This is the funniest response Cary's done in a while.

And interestingly enough, I live in a New England city full of single women who are always looking for that elusive single man.

LW, try online dating.

- Looking for a bat to take to bed with me

the question was should he make a play for these women? i say no, you'll feel like sludge later. the dry spell part is right though. wait out the storm. go to europe on holiday and get a european girlfriend that you can have a long-distance relationship with. who knows where that could lead?

good luck to you!

I think what's going on here is that the women in question, for whatever reason, are trying to forestall any advances from the LW by claiming to be involved. I mean, that's the oldest trick in the book: you find yourself in some social situation with some guy who you sense might ask you out, you have NO interest, yet you don't have a boyfriend. So you make one up. "We're serious, but on a break." "He's in Europe on business for the next six months." "I'm just coming out of a 15 year relationship and I need some time". Or whatever. I think LW needs to get a clue.

Cary, please don't do the sports analogies. Salon was my one safe haven away from those. Also what's with the "the ethical stuff is secondary"? Have you become a Republican? I wondered if LW is coming across as desperate and needy when he meets women. I didn't get a sense of what LW wanted (a casual relationship? something more committed?) but getting involved with someone who's already involved. Yipes. It's a recipe for heartbreak and complications.

Cary suddenly decides ethics don't matter. And he's the advice columnist. Keep that in mind in case you thought you'd write him for advice that involves...you know, ethics.

LW, you're pathetic, and most likely fugly, too. Get out of New England, or stop trying to score with other people in your little social group. Those women don't wanna sleep with you. Take the hint.

P.S.--Have you thought that maybe some of the local women might like a smart, if homely, guy like you to marry and settle down with?

I've been in the same position as the LW, and I can testify that online dating is a godsend for us non-Casanovas. The amazing thing about meeting people on an online personals site is...they have a good chance of being single! And they're looking for someone to date! It eliminates a lot of the confusion of wondering if someone's already attached, if they think of you as just a friend, etc.

Even if you don't meet the right person online, going out on some dates will build up your confidence. And you can start talking about your dates with your friends, which will remind them: "Hey, we've got a date-worthy single guy in our midst! Maybe he'd be perfect for [insert single friend-of-a-friend here]." Then they can subtly set you up. Maybe. It's worth a shot, anyway.

What up with people criticizing Carey's response? I thought it was insightful. It kind of hit close to home for me regarding attitudes I sometimes had back in my dating days. Ouch. The bottom line is, it's very painful to face rejection and admit it is happening to you.

LW, definitely try online dating. Or speed dating.

Somebody upthread suggested that it would be an ethical disaster to hit on anyone telling you they're involved, warning "you'll feel like sludge later." But the karmic payoff would be worse than just the guilt, if any -- and it does not require a belief in karma to see this. While one could rationalize that just letting someone who happens to be involved right now that they're interested -- just in case, y'know, they were to suddenly become uninvolved? -- LW should please to recall that anyone who will ditch someone else to take up with you, will also ditch you to take up with someone else.

When I was single, many many years ago, my rule was simple:

If they are not living together, engaged, or married, everyone was fair game. One never knows when you will meet the great love of your life.

So go for it. The worse that will happen is that you will be rejected. The best is that can happen is that you will meet your soulmate.

SJ

...you won't have to worry about any of the other garbage. She'll just need to be with you, and that will be that.

DO NOT go about randomly asking out women who are avowedly attached, unless you are armed with young-Warren-Beatty-type sangfroid and you can comfortably espouse his MO at the time when propositioning women: "You get slapped a lot, but you get fucked a lot too." (Source: Peter Biskind's Easy Riders, Raging Bulls.)

But something tells me you're the kind of guy who would actually mind the slapping part. I doubt young Warren would have felt the need to ask an advice columnist if it was "okay" to do what he was doing; he'd just have done it, slapping be damned, because that was who he was. You are a different breed, and there's not a thing wrong with that. (I shudder to think of a world made up of nothing but young Warrens and their willing targets.)

Here's an idea. OKCupid.com. It's a free (!) matchmaking site for people who are looking for a meeting of the minds, not just a slick-and-cool list of attributes. I met my boyfriend there. And it's a fun site just to hang around on and answer the quizzes (and make some new ones up). Good luck!

This letter was a slow pitch over the middle of the plate, but CT still hit it a good long distance. "I'm married" can mean "I'm attracted to you, but I've entered into a profound committment that requires I overlook momentary attractions and remain loyal". But "I have a boyfriend in another city" usually just means "I'm not attracted to you".

And slumps always end. Usually with multiple possibilities at the same time -- it's feast or famine in the romantic world.