Letters to the Editor
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it's about love, you silly people
God, you Americans and your excessively privatized notion of family, your confined notion of obligation, and your "boundaries" and "issues" and endless "analysis." If a woman wants to bear a child for her childless sister, if she's good at being pregnant, if it's a gift she can give selflessly and in full knowledge of all the physical and mental effects of a pregnancy, then who are you -- or anyone, husband included -- to stand in her way?
If she wanted to donate a kidney, would you all be so bloody righteous about boundaries and dubious overinvestment and the husband's rights and so on and so on? So why can't she donate a kid -- or more properly, donate a well-maintained uterus for the duration, and perhaps some breastmilk for afterwards? Honestly, what's the difficulty here?
Intra-family adoption is a long-held and still frequently practised norm in most civilized cultures; only in the scattered, disconnected, alienated most industrialized countries do people have to turn to adoption agencies, and surrogates for hire. Good on this woman for proving the true meaning of family. More babies, more love; and a generosity that gives without counting the cost, or without phoning the shrink to ask if it's OK, or without running it past the hubby for permission.
Yes, it will be tricky, but families are tricky however they come about. Yes, husband has a say, and some totally valid concerns that spring from growing up in a country where children are private property, not members of the tribe; and perhaps specific concerns about the impact of nine months of pregnancy at a relatively advanced age. But you-all are actively enabling him and fanning his fears with your doom-laden, bossy rhetoric of boundaries and damaged trust and entitlement and blah blah blah. It's precisely that rhetoric that makes things even more difficult for children and families who come about in non-traditional ways to just get on with things and spread the love.
And enough with the sneering, uncharitable speculation on her "host of reasons too numerous and complex to outline in a letter" (although my guess, if I had one, would be that perhaps she helped her sister through a difficult or obvious decision to have an abortion when younger, and now feels cosmically inclined to help rebalance the scales. Hey, I would do it in a heartbeat).
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How will that make you feel?
You are in the hospital. You have just given birth to your sister's baby. Having been through this three times before, your first instinct will be to embrace the child as the nurse places it in your arms. They give the baby to your sister to hold instead. After all, it's her child. How will that make you feel?
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Dear womb with a view
Dear Womb with a View,
F&!* off with your 'you Americans' comments. Yes we have our issues and problems but this decision to carry a child goes beyond satisfying her own need to carry a child for her sister, noble and kind as the intention is. Your example of donating a kidney is ridiculous as that would be a life saving measure, having a child on her behalf is not.
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Womb With a View,
I notice you don't mention what country you come from. Come on, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. Is it that place where they all smell of cheese and perspiration? Or the nation of sissy-men who condescend to let their dumb jock cousin do their fighting when the going gets rough? The place where they once made big ovens for cooking people in? Or the place where cross-dressers boil some meat by-products, give it a name that sounds like a skin disease, and eat it (no wonder they always look so constipated)?
Come on, you can tell us. Like you, none of us harbors any unflattering stereotypes here.
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what about the baby's health?
Dear LW,
While it is commendable that you want to do this for your sister, I wonder if you are painting too rosy a picture of the outcome. Of course, with any pregnancy, parents must imagine the future child will be perfect. I'm not sure if you will be using your own egg or that of your sister's, but whatever, both the egg and the sperm will be from older parents. Unfortunately, this raises the possibility of birth defects and possible other health problems. Also, the child could be born with a disease unrelated to the parents' ages. Whatever, I think you must consider how that will affect your relationship with your sister and your husband. Will your sister come to resent you because this child is in as perfect health as your other children? Will she or her husband want more financial support from your husband and you if the child needs medical care? I hate to be cynical, but I think you must take all this into account before you make such a decision.
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I hope she does it, but of course it's her potential messed-up marriage, not mine
It would be hard for me to stay in a marriage with a man who thought he ought to have the last word over what I did to my own body. It would also be hard for me to stay married to a husband who thought he understood my mental health better than I did, which is totally paternalistic, and was willing to secondguess me in this way, and then issue a command from on high. This woman has three kids to take into consideration, so she may choose differently, but if it were me, I'd never stop resenting it.
It sounds to me from your letter that fortunately you do not think your husband will never get over a decision on your part to have this baby. However, I say, to the LW, that if you have enough money to support your children after a possible divorce, then go have your sister's baby if it is something you really feel you want to do.
If not, and if you seriously think your husband will divorce you over the matter but will not adequately take care of his obligations to your living children if this divorce happens (you have not mentioned any of these matters, of course) then out of obligation to your children, you are stuck. Don't have the baby, and if you are not able to get over your natural feelings about a man controlling your body against your own wishes, then divorce him after your children are adults (or sooner if you come to feel you really must)--and spend the time between now and then building up your financial and emotional ability to live alone, as well as your community connections (if they need building) so that you can find a new husband if you decide you want one someday.
I think your husband's showing his true colors right now. I could be (and hope) I am wrong, but from your letter, it sounds to me as though he really does think he should have the final word on this matter. You're not me, and will make your own decision that is right for you and your children, but honestly, if it were me, I have to say that control over my own body would be one of the few, *extremely* rare deal-breakers for me in a marriage.