The idea that one would even consider not telling a partner about having herpes is very disturbing. I agree that the person doesn't need to know until the time they are close to having sex, but no amount of care or precaution is 100% guaranteed to prevent the spread of herpes. Besides that, herpes is with you for a LIFETIME. There is no cure. And no excuse to not let someone know what they're taking chances with. To 'Anonymous' a few letters before mine, you have no business taking this into your hands saying your partners don't need to know because you're taking the necessary steps to prevent the spread. Even the best medication says that your CHANCES of spreading herpes are diminished. Not eliminated. You can't play roulette with someone else's future.

To the LW - tell your partner when the time for sex comes. Considering that 1 out of 5 adults in America has herpes, your partner has relatively decent odds of having it as well (of course, as you point out, 9 out of 10 of those people who are infected, have absolutely no idea - most people get herpes from others who are clueless and not in the middle of any outbreak).

Good luck LW. It's clear you have a conscience and I doubt even if Cary had given you permission to keep this to yourself, you wouldn't have.

I wonder what right-wingers do.

1) Tell. After all, they're the proper ones with personal responsibility.

2) Don't tell. After all, if their partner is "whoring around" (not saving it for marriage) they deserve what they get.

3) Read liberal blogs and shake their heads that it's even a QUESTION among some liberals.

4) Both 2 and 3.

As I stated before, you cannot know that you've never passed your disease along to someone else unless you keep in regular, informed contact about their sexual health. So you CANNOT say that you have never given anyone herpes. Tough to live with? Maybe, but that's simply the way things are.

So what happens on that one occasion that you do goof up. You miss a dose of Valtrex. Miss symptoms. And you sleep with someone without having told them you have herpes, and give them the disease. Do you just say "oops"? You've altered someone else's life forever, and you shrug it off? That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. You have an obligation to tell every one of your sexual partners about your condition BEFORE you expose them to that risk, no matter how small that risk of exposure is. While the disease may be a mere nuisance for you, it can impact others in a far, far more serious fashion.

So here's a scenario - you don't tell someone you have herpes, and you have unprotected sex, and he contracts it from you, but he has no symptoms, and he passes it on to another woman, and maybe she has symptoms but they are are in utero so she doesn't know it. She gets pregnant, has her baby by natural childbirth and the baby goes blind.

You are happy with your potential role in that situation? It could happen. It HAS happened. That's why they don't let women with herpes give birth naturally. And you want to run around with your blase attitude and act like it's no big deal??

The answer she wanted was: YES

That would have made a fine column.

Acne is incurable.

The common cold is incurable.

Chicken pox is in your system forever.

The flu never goes away.

What's the big deal about herpes, then? You don't go running around divulging to everyone you're interested in getting romantically involved with about your last sniffle. Having had both, I would say the common cold and the flu are way worse than herpes.

It's the stigma, people. It's the stigma that makes this disease SO ABHORRENT. And that's it. I would rather date someone with herpes than someone who is chronically depressed. Both are treatable, but one can have a much more severe impact on your relationship than the other.

You are blowing things WAY out of proportion. Talk about a "parade of horribles." People with herpes - well, I speak for myself - are much more responsible than to forget a dose, or to have unprotected sex. I know that protecting the other person is important to me. I don't forget.

Scenario: You (are younger, attractive) and I decide to have a sexual relationship. You decline to tell me you have herpes. Sure, I wear protection, etc. Later, I find out you have herpes. You have just given me the license to beat the dogshit out of you for not being honest with me and exposing me to YOUR risk and problems. Asshole.

Just wondering something. If it can't be spread other than during an outbreak, why is it so rampant? Are THAT many people feeling "up" to it during an outbreak? Do these numbers really add up? 1) it can't be transmitted when you're not having an outbreak 2) outbreaks are once a year or less 3) apparently an outbreak really hurts and you feel all flu-like 4) it is rampant.

I have never made a personal attack on a person in any comments forum, but Catherine, you are an evil, evil person.

You lied (by omission) to two boyfriends (saying you "might" have herpes when you *know* you have it is a lie, period). How is that okay, ever? If herpes really is so hard to transmit, then you need to learn how to communicate that to your partners, without being deceitful.

Many posters have shared their experiences of being honest about their herpes status, and they claim that most people are okay with it. So if your partners act like you have the plague when you tell them, maybe it's because the relationships weren't very strong to begin with. Or maybe the way you told them confirmed something they already suspected about you (that you have a serious chip on your shoulder about you herpes status, and are not to be trusted when it comes to STDs)

In the meantime I am glad that you are not my type (by age or gender), so I am extremely unlikely to ever date you. Your deplorable behaviour, and your skewed sense of responsibility, disgusts me.