1) it can't be transmitted when you're not having an outbreak 2) outbreaks are once a year or less 3) apparently an outbreak really hurts and you feel all flu-like 4) it is rampant.

1) I honestly don't know about this one. Medical opinion is divided. I do not have sex if I feel the least bit "off". I evaluate how I feel literally every day. So far, so good--and it's been almost 20 years.

2) Outbreaks can happen a lot more often than once a year--or less than once a year. Depends on what the person with the virus is eating, whether they're taking anything to suppress the virus and how effective it is (Valtrex works better than lysine, IME), and how much stress they're under. Plus the state of their immune system. Plus... you get the idea.

3) An outbreak does not necessarily hurt at all. They can range from being really bad and painful to something that feels like a fleabite and not being able to find a lesion.

4) Roughly 20% of the population, according to what I've read.

I think herpes is a lot easier to live with if you don't have casual sex. (Yes, kids, you can get it even if you don't have casual sex.) You really ought to tell --that you feel fine is all very well but not a perfect guarantee--and it will turn some people off. If you wait until you know if you're willing to risk rejection to be with someone, then at least it's worth the stress of having that conversation.

while i may not be wild about Cary's advice, he lost me with the spelling thing, I am glad for LW's letter and to hear people discuss this.

I had a friend who contracted herpes after a one-night stand with a guy, and they used a condom. She was massively despressed and practically suicidal for months afterwards. Unfortunately, our friendship ended (for other reasons, not the herpes) so I have no idea how she dealt with it after the fact.

I fear herpes because I fear going through that emotional hell I witnessed. Not to mention the outbreaks itself & the pain involved rather creeps me out. While I appreciate what people have said about how Valtrex has helped greatly, I am also freaked out by the probability having to take a drug every day if I had herpes- the $$ cost as well as the unexpected long term effects.

After ending a LTR and anticipating dating again, I know I will have to deal with this issue and my reaction to a potential mate having the disease. Thanks to all posters for their info.

...are strolling around the U.S. alone with some strain of incurable sexually-transmitted virus in their system (HIV, HPV, Herpes, or Hepatitis). Some people never have symptoms and therefore never have a clue they're a carrier. Certain strains can lie dormant for years before they give someone a problem.

For those simple reasons, you MUST be up front with people about sexual matters. Not just whether or not you're a carrier, but whether you're having sex with others (or intend to) and whether you have unprotected sex. To withhold this information is manipulative and controlling.

Your partners deserve to be able to make informed decisions. To rationalize that "I'm asymptomatic so it's probably okay" is incredibly selfish. You can never know with 100% certainty when you're contagious, or what your partner's level of health might be.

The old adage is trite but true - if you can't bring yourself to have the sex talk with someone, you're probably not ready to have sex with that person. We take certain risks every time we tumble into bed with anyone, but why on earth would you not do everything you can to minimize those risks when the stakes can be so high?

My impression of the LW's dilemma is that they're not so much concerned with the "if" in terms of disclosure, but the "when". Do you need to put it in the headline of your personal ad? No, but the sooner the better. It's not fair to allow someone to become emotionally invested before you inform them. If they choose to run for the hills, that should give you some idea of what kind of person they are - but it is still their choice, not yours. Give people some credit - not everyone will run, and shouldn't you be looking for someone who won't in the first place?

Not because of the herpes, nor the requisite sex talk.

Herpes seems manageable. Unlike brain rot.

You do not have to be having an outbreak in order to spread herpes. If you have any question about this, please call the national herpes hotline at (800) 232-4636. I have a friend who believed that she could only get it if her boyfriend was having an outbreak, and she caught it when he was asymptomatic. Please don't believe this "you can't get it unless you're having an outbreak" thing, that's a myth - it can be spread when no symptoms are present. Here's the link to the ASHA herpes resource center for more information:

http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_learn.cfm

Seriously. Protect yourselves. Protect your partners.

I knew I'd get blasted for being honest. I just wanted to relate that I have been in all three camps, tell-all, tell-nothing, and almost-tell. But to everyone attacking me, I beg to differ.. I am not evil...but quite the opposite.

I've spent hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars on medicine to make positively certain my partners were never infected. That's the only reason I take Valtrex--to protect partners. I had a long term marriage (17 years) and my husband was never infected. And I did tell him about it before we had sex the first time. He was OK with it. We had three children. The first BF after hubby, well no, I did not tell him the whole story...Yes, that was less than honest. Yes it was bad. But I was also diligent about protecting him from it by using Valtrex and we used condoms. And he never got it.

I can hardly be called uncaring or cavalier if I go to these extraordinary lengths (without insurance Valtrex can cost $250/month) to make sure a partner is safe and protected. An "asshole" would just not care and have sex without medicine or during an outbreak...I would never EVER do either.

About my current relationship--I think you misunderstood me. My current BF--the former pre-med student, said it didn't matter to him whether I had it or not because it was "impossible" to transmit unless there was an active infection. He knows I take Valtrex as a precaution. Ergo, it's a non-issue between us.

Bottom line, I've have gone out of my way and gone to considerable expense to make CERTAIN my partners never got it (there have only been three total after I contracted it, and they are all three still in my life, so I am up to speed on all of their health histories). I have never ever been cavalier about this--but neither am I going to buy into the needless paranoia about it. Which only stigmatizes it further. I see alot of TOTAL misinformation, just in this comments section. So lighten up already--you attackers are way out of line.