightening.

Above and beyond the fact that I personally do not find dishonesty and cowardice to be life-enhancing behaviors -- YMMV, of course -- the same spectrum of issues are at stake with all STDs. IMO, if a partner is not going to be honest about herpes, he/she is also not likely to be honest about any other STDs.

I have a personal acquaintance who is married but on the DL, is HIV+, HepC+ and HSV+, and by his own admission does not inform his male partners of his conditions, reasoning to himself that if he only performs certain acts without a condom there is no risk and they do not need to know. This same man has given other STDs to his long-suffering wife, including herpes, and reasons to himself that she must be fooling around and have gotten it on her own, even though he has tested positive for those STDs and was sexually active with his wife at the times she contracted them. This same man has fathered 2 children since becoming HIV+, but claims he has never had them tested and that his wife is negative. Yes, these are all things he has told me (mostly in a bid for sympathy because his wife is "such a bitch" and "doesn't understand" him) and he fully believes them himself. But for me, the only things that come through all his self-justification with any clarity are 1) he is not honest with any of his sexual partners; and 2) he is not honest with himself. (Yes, I really do know this guy.)

What is different about the behavior of this man than some of those who have posted here? He does not tell his partners of his STDs, including herpes, and he reasons that they are safe from infection because of whatever precautions he is taking ("I have it under control!") which, upon closer inspection, are extremely dubious. Same quack, different duck.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't fool yourself, Anonymous. There is no huge gap between herpes and any other STD. And the same means that spread one spread them all: not just the sexual behaviors, but the moral and emotional drivers of those behaviors as well.