I dont think i have ever read anything this good from Cary. You sir, have talent.

-UKnoWhoIAm

"Is it fair of me to ask someone to accept getting this (assuming it turns out they do not have it without realizing it) by becoming involved with me?"

Um.... huh? It is not a given that your sexual partner will get herpes if you have it. A condom is an effective means of protection. I went out with a very compelling man for two years who had herpes and these many years later I remain herpes-free.

His method for telling me was quite simple. He waited until we were in bed, already kissing, already touching. He said, Listen, before we go any further there's something I have to tell you. After I received the news, my response was, Ok, what does that mean exactly? He certainly knew I wanted to fuck him. So what herpes meant was we always used condoms and he turned down blow jobs.

He was quite responsible about always using a condom and actually had a way of making the whole putting-on-the-condom part of sex quite sexy, tearing the condom wrapper with his teeth and a growl, admiring his hard-on while he rolled on the condom. Sure, it's a pause, but the pause of anticipation can be kind of delicious.

I know I always appreciated him being up front about his herpes from the start. Perhaps some would disagree about his timing, but by that point I already found him extremely attractive as a person (frankly, it was his brain that I found most appealing) so the herpes did not matter to me. Enough of my friends have it that I wouldn't think badly of a person for having it. My guess is most of America is similar.

Yes, LW, you do need to tell all your partners, but I would suggest telling them when the attraction between you is clearly evident.

Cary, I read this letter twice and maybe I keep missing it, but DID the writer mention gender? If not, best NOT to assume it's some (loose, I guess?) female about to infect a score of (unsuspecting innocent, presumably?) men.

Keep the advice brief, that's my advice. And is it really necessary to be vulgur about it? It's a real turnoff.

I can't believe Cary Tennis actually draws a paycheck for writing this drivel.

longer Cary:

Hey, I have a book to pad, so I'm going to try and be funny, try and be glib, say the f-word, throw in some snark (Joan Walsh demands it in every column, evidently), and eventually say, "Yes, tell your partner."

Anyone who subscribes to Salon is...well, the kind of fucktard who needs to ask a complete stranger if they need to tell a prospective sex partner they have a highly-contagious STD.

The rest of us are having fun for free.

I don't think Cary really answered the question here. The letter writer did not ask if s/he should ever tell their sexual partners that they had herpes, the LW asked whether it was appropriate to include this information upfront in a personal ad, or if it was okay to wait until getting to know the person better. For this question, I would say no, one is not obligated to include the information in a personal ad, and while it goes without saying that the LW must inform all sexual partners, I don't think it's necessary to disclose his/her condition until s/he decides that they've found a person with whom they would actually like to have sex. Placing the information in a personal ad is bold, and might work for some people, but it also could cause people to define the LW as merely a "person with herpes", possibly overlooking their other desirable qualities due to the shadow cast by the word STD. It's perfectly fine to get to know a person first and then inform them in an appropriate context (e.g., after things have warmed up a bit between the two, saying something like "Before we go any further, I need to tell you something..."). This way the LW has already established his/herself as attractive to a partner without letting the virus define them. As the LW admitted, the conversation is absolutely necessary...but no, it doesn't need to be the first thing they tell someone. I don't believe this is dishonest. It's awkward enough to meet a person to begin with, and people with herpes are certainly not "lepers". Wait until you find someone who you are attracted to and who is attracted to you back. If they are worth your while, they will take the conversation in stride.

The only possible danger I see is the LW (or anyone with an STD, for that matter) could keep putting off and putting off the conversation until things got to a dangerous place. That, however, is a moral question and not a practical one. As long as the LW is prepared to have the conversation, it's not terribly important _when_ it happens, as long as it occurs before sex (or any similarly perilous point).

I had a serious longterm boyfriend who didn't know he had type 1 on his mouth. And now I have type 1 in my genital area. And those outbreaks are far less frequent and super rare and pretty minor compared to type 2, but the information "out there" on type 1 in the genital region is pretty scarce.

So what then? Tell, sure. But how? Are full apologetic explanations of non-whore-iness necessary? What experiences have other people had with this? What about the day that I want to have children? At some point, there will have to be unprotected sex with a trusted intimate partner, right?

just an fyi, since so many people who have herpes have no symptoms (statistically, it's quite high), you really don't know whether or not you caught herpes from your ex boyfriend. unless you have an active outbreak there is no reliable test for it... ergo, you may have it and not know it and can, like the rest of us, give it to others.

i'm not meaning to be insipid, but herpes is an insipid virus.

unless you've had an outbreak and had it tested (or are a virgin who's never even been naked with anyone of the opposite sex) there's really no way of knowing whether you have herpes or not.