Letters to the Editor
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Discuss further!
>BTW – I would freak the fuck out if my husband donated his sperm to his brother’s wife. I would always see the resulting child as my husband’s (and mine). The idea of him donating his sperm seriously fills me with a sense of terror. What if my brother-in-law died and his wife remarried a nut job and I never say my husband’s child again and I never knew if he was safe and taken care of. This would go way past ‘upset.’ This would be about my emotional inability to give my husband’s child away. If my husband couldn’t respect that over his brother’s need for a genetic child you bet I’d leave him. -- Anne
Anne, do you and your husband have any children? Your threatened response to this hypothetical situation of yours indicates 'no'.
I have an acquaintance whose husband was infertile; his brother provided the sperm for all four of their sons (through IV fertilization). I don't know if the brother donor is married, but I would hope that you realize how selfish your attitude is.
WRT the LW, the letter doesn't say if she's discussed this with her sister or just with her husband. But it seems like there are valid reasons either way. How old are her three children? Is the youngest still in diapers, or more self-sufficient and school-age? Who is providing the childcare? Does she work to support her family, and would this impact their income?
I think the idea of what she wants to do is noble, but she also has to allay her husband's fears and concerns for his family's welfare. Maybe by reaching out to him and setting up terms -- sister and BIL pay for all medical costs incurred; very careful monitoring of her health; abortion if her life is in jeopardy; discussion of terms under which pregnancy will be terminated if amnio reveals fetal abnormalities, etc. -- they can reach a consensus. They would need to work it all through with her sister and BIL, too, and draw up legal paperwork.
And frankly, if her children are old enough, she should sit down and discuss the shared sacrifices with them as well. That she won't be able to do some things for the last trimester of her pregnanacy, and they might have to pitch in and help with housework, or forego a family vacation, or whatever. There should be consensus among all players, since this involves the whole family.
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Relationships and Control
I've known people within and outside my family who've been dead set on cockamamie ideas without regard for how they would affect the people closest to them. These are people who are impervious to others' feelings, have a lack of empathy that's rather unnerving, and possess a narcissism that compels them to act out their "heroic" fantasies without actually acknowledging the consequences.
I've known (or known of) women who insist on having additional children even though it's clear that the family finances can't support them, and who demand of their husbands to support them all.
Everyone, male and female, who have posted here admonitions regarding the physical, emotional, and psychological risks to the LW and her immediate family (husband and kids) are right on target. This sounds like more of a heroic fantasy in LW's mind (and not one she's necessarily committed to) than a well thought-out plan.
It's not selfish of her husband to want to maintain the daily life and integrity of the family he's co-established. He's thinking of everyone's well-being, as he rightly should. He's being realistic.
I'm divorced and have two sons of my own. They are the loves of my life, and I've carried on well (with some co-parenting on my ex's part). But I harbor no illusions about motherhood and what it takes to see that my sons' well-being is paramount. I'm in a relationship, and although my boyfriend says that, in another life, we may have had children together, I have no delusions about having another child, and fortunately he's a good friend to my sons.
It's one thing to fantasize about what how one might help someone else, and even talk about those fantasies with a spouse or loved one who might sympathize but then bring you back down to earth. No harm done there, really.
But...another thought...maybe one of LW's "complex reasons" for wanting to "help" her sister is actually having control over HER as well--e.g., "You've never appreciated me, and now, if I have your baby, you'll HAVE to be grateful to me the rest of your life."
As others have pointed out, we don't know LW's real motivations. But better to express and hash out a fantasy, and have that impractical bubble burst, than act on it and unnecessarily complicate one's life and one's family, and jeopardize one's marriage. And try some empathy, i.e. how all this will affect the children you already have.
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When you married your husband he became your family
You must put his feelings ahead of your sisters need for a child, and your desire to be a surrogate birth mother to this child.
It's simple - you have a familiy. Your husband, your children. You must put them first. If your husband is dead set against it, it is not your right to simply ignore him and go do something because you feel compelled. You put your own personal and emotional welfare at risk, and by going against his stated wishes, you put his emotional welfare at risk too. Also - you put your own famlly at risk, given the very real possible complications of pregnancy and childbirth. You could have an ectopic pregnancy; the baby could pass the amnio tests and then display profound issues at birth or even a year beyond. Now you are tied to these problems - financially, emotionally, and psychologically - for the rest of your life, in ways that are much different than if your sister were the birth mother of a compromised niece or nephew. While you may be willing to make this kind of sacrifice for your sister, it is unfair for you to unilaterally demand your family be willing to make this potential sacrifice as well.
Your only recourse is to convince your husband otherwise. Go to a couples therapist if you must. Talk it through. But your decision in this must be joint, so don't go if you're not willing to lose - you have to be willing to accept that, if you can't convince him, then you have no choice but to try to understand his 'side' and desist from your compulsion.
BTW - a compulsion is rarely a good thing. Maybe you simply chose improper terminology by which to describe your feelings on the subject. But if compulsion was indeed a considered choice - well, the point of identifying our compulsions is to devise ways of not acting on them. Perhaps you need to explore/understand the roots of this compulsion better; if you do so, your husband may soften his stance, seeing that you are acting on the solid ground of reasoning and understanding. Alternatiavely, you may find yourself agreeing with him, that this isn't such a good idea after all.
Leave your sister's needs out of this discussion. If you do decide to offer to be a surrogate, she is simply the recipient of a gift. If you decide against it, nothing has been taken away from her.