Letters to the Editor
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What???
I did NOT get that the writer really wants to do this. I mean, I think in her head she wants to do it, she really wishes she could do it, but that it really is too big to contemplate. If the husband was objecting to his wife's giving up a kidney for her sister, it would be one thing, but I think it's entirely different for him to object to having his wife be used as a womb for his sister.
Here's one reason why I don't think she's so eager to do this. She writes: "However, I really can't imaging being sick and otherwise miserable during a pregnancy and going through the process of having a baby with a spouse who detests the idea and will, in all likelihood, remain upset with me for nine months." First of all, she obviously does not find pregnancy very pleasant (i.e; it makes her sick and miserable). And she would expect a lot of emotional and physical support, especially with three children. It's a LOT to ask of a man to support his wife through a pregnancy when he isn't even going to get to be the father of a child. Frankly, there's the yuck factor. If he's fine with the idea of his wife carrying his brother-in-laws sperm inside her body for nine months, then that's fine. But if he honestly doesn't feel comfortable with that, then I think he's not being a jerk. He's giving his wife useful information that she should absolutely heed. Third, this child will exist in the world as a living and very complicated reminder of this sacrifice that she and (unwillingly he) have made for the sister. That could drive a wedge between him and the sister that could make life very difficult for the wife. Let's face it, sometimes in-laws don't even enjoy spending Thanksgiving dinner with each other. Having your in-laws literally inside your wife's body might be a bit much.
Instead of thinking this guy is some kind of male oppressor, I think the wife should think that her husband is speaking from his heart and that he's telling her something important about his true feelings. He has every right to his point of view, and yes, the wife can do what she wants with her body, but she should be aware that it could have consequences, such as divorce or destruction of the relationship, which she may not like.
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Husband has veto power
LW should ask herself: How would she feel if her husband sired a child for his sterile brother? Now multiply that by about 1000 and you'll get the idea how he feels about this.
Once you get married, your spouse gets veto power over all sorts of things that single people can do without anyone's permission. Having other people's children is one of those things. If you break this contract, then don't be surprised when he goes off and does things without your consent. After all, you'll be telling him that he doesn't really matter - he'll go find a way to matter somewhere else. Your responsibility it to your husband and your children and to maintaining a happy, stable home. Helping your sister achieve a dream is nice, but it takes a backseat to these other considerations.
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Look into Paid Surrogacy
My advice is to check with a lawyer about surrogacy laws in your sister's state. (Some states support it and some have banned it.) It may be possible to pay a surrogate mother to carry the baby and since she wouldn't actually be the biological mother, maybe there wouldn't be any danger of her trying to get custody later on (a lawyer would know). You could do this through an agency and use a woman who has been thoroughly checked out and is known to be healthy, mature and mentally stable (and who perhaps has been a surrogate before). Maybe you and your husband could offer to help chip in to pay for the service if your sister couldn't afford it.
However, if this is not feasible, I would do a lot of thinking before taking Cary's advice. An issue this huge really does have the potential of destroying your marriage (which or course would have a devastating effect on your children). You can't just assume your husband will eventually get over it. So my advice is to weigh that danger against the way you'll feel if you don't so this for your sister and make the best decision for YOU and your own future! Good luck!
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Wow, did Cary get this one wrong
Deciding to bear a child for her sister over the very strong objections of one's husband is a terrible idea. Reproductive choices in any marriage (or committed relationship) should be mutually decided upon by *both* partners. This is true of having a couple's biological child, adoption, choosing *not* to have children, etc. In addition, the letter writer's husband may have deep concerns about the effect of this decision on the couple's 3 children - an issue that neither the LW nor Cary bother to address. Bad call, Cary.
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More to this, I think, than is being said.
What really struck me is when the LW wrote, "For a whole host of reasons too numerous and complex to outline in a letter, I feel a very deep and compelling need to help my sister in this way."
I think that any advice that is given here is completely contingent on what the whole host of reasons that you fail to mention *are*. Your statement implies that there's more than just a simple explanation as to why you're interested in doing this, from what I can see. If you had just said that you and your sister were close, or words to that effect, that would be simple enough. But what is the real nature of this complex relationship? You've left a pretty big hole in the picture here, and defining your relationship as "complex" could signal anything with regards to your own motives.
Surrogacy is a big deal, and you're quite up front with noting that it will be an inconvenience in your life, not to mention something that will make your husband quite uncomfortable. So what is making you think that this would be better than other alternatives that they might have available? What is driving you to think that this sacrifice is the best thing that you can personally do for your sister? Is it guilt about something that you've done? A sense of duty? A need to be protective? What?
There is also the possibility that your husband is not necessarily objecting to this on the basis of his own feelings, but on genuine concern about you. You've said yourself that you are going to be "sick and otherwise miserable during a pregnancy", and he has concerns about your "health and emotional well-being". Well, perhaps he *does* have concerns that you are not thinking about, or are downplaying in your own mind. Other commenters have made the assumption here that he is acting for selfish reasons, but is there some truth to what he is saying? He may not be budging, but have you listened to what he has been saying, and addressing his concerns?
Don't take this to mean that this isn't something which a person should do for a loved one. And hey, I could just be parsing too much meaning out of your letter. But again, there's this odd subtext throughout your letter that suggests to me that this is not just motivated by a simple, straightforward desire to help your sister. There's a piece of the story that you've left out.
Regardless of what that is, though, if you go into this type of situation with any sort of unreasonable expectations about what you are going to get out of it, you may really find yourself in a position that might have some severe psychological repercussions. Talk with this about someone that you can tell the whole story to.