Letters to the Editor
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Cary gets it right, and without blather
Unfortunately, brevity may be the soul of wit but it's hard to fill a book with succinct answers.
Still, maybe it's better to be right than long-winded and published.
Dear LW,
Stop blaming other people for your own laziness. Call the kids, ask them for some ideas, then send something from the list. You can't change your brother, but you can be responsible for your own behavior.
Anyway, you sound like a real dickhead.
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Ditto what Cary said.
Also - ask your brother and sister-in-law what sizes the kids wear if you want to buy clothes. And your 7-year old nephew is old enough to have a phone conversation. Ask him what he wants. Ask him what his brother wants. My 4-year old nephew was able to tell me what he wants and what my 2-year old niece wants so surely the 7-year old can manage it. Then send gifts they want. Send them wrapped. Kids love to open presents.
And no, it's not appropriate to specify how the money is spent if you choose to send cash or a gift certificate instead. If you want to specify how it's spent, you send a gift.
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the opportunities of gift-giving
The LW certainly could ask the kids what they want, but I'd be surpised if their answer wasn't in the 'video games' realm. Why not take the opportunity to give them a gift that they might not have thought of, but might really enjoy? What do you wish that you had been exposed to as a child? Like a boxed set of the Chronicles of Narnia, a road-race set, an easy bake oven, or a badminton kit? Getting an interesting and unexpected gift is so much better than just getting what you asked for. Plus, you get to be the 'cool uncle who lives far away but sends cool stuff' rather than the disapproving shrew whose gifts aren't appreciated anyway.
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Come on, man!
Cary-
What a non-response.
Sure, it's an appropriately boring answer to a petty problem, but isn't your in-box teeming with letters from people with much more interesting problems that deserve complex, challenging, difficult answers? or at least juicy problems and funny letter-writers?
You may have done well by the letter writer here, but you certainly haven't by your readers.
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A difference
Well, I'd say there's a difference between expecting that money you send to your nephew's parents be spent on your nephews and expecting that your nephews go out and buy something "worthwhile." The former is totally within the realm of reaon, the latter is not.
If you're concerned about your brother blowing the kids' xmas money on something for him, then don't send money until the kids are old enough to send it directly to them. Until then, a gift certificate or better yet, an actualy present like Cary said is definitely best.
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Not such a bad question
This specific dilemma is pretty easy to answer. But I think it brings up an important rule - if you really want the kids to get the money (especially if it's a large amount, which it sounds like this was) don't trust the parents. Even if you think you should be able to. I sent sizeable amounts to my godson from the time he was a baby (money I can't afford to replace now) and found out after several years that his parents had spent every penny on bills. I know they needed the money - but still! I gave them money I couldn't really afford so that someday, my godson would have a small, but nice to have, little nestegg. Now, there's nothing and I'm sure they won't even tell him about it. They aren't even embarrassed about it - they assumed it was their money to use.
Savings bonds. In the child's name. Maybe even in your safe-deposit box (send the kids a xerox.) And a couple of age-appropriate books. Those are the gifts that they will really need when their money-mismanaging parents are done raising them.
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Cary's response made me laugh
He gave the LW exactly what she asked for. If you don't want an honest evaluation of your situation, if you don't want psychology or philosophy, pick another advice columnist. When letter writers tell Cary things like, "I don't have time to explain why I'm right but I just am" -- or, "Don't tell me it's my fault because it's not" -- they are missing out on the best part of this column, when Cary sees through the blather and tells the truth. He might not get it exactly right, but he will try to work out what you are (and aren't) saying, how you might be feeling, and what you most need to hear.
When you ask him not to do that, you're asking for short, pragmatic, impersonal, (boring) advice. And you should ask someone else for that.
Anyway, you'll get plenty of tut tuting from the forum.
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Bwah!
Brilliant answer, Cary.
P.S. The LW sounds like a controlling jerk.
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Gifts
In short, Cary is right. But for the sake of my love affair with my own written word, I'll elaborate. Yes, you have the ability to place restrictions on the funds, but you must ask: is that the best way to achieve what you want? From what I gather, your goal is that your nephews receive gifts with at least some educational content.
Placing restrictions on the cash gift is unlikely to achieve this goal. This conclusion may be inferred by your experience last year. When you handed the money to your brother last year, ostensibly for the children's benefit, he disposed of the income in a less than admirable manner. Granted, you didn't verbally place any restrictions on the money, but they were implied, and it seems foolhardy to believe that a verbal re-affirmation will alter your brother's habits. If anything, such restrictions will aggravate your brother (I can just see him hanging up the phone and inwardly complaining about his "know it all sister trying to tell him how to raise HIS family"). I suspect you have tried to reason with your brother before, and by your letter it appears you have met with little success, don't think this case would be any different.
Also, he apparently has some character traits that would undermine your goals in this instance. He is selfish. A man who accrues substantial consumer debt to finance personal toys while he has a family to support can't be described as anything other than self-centered. Such a person is unlikely to depart with an unexpected financial boon in a way you would approve of. Also, it appears he is drawn to flashy items (video games), which is at odds with your desire that he spend the cash on educational items for the children.
You have tried to sidestep these issues by searching for a gift certificate, which seems to be a reasonable compromise; however, there are potential issues with this course of action as well. The first is that this gift certificate may never be used. Also, it is very possible that the certificate may get lost in the holiday shuffle. Finally, there are still issues in that the gifts may not align with their educational intent.
Long story short: get the gifts yourself. They may not optimize recreational and educational benefit the way you would like, but at least you are assured that they have received a gift you would approve of. I suggest that you give the children a call and ask them what sort of gifts they are interested in, or what shows they enjoy watching on T.V. At 3 and 7, every new gift is exciting, at least for a time, so it's pretty hard to miss the target.