Whenever I read a letter like this, my skepticism kicks in and I wonder if the LW is really writing about money at all. It should be obvious that the guy is doing all he can, that they've got 3 kids that are the main thing, that after 16 years there'd be give and take between the two. Right? So I just have to wonder if there's a much bigger (or just more uncomfortable) issue at play here, and it's just easier to frame the problem as a financial one than face the underlying one. Maybe she wants to be married, he's the one who doesn't, and now she feels all the responsibilities but none of the advantages of being a wife? Maybe there's some fundamental trust or respect issue going on, and she doesn't trust that he's really trying his best to get out there and succeed? Maybe the whole situation is throwing her into a "parental" role with him that's ruining their sex life? Or a deep-down feeling of "being the man" is pushing buttons of insecurity about her own womanliness? I truly think we are all skimming the surface here.

What is the MATTER with this woman ?

AS one of her sisters, I am ASHAMED of her dull-witted point of view, with all of its whining and cowardly unkindness, not to mention her stingy, mean-spirited attitude.

For MILLIONS of years, the male of the species has taken on the responsibility of earning the "monetary" part of the "make a living" challenge and we females were given to the softer (though no less easy) side of child rearing and making the home.

Yet when suddenly the tables are turned - as in her instance - she can't keep from showing the true nature of her character: selfishness beyond the pale.

This spoiled, niggardly, dull-witted brat shows NO redeeming values as a human being. C'mon sister, suck it up - like MEN have had to do for AGES, and provide for your family, and SHUT the FRICK up already.

Cary, I am almost as angry with YOU. How can you sugar up your response to her to the degree that you did without encouraging this death-dealing attitude in other women ?

This is disgusting. Some women try to have it BOTH WAYS - and this sister is one of them. May YOU, sister, be treated in this same way one day so YOU can feel how awful it is to partnered with someone like you.

The LW's husband should do the following:

1) Quit his current job and proudly announce him to be a stay at home dad who is taking part on the opt out revolution.

2) After a couple of months, start nagging all day about how his housework is underapreciate and how much he fells like living in a luxury concentration camp.

3) Fast foward one year, he dumps her, takes full custody of the kids, asks for child support and, if possible, takes half their assets and some alimony.

4) Drags his feet around visitation rights and alienate the kids from her.

Then she really will feel like the man in this relationship...

Too fucking funny... and too true!

Spot on.

How is he making up for the change in contributions to the family?

IE: is the contributing to the family in other ways to make up for the change in income, IE: cooking more dinners, cleaning the house, etc. to balance it out?

If he's doing more home maintenance to make up for the change, that's fair.

IF he's watching TV or restoring his motorcycle, that's not fair.

It all hinges on if he's trying.

If he's trying you just have to be patient, supportive and helpful.

If he's gotten comfortable being taken care of maybe he needs to feel the pain associated with not trying: no money. A little suffering may work wonders in making him kick it into gear.

The LW's husband should do the following:

1) Quit his current job and proudly announce him to be a stay at home dad who is taking part on the opt out revolution.

2) After a couple of months, start nagging all day about how his housework is underapreciate and how much he fells like living in a luxury concentration camp.

3) Fast foward one year, he dumps her, takes full custody of the kids, asks for child support and, if possible, takes half their assets and some alimony.

4) Drags his feet around visitation rights and alienate the kids from her.

Then she really will feel like the man in this relationship...

One issue Cary didn't address is the fact that the husband has accumulated debt while he has been underemployed. Was that necessary? It seems that this couple is living beyond their means if they thought paying down bills was a good use of severance pay, instead of using it for its intended purpose of keeping them afloat until the husband is on his feet.

I was in a his money/my money marriage. When my husband was unemployed, I didn't mind paying our bills UNTIL he decided that he needed an expensive new stereo while he was unemployed. Then I felt taken advantage of. I told him if he could afford a stereo, then he could afford the rent. His insincere response was an offer to sell a valuable and unique guitar of his, something he knew I would never want him to do. It's much more clear to me now than it was then that he was a manipulator and he didn't think of us as a team.

I think this couple and any couple that lives pay check to pay check and allows themselves to be consumed by money concerns needs to re-evaluate their priorities. Staying together as a family is much more important to the individuals and the whole than the accumulation of a lot of material stuff.

I am proud of my brother. He got his wife to agree that he be the house dad, stay at home and raise the twins while she slaves away at her thankless but lucrative nursing job.

He is SOOO looking forward to it. The twins are both so adorable.

Way to go bro!

We'll see how long this 'so called' gender equality thing lasts when the gender roles are actually reversed ... hee hee

How soon before he is labeled the 'shiftless deadbeat'