Letters to the Editor
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What about the three children ALREADY in the picture?
This isn't just a decision among the adults in the scenario -- there are three dependent children in the mix as well. How does the LW propose to explain the situation, and her decision, to them?
What if the pregnancy DOES precipitate the end of the LW's marriage, as it very well could? How will the LW explain the destruction of their family to her children? Would it be worth it?
Or what if the sister's marriage ends in divorce, and the sister's husband sues for custody? How would the LW feel about that loss?
Selfishness masquerading as selflessness is the worst kind of all; it's insidious, hard to pinpoint, and virtually impossible to talk someone away from. But it is exactly what's happening here. Adopt, indeed ... this is the worst kind of minefield.
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Assumptions
It is being assumed that the reason that the sister has not been able to carry a pregnancy to term is that she has some "defect" that doesn't allow her to do so which presumably the LW doesn't have. But there could be all sorts of other reasons. Spontaneous abortions often occurr because nature decides that the embryo is defective in some way which could be the fault of the sperm or the egg. At the best of times in vitro fertilization has a very low success rate so there is no guarantee that the LW would be successful in bringing baby to term, she is after all, 40 years old. Or it could take multiple attempts.
There is also no mention of how the sister and her husband feel about this. What would be their attitude of agreeing to this knowing that the husband of the LW is dead set against it.
And one would think that no doctor can go ahead and do this without getting the husband's consent. In many jurisdictions the husband is considered the legal father no matter where the sperm came from.
The LW needs to make a Solomon-like decision about whether she has a greater love and loyalty to her husband than to her sister.
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The Husband's Opposition
Perhaps this is a moment that may reveal to both husband and wife just how committed they are (or they aren't) to each other. It's pretty obvious as to the nature of her husband's opposition--and it sure isn't about her health or well-being. In fact, it sounds like the biggest threat to those areas is him if she goes through with the pregnancy. He perceives the surrogate pregnancy as an intrusion on his "territory," i.e., his wife's body belongs to him, exclusively. In any case, if it's not this issue, another one will reveal something more about the possessiveness of the husband. I think the LW should do it, and she needs to do it for her sister, as well as to make clear to hubby that he does not own her.
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About the sister
The LW does not state it, and mostly focuses on how this will impact her husband and her marriage, but I wonder if what is really going on, leading her to write the letter to Cary in the first instance is pressure from the sister or the family dynamic.
Her statement about how close she is to her sister "For a whole host of reasons too numerous and complex to outline in a letter, I feel a very deep and compelling need to help my sister in this way." There appears to be an underlying level of complexity, obligation, guilt even in what is driving her to make this decision and as a result she is obviously feeling some hesitation.
LW has glossed over "a whole host of reasons" about why she should do this, but I think it bears examining, it's whats at the heart of the matter.
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Advice from the Divorce Lawyer . . .
Cary and others have offered varying perspectives, some involving the examination of which course the LW "really" wants to take, and others discussing the consequences. These are important analysis and let me just add my perspective:
First, there is really no way to know how things will turn out from a relationship standpoint (both with the husband and the sister) or with regard to the LW's physical or mental health, or the pregnancy itself, under either course of action. Like many life decisions-- marriage, children, grad school...--- it's leap of faith, either course. Doing the surrogacy may result in undesired consequences, both forseen and not; likewise declining to do it. The mere introduction of the possibility and disagreement about it has already affected the marriage, no doubt, in some ways. Life being what it is, there is reason for significant caution.
Staying married is hard. Very very hard. That's why about half of all marraiges (depending how you count it) won't last. Many don't make it two years, lots of others can't survive twenty, others bust up after 30 years and every length in between. It's just hard. For a world of reasons.
It may be the husband may spend the better part of the year becoming increasingly angry and making life unpleasant for the LW. The analysis should probably go deeper though. Start with the very hardness of being married without the pregnancy. The surrogacy could very likely be a fundamental rift that the marriage can't survive. Maybe the LW and others contemplate that the husband would "leave" his wife over this (and would be a complete ass for doing so) (or a wronged and abandoned husband) (lots of different perspectives). But more likely it would not be that straightforward, but would be a major body hit to the relationship. It ups the odds that the marriage won't last, coupled with the all the other odds against any given marriage.
In some ways the LW has to decide what the contract is between herself and her husband. What drives her desire to help her sister, and how does that stack up with the vows of marraige, the decision not to simply gaze into one another's eyes, but to walk through life facing the rest of the world, side by side. And where the surrogacy decision fits into that. The decision to do this will affect both the LW and her husband deeply, and thus their relationship to one another.
It's not for me to judge right or wrong with regard to her marriage, or whether her desire to do this and her noble intentions to help her sister should control or not. I only caution that the decision, the year of living through the pregnancy, the strain on the relationship, and the aftermath, will affect both the LW and her husband, and she should carefully and broadly consider that. There is a downward spiral that may be triggered by either one of them in their unhappiness with one another in this situation. Disappointment and tension spiral down into resentment into actions that can destroy the marriage. Consider, at least, the possibility of divorce, of having to support her own household without the benefit of her husband's support, the children she and her husband have sharing their time back and forth between their parents.
It could happen. It does happen. Sometimes it's the best thing for everyone and sometimes it's the most devasting and awful experience imaginable. It happens all the time, I see it every day. It's the reality of modern life. It's sad.
There is some simplicity in wanting to examine: "Is my desire to do this for my sister worth the risk of divorce?" Of course it's much more complex than that. But engage deeply in that analysis.
Good luck LW.