Letters to the Editor
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For any man who is married
this is a complete deal breaker and recipe for divorce. The fact is that, as a man, her husband will be responsible financially for this child and this bitch piece of shit is making a decision which will financially impact the entire family without regard to him or their situation. By the letter she sounds like a complete moron and psycho who should be medicated. He is in for trouble. Dump her now.
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Go for it!
The illusion that many of us have happily bought into is that marriage gives us an absolute veto power over any actions by our spouses that involve risks. In this case it's carrying a baby. Last month it was racing a motorcycle, next month it might be giving a kidney.
My view is, we only live once, and we shouldn't be afraid to take a few risks. Our lives aren't richer because we play it safe. We don't get awards or more friends at our funerals based on how many years we eek out. Living a good life is it's own reward.
Marriage is a great institution for raising kids; it's a refuge from a sometimes uncaring world, and it can be a place for providing mutual support and encouragement (on a good day anyway). But it doesn't always last and it doesn't always meet all of our needs for emotional connections, growth and personal fulfillment. Or maybe, if it really does meet all of our needs, that's a sign that we've badly undershot the mark. I think it's a mistake to make having a great marriage the be all and end all of our lives. It dooms us to disappointment.
Cary's right, carrying your sisters' child is an heroic act. It'll be a great experience that will buoy your heart for years.
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Technology doesn't change the core reality
Cary,
As much as I respect your work, you blew this one. If her husband is so strongly opposed, this is a terrible idea. It is her body, but its their home, and their life together.
There are a million reasons. The most obvious is that the technology that makes surrogacy possible without sex does not mask the primal, life-giving, and potentially life destroying intimacy out of it. Its not just male jealousy: consider a late miscarriage and the strange alliances of grief and relief and what an emotional mess that will be.
If she and her husband have real relationship, then she should not do this without his support.
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Decisions
I don't believe that her husband has veto power in this situation. Its her decision to make - her womb, her life. Period.
However, she needs to make that decision with her eyes open, and accept the consequences thereof. Those consequences could include undying gratitude from her sister. Or undying bitterness if she miscarries her sister's baby because of something, real or perceived, that she does. They could include forgiveness from her husband, or bitterness that turns into (now or later) a split, or a divorce.
This is a big deal. Either way, its her call, but she need's to own it.
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What if...
- She has a problem during pregnancy that requires total bedrest,
and can't even take care of their three children? Or if she's
employed, she can't work, and they lose that income? Who takes care
of her family and children?
- After amnio, it's discovered that the child has Down Syndrome
and her sister and hubby want her to have an abortion?
- Sister and husband die in a car crash during the
pregnancy?
- Sister and husband get divorced during the pregnancy?
- After delivery, it's discovered that the child has some serious
disability, and sister and husband renege on their agreement,
leaving the sister to file for child support and raise the child
herself?
- She dies in childbirth?
Seriously, Cary, you don't think the husband should be a willing partner in this?
- She has a problem during pregnancy that requires total bedrest,
and can't even take care of their three children? Or if she's
employed, she can't work, and they lose that income? Who takes care
of her family and children?
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Your Choice
I was very fortunate to be given an opportunity to choose to do this for my sister as well. However, my husband was supportive of it. He appreciated the risk and the inconvenience, but he has always considered my body to be my own. My sister and her husband agreed to pay for extra groceries, medical care and vitamins for the duration of the pregnancy. Really, as I explained it to my children, the whole situation is just glorified babysitting. That oversimplifies, of course -- there is considerable physical discomfort and risk -- but it is not your egg, not your husband's sperm, and you are just keeping their own child safe for them until they can take it.
I was thrilled that my sister and her husband would honour me with this request. I was even happier for them when, against all the medical odds, she found she was pregnant a month after she'd asked me to consider surrogacy. If my participation in bringing that happiness into their lives had consisted of carrying and delivering the baby, it would have been more than worth any disapproval from my husband. When someone else's reasons for disallowing something are simply selfish, I could not in good conscience allow that to make up my mind for me. Especially now that that baby is three and thinks he's the best uncle in the world.
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Baby lust
Yeah, ok, it's her womb, her life, and her marriage. Sounds like she's willing to risk all that to give her sister a baby. As many have asked, what is this great and complex and compelling need all about? I think if she goes through with it, she's not making a heroic or noble choice at all, she's making a selfish one. I feel bad for the poor man who will have to watch -- and support -- her through whatever the pregnancy brings, knowing that the only "reward" will be that his inlaws have a baby of their own. And he has to deal with all the side effects of pregnancy and consequences of this pregnancy that will interrupt his marriage and his life and the lives of his own children. He has a right to protect the integrity of his family.
I can't help it -- this whole thing makes me sick. The wife wants to push her husband into this and he's labeled with all sorts of ugly names if he doesn't cooperate. Why? So someone can have a BABY. Some women love the power and attention they get from carrying and giving birth to a baby, and I think this woman is one of them. This family has three already and the husband thought childbearing was over. The childless couple should either accept their lot, adopt, foster, or find another surrogate and leave the sister and her family out of it.
In marriage, I believe that the two partners should each be in total agreement about situations such as this or it doesn't move forward. The husband has rights, too, you know, and I don't mean "to his wife's body". He seems to have a good grasp of the larger repercussions and consequences, which his wife can't see due to the fog of her baby lust.