Letters to the Editor
-
COMPELLED?
Not a good way to start--compelled. Smacks of obsession and a need to be the heroine or the good girl. The LW doesn't say how old her children are, but she should think very carefully about how they will feel, seeing Mommy give away the baby that grew in her belly. If they were ever told some sentimental tale of how they grew in Mommy's tummy and how they were loved from the moment that tiny seed was planted inside Mommy, perhaps they will wonder, "If Mommy can give away this baby--maybe I'm next."
!
-
The Why, and then the How
I agree with other posters that without knowing the reasons LW feels so strongly compelled to do this, it's impossible to fully evaluate the situation. But they must be pretty powerful ones; she doesn't merely say she would like to do this, she says she feels she must.
"Must" is a pretty strong feeling, especially at the age of 40 when pregnancy is so risky, and doubly so if her spouse objects. As someone for whom no amount of money could compel her to voluntarily become pregnant, let alone carry anyone else's baby, I find this rather fascinating, and am frankly at a loss as to why a woman would feel as though she "must" do such a thing. We can guess and guess at the reasons, but LW, if you're reading this, maybe you could give us a little more insight?
As for the poster who talked about other cultures where "interfamily adoptions" are common, you have a point about Americans being too isolated and privatized and hung up on the concept of "my child," as if a child were solely its parents' private property. However, I would have to assume that in the cultures you're talking about, it's also common for multiple generations and multiple families to live together under one roof and share child-rearing responsibilities, and I would also assume the LW is not in a situation like this herself; it's her and her husband rearing the children, and that's pretty much it.
If the LW was to take this on, does she know other people who would be available to step in and help her out should her pregnancy and/or afterbirth period become unexpectedly debilitating? While I would agree that her husband is not the "boss of her" or anything of the kind, it's also not fair to saddle him with a serious amount of extra work over his objections and with no other form of outside assistance. Would his objections be lessened if he knew he wouldn't have to handle the fallout all alone?
-
I would bet good money...
1) LW wasn't happy just having three kids; she got hooked on having babies, but husband didn't want more--and let her know it.
2) Her sister's plight gives her a perfect excuse to "take another hit," as it were, in the guise of being altruistic.
3) Husband knows how obsessed she is (which is why he's so concerned about her "emotional well-being" in addition to her health), and he fears this is yet another manifestation of her craziness. No woman who cared about her husband and children would put this kind of thing above their health and happiness, period.
-
This is complete and total idiocy
Why not adopt, and take someone out of poverty, rather than go through this imbroglio just to add another burden to this dying world? Do people really consider biological children superior? Nobody will answer this question for me.
-
Pretty Lady
Your letter the the LW was Seriously Annoying. Not only for its Flippant Condescending Tone, your inability to see the Husband's Point of View, and the fact that most of the letter was a forum for you to Talk Obsessively about the Swain Whose Sperm Got Away - what makes your letter so Seriously Bloody Annoying is its Abuse of Capitalization. I can be guilty of this crime as well, but you went into overdrive. Perhaps Obsessive Capitalization should have some limits placed on it? I bet you also use "impact" as a verb.
Never write another word again.
-
LW needs the advice, not the husband
BR said: "The greatest indirect risk, as others have said, is that the surrogacy will destroy LW's marriage. On the other hand, no one seems to have noted that by effectively not permitting LW to act on her own conscience, her husband is threatening his own marriage. I would certainly resent my husband for a long time if I were in LW's position."
Sure, and so would I. HOWEVER... we are advising the LW, not the husband.
If the husband writes in, we can advise him to go along with the plan. But he didn't write in.
We can only advise the LW to do what -she- should do to help her marriage and family.
I agree that she shouldn't have the baby without her husband's support. Of course she has the right to if she wants to, and obviously he can't stop her. But "having the right" isn't the same as the decision BEING right.
And "having the right to do what she wants with her body" isn't the same as "having the right to do what she wants with her body and it not affecting the relationship with her husband."
-
Pretty Lady
While there are indeed Those who have No Appreciation of historical literary style, I feel that I must Step Out from the fray and Offer a Wholehearted Endorsement. There is More than Enough random blather in these letters that one such as your good self who provides a modicum of Amusement and Recognition should not be stifled as They are attempting to Do. By all means, Free your Inner Muse and Delight us with your Sage Counsel and Whimsical Sophistication.
-
Adoption is not like going to the ATM
"For Chrissakes, people, sometimes you have to face the goddamn facts. The fact is, your sister can't have a baby. I know you are an entitled American who thinks God should be gift-wrapping (or baby-wrapping) happiness, but the fact is, the universe does not owe your sister a child; she, on the other hand, is free to go out and adopt one that is coming into this world no matter what."
I sense you haven't struggled mightily with the idea that you or your spouse cannot bear a child. When I was younger, I thought it wouldn't bother me in the least - I can adopt, right? I'm married now and the thought of not being able to have a child with my husband is unbearable not because I think my womb is some golden vessel but because I can't imagine going through the monthly disappointment of trying to conceive and not being able to or, worse, conceiving and miscarrying. I have a close friend who has had the latter happen at least four times. It is absolutely devastating, both emotionally and physically.
Also, adoption is not nearly as easy and worry-free as many posters seem to think it is. First, it costs thousands and thousands of dollars in up-front fees - and that's before the child arrives! Sure, bearing a child can be expensive, but much of it is covered if your insurance is decent. Adoption takes a long time and can fall through for any number of reasons. Furthermore, agencies often do extensive background checks: if you don't make enough money, have terrible credit, or have a criminal record, the process becomes extremely difficult. Your private life is opened up to scrutiny and the process is very, very time-consuming.
Furthemore - and this seems to be the elephant in the room here - the sister may want to know precisely where her child is coming from. You don't know that when you adopt, *especially* when you adopt from another country. The mother could have been taking drugs, drinking excessively during the pregnancy, smoking, be mentally challenged, etc. Ditto for adoption from the foster care system - many of those children have been abused and neglected and are very, very damaged as a result. Not everybody is willing to take that on and it's sanctimonious to judge somebody for not wanting to. This woman's sister simply wants to have a child, not bear the weight of the world on her shoulders.
I think the LW should take her husband's reservations extremely seriously and do not endorse her bearing her sister's child under HER circumstances. With that said, I see nothing wrong in the abstract with choosing to bear your sibling's child. I would do it in a second, if my husband was okay with it. As for the doomsday scenarios about the sister dying or somebody changing their mind three years from now - simply have the sister formally adopt the child to remove all ambiguity.
Good luck.