Letters to the Editor
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Scary
It never ceases to amaze me the amount of violently misogynistic people there are on this so-called intelligent forum. Wrong or right, the women who write Cary are usually attacked in the letters section as bitches, sluts & whores with either pms or baby lust and as all around haters of men. I find it quite scary, actually.
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That's funny....
....considering the amount of wildly unsubstantiated flak this LW's husband has taken for being a "possessive", "paternalistic" control freak. Get off your high horse, no one is accusing her of being anything but selfish and unrealistic. Do you truly believe yourself (or women, both as a class and invidiually) beyond criticism? If so, then I find you scary, madam.
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Karnak says
If this woman chooses to please her birth family over her husband's sensible and serious request, she will lose her marriage. That is her decision. But it will occur.
My first husband repeatedly dedicated stupendous amounts of time and money, and most importantly all of his loyalty and affection, to his physically healthy, mentally competent, greedy, lazy and spiteful parents and sisters. Now, he can apply all of his time and resources to them, as I gave him the boot.
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Ignore 10,000 stars
LW - It's commendable that you want to help your sister, I have a friend in a similar situation and I've thought about the same issues. However, you have formed a family with your husband and children and they have to be your top priority. If you're husband is not on board, you are risking a lot. Remember, your sister has other options, you have one marriage. I do not think consulting and being in agreement with your husband on MAJOR life decisions is being submissive in any way, it's being partners. Are your husband's concerns about your healthy and emotions valid? Your letter suggested they were. Will pregnancy jeopardize your ability to take care of your own children? What if you get sick or have to be on bed rest? Can you take care of your family then? Will your family be able to handle the post-partum "mommy gave away the baby" issues? I'm not saying surrogacy is a bad thing, but everyone needs to be on board. It's too big a decision to go into if you can't get your husband on board.
I have a friend with health issues and 2 older children. When she became pregnant accidentally her husband was mad and he seemed calloused. She spent her pregnancy sick because she couldn't take her medications and now she is post-partum (still off meds because of breastfeeding). She has pretty much neglected her first 2 kids for the last 6 months and is now getting depressed. Not really a pretty situation.
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common sense versus heroism
I hope Cary hears from the LW again and posts a follow-up on what she decided to do.
It seems to me that what Cary is saying is: sometimes, so rarely - maybe once in each lifetime - you get a chance to do what's right, or what's easy. To put it in religious terms, you can choose the World (or the Devil) or you can choose the side of the angels. When those moments come, you [i]know[/i] what's right, but it's easy to talk yourself into thinking you don't. Habit, good sense, society, all these things are arrayed against you. And on your side - what? God, if you believe in God. Your own principles. In other words, everything worth having, but nothing you can see or touch or lean on.
It's hard to tell from a letter whether the LW is in fact facing one of these situations. Cary may be overreacting, projecting his own emotions onto the LW. He does that sometimes. But, on the off chance his instincts are correct, I would like to say to the LW: Don't be afraid. If you do what's right, you will find you have a whole host of allies you never expected to have.
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Oddly absent...
In everything the LW wrote, there are several key points missing:
MISSING: First, her list of "numerous and complex reasons" that explain why she has a "very deep and compelling need" to help her sister. It would seem to me that that list would comprise at least the first paragraph, if not the entire letter. Aren't they at the very heart of this? But she blithely skips over them, as many other posters have noted. It's as though she's saying, "Hear me out! I want this really really bad! But I can't/won't tell you the real reasons why. Yes, I'm driven, but you stick to the facts I give you." Why?
MISSING: Secondly, the detail of the request or agreement made with her sister. Did the sister even ask? Is this a plan LW dreamed up and wants to offer the sister as a gift? Do the sister and her husband even WANT this gift? Yes, they may very much want a baby -- but a baby via THIS method, as many other posters have pointed out, is frought with the potential for bad outcomes for all involved, and we don't know these people. We have not heard their story at all. It is not impossible to think that they themselves would be hesitant to accept this generous offer from the LW. And we are left to assume from the LW that they would be good and fitting parents (an assumption her husband might not be sharing).
But LW doesn't address these very pertinent details in her letter at all. The LW places Cary in the position of offering his consideration and advice without even knowing whether this request or offer has even been made. If she were to ask a friend for advice in real life, the first thing she'd be asked to explain is what has already taken place. But all that is strangely missing from her letter.
MISSING: Thirdly, the FULL content of the husband's absolute opposition to LW's surrogacy. She does write that, "he worries about my health and emotional well-being, and believes a pregnancy could prove very bad for both," but beyond that nothing is given. It is not impossible, as another poster suggested, that this LW is subject to post-partum depression (a la Andrea Yates), or some other physical or mental condition that would be rendered unstable by a pregnancy. An existing mental condition would also explain the drivenness of LW to "help" her sister and not want to explain why. Yet the words LW uses to describe his objections seem extremely *mild* for someone who, as she says, "is absolutely opposed to the idea, and all of the discussion in the world is not changing his mind". Too mild. Again, the meat has been left out, and we have not heard his story either.
Sounds like LW didn't want real "advice" from Cary nearly as much as she wanted an imprimatur. Much of what would give a truly balanced picture of the situation has been left out or glossed over. If this is the way she's going at it at home, no wonder her husband won't have anything to do with it.