Cary's advice was so lame (and so verbose! is he paid by the word?) as to seem uncaring to LW's question.

This has worked for me: right when things are getting hot and heavy, and you know when this is, say, "I have to tell you something that will probably ruin this moment: I have ..." And my partner freaks, can't believe me, is disappointed. We dress, and when we meet again, she'll have read up on it, and we'll be back to where we were, consummating that moment. In the long run it's your conscience, and this is how trust is developed.

My ob/gyn friends tell me that if my partner takes Valtrex too, that further reduces the risk of transmission.

Other thought: women can contract HSV2 from one partner, and pass it onto another, all the while being asymptomatic.

Pretty please? please?

Thank you, everyone, for your responses to this letter. You have reaffirmed my current method of proceeding in light of the fact that I have HSV-1 - which is never divulging that I have HSV-1 (genitally) to anyone.

I've not broken out in three years, I've not had an inkling of symptoms, I take suppressive medicine, I take care of myself. I'm fine. My partners are fine. I don't need the judgment, and I don't need the "parade of horribles." Some people here are extremely uninformed, and I certainly don't need any of that misinformation backfiring on me. One day, I will have to tell someone, I know I will. Until then, I will be safe as safe can be, and limit my sexual partners severely. I am sorry, but until you put the face of someone you love with this virus, you don't know what you're talking about at all.

Anonymous, I can't speak for everyone else, but I can put the face of someone I love with this virus. My best friend has herpes. She caught it from her husband. She knew going into a sexual relationship that he had it because he's a good guy and he told her upfront. She also knew when she married him that there was a good chance she'd end up catching it from him, and a couple years into the marriage, she did. I know she doesn't regret marrying him or sleeping with him, but I'm certain she would have had some big problems trusting him if he'd covered up the fact and then she'd caught it.

I don't think you deserve to be judged for having herpes. But you have a choice about how you can handle that fact, and you have chosen a cowardly way to deal with it. Every person has the right to know if their partner is infected. I'm not naive enough to think that everyone will be honest about it, but I'm idealistic enough to think it's the right thing to do.

I am sad that so many people find Cary's advice to talk openly about sex to be bad. I always talk about sex with partners before I have it with them. How else will you know what they like and what they don't like? How else can you establish boundaries and lines of communication?

It is silly to have expectations about what someone else wants in bed. My life has been the richer for finding out about other people's sexual desires/hangups/STD's before having sex.

If you're willing to do it with someone then you ought to be willing to talk about it as well. I don't think you need to have a conversation about sex early in a relationship, that depends on your timing. If you are the type to have sex on a first date then it should be early, but if you aren't going to have sex for a few months then I say wait until you are sure you want to have sex before you talk about it.

For the people who say herpes is a deal-breaker, I feel sorry for you. Certainly, I would have sex with someone who has herpes. Given the numbers it is highly likely that I have but they didn't know. Of course, I am also pretty cautious when having unprotected sex. I have never used finger cots but I have definitely used dental dams and condoms with almost all of my partners.

I think we need to talk about sex a little bit more. It's an important topic.

@Do the right thing;

We all want to do the right thing, but unfortunately there is so much misinformation out there it's hard to know what to do. One thing we can't do is "get tested." There is no test for herpes unless you already have it. Another medical connundrum.

I'm so glad I've never encountered such an uptight, misinformed person as the above commentor in my sexual history. How sad that there are people like that out there in the world.

To tell, or not tell. Personally, I do both. I've had herpes for 24 years, through two marriages, several boyfriends and many affairs. To my knowledge, I've never given it to anyone. I don't agree with the people who say that everyone has it. I, personally, have never encountered a sexual partner who had herpes (or at least who told me about it). So I don't think it's as common as we think. I follow some rules of sexual conduct and I think most people who have it do the same. BTW I've had somewhere around 50 partners.

Rule 1: I never, never, never have sex when I have an outbreak. (And this is something I've never understood, if the medical community says the virus sheds asymptomatically then why do they tell us to use a condom and it will protect us from herpes?) That's just ridiculous. I cheer the woman who wrote about condoms just covering the shaft. Most women don't have sores inside their vaginas.

Rule 2: I can feel an outbreak coming before I have any visible symptoms. I don't have sex then either.

Rule 3: I wait four days AFTER all visible evidence and that weird buzzy feeling (herpes sufferers know what I'm talking about) disappears before I have sex.

Rule 4: I take Valtrex when I can but often I can't afford it. Note to pharmaceuticals; make Valtrex affordable. That said, Valtrex isn't a failsafe. I've had outbreaks while taking it.

And finally to tell or not:

I tell the people I think I'm going to be interested in for something more than just sex. And I do it before I have sex with them. About the same time as the other letter writers. After a few dates, when I'm secretly waiting for him to call and when he does, I'm all aflutter. You know, those guys. I've only had one guy refuse to continue with me. ALL the rest went on with me to escapades of sexual bliss.

If it's just a fuck, I make 'em slap a condom on and off we go. I don't (didn't) tell them anything. Many of those "fucks" I still see to this day and believe me if they contracted herpes I would know about it.

These are my personal rules, my life, my vagina so please don't attack me with all your self-righteous preaching about how I should tell possible potential partners as soon as we bump into each other with our shopping carts. Most of the respondents here sound like they don't have herpes and don't know anyone who does (thereby debunking the myth that EVERYONE has herpes). Please listen to the real evidence here, the respondents who are living normal, happy sexual lives with this very real, incurable disease. I would not wish this disease on anyone and for that reason I carefully protect everyone I have sexual contact with (and with the method that hasn't let me down for 20+ years). Though I may not protect them YOUR way, I do, in all sincerity, protect them the best way I know how. Let's remember the issue here is "to tell or not to tell."