Letters to the Editor
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Correction
I published too soon. I should have said "Don't have the baby, and if you are not able to get over ***any serious feelings you may have** about a man controlling your body against your own wishes..."
I didn't mean to imply that naturally this woman will feel as I do, of course.
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In defense of womb with a view
I'm an American and I agree with her. I think many Americans do have a disconnected relationship with their families, and worry too much about their own self. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for being independent, but I also think there is much to be said for being part of a family that can be selfless for each other and from time to time, put the family's needs ahead of their own.
Also, I don't have my own children, so I can't speak to any mother-child bond, but since the letter writer has 3 children of her own I'm sure she knows what she would be getting herself into from a physical and emotional perspective. Of course she'll feel a bond with the child. I feel a bond with my niece and nephew, more than I ever could have imagined I would. My aunts are like second mothers to me. (In fact, I look enough like one of them I've been mistaken for her daughter before.)
I just think it is a beautiful and heroic thing she wants to do. I think it's a shame her husband doesn't see it and support her in this. But I think it's her body. I also think that most of us regret things we didn't do, not the things we did. I just got the sense that if the LW doesn't go through with this that 20 years from now she'll wish she had.
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Look before you leap
Think very carefully (I know some of you have made these points already but I'm going make 'em again)
Suppose the baby has serious health issues or is disabled? Will the baby be perceived as "damaged goods"? Will you feel somewhat responsible? Will the sister hold you somewhat responsible?
Suppose your sister makes some decisions about raising the child that you profoundly disagree with. Will you feel that you should have more of a say in these matters, since the child is biologically yours?
Suppose your sister and BIL's circumstances nosedive and they are living in relative poverty. Will you feel more compelled to bail them out than you otherwise would? Will you resent this?
It is very generous of you to consider this and if it were the ONLY way your sister could have a child, I would think it was justifiable. But the fact is that your sister could adopt a child. In fact, she could adopt a child from an impoverished country that otherwise has a bleak future..a child that is going to be born no matter what she decides.
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10,000 stars
Dear 10,000 Stars,
The LW does not list the specifics of her husband's reservations except to say that he is concerned about the "emotional" and "physical" impact. Rather than a patriarchal, testosterone-fueled desire to dominate the body of his female, it is far more likely he has legitimate concerns about a post 40s pregnancy and the complications that often arise from surrogacy. There is plenty of anecdotal evidence to support both fears. Isn't that sort of informed counsel appropriate for a loving partner? Rather than consider this more likely scenario, you acusse someone, with little supporting evidence, of an ugly desire to control and brutalize his wife into submission. Isn't reckless, angry and hostile finger-pointing the sort of behaviour men are often accused of? Are you really male and you just won't to embarrass women with your thoughtless post?
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10,000 Stars....good luck
If this poor sap's position of not wanting his wife and the mother of his children to willingly (and pointlessly, as you have completely and conveniently sidestepped the adoption angle, I note) take on an absurdly huge burden that will severely compromise the quality of his life for the next year-plus (and add an unwelcome and awkward element to the dynamics of their extended family for all time, AND possibly expose him, incredibly as it sounds, to onerous support obligations in certain situations), for no gain, makes him a bad guy and her marriage to him "messed up" for his having an opinion....well, I don't even know where to start. I will say that your suggestion that she can simply "build her community connections" (?) and find a new, magically enlightened husband, as if she was shopping for produce, is frankly absurd. That guy you're thinking of is about as abundant a species as the black-footed ferret. I honestly don't know a single guy who would willingly accede to such an unnatural "request" from his wife/SO. Maybe a couple would allow themselves to be bullied or pushed into it, but they aren't representative of any significant portion of our population, or any other. The fact that he doesn't want to put up with this dewey-eyed idiocy doesn't make him possessive, it makes him opinionated (and sensible). As so many others have asked, what if the husband decided he wanted to indulge some absurd fantasy that made her life miserable and/or severely disrupted her family? Wouldn't that be his "right"? Hey, it's his body, it's his life, why should any impact on her factor into the equation? Granted, her objections couldn't qualify her as "paternalistic", but they'd be coming from the same place. How is it any different? Please, tell us how. You're talking some real pie-in-the-sky stuff here, I need some help following along.
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Womb With A View,
Please, tell us what perfect utopian nation you hail from so that we barbaric American neanderthals know which ideal society to emulate.
While we're waiting, I'll agree with others who opine that the LW is making a mistake to take such a drastic step without the support of her husband. She certainly has every right to do what she wants with her body. But having that right doesn't necessarily mean it should be exercised.
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Well
I like that I can have a disconnected relationship with my family. God bless America!
Look, the idea of her carrying this child for her sister is stupid. More babies do not equal more love. It will equal more misery for her and everyone around her, including her husband and children.
LW wants to be a hero. Contrary to popular belief, there IS something wrong with that. There is a reason why transplant centers screen people who offer to donate organs to strangers for hero complex issues. There is always the danger that LW will want more from her sister and this child than they are able to give to her. LW wants the allure and magic and power of being pregnant, with all the adoration and attention that comes with that, along with all of the worshipping that will come her way when people learn of her sacrifice for her sister.