Letters to the Editor
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Adoption is not like going to the ATM
"For Chrissakes, people, sometimes you have to face the goddamn facts. The fact is, your sister can't have a baby. I know you are an entitled American who thinks God should be gift-wrapping (or baby-wrapping) happiness, but the fact is, the universe does not owe your sister a child; she, on the other hand, is free to go out and adopt one that is coming into this world no matter what."
I sense you haven't struggled mightily with the idea that you or your spouse cannot bear a child. When I was younger, I thought it wouldn't bother me in the least - I can adopt, right? I'm married now and the thought of not being able to have a child with my husband is unbearable not because I think my womb is some golden vessel but because I can't imagine going through the monthly disappointment of trying to conceive and not being able to or, worse, conceiving and miscarrying. I have a close friend who has had the latter happen at least four times. It is absolutely devastating, both emotionally and physically.
Also, adoption is not nearly as easy and worry-free as many posters seem to think it is. First, it costs thousands and thousands of dollars in up-front fees - and that's before the child arrives! Sure, bearing a child can be expensive, but much of it is covered if your insurance is decent. Adoption takes a long time and can fall through for any number of reasons. Furthermore, agencies often do extensive background checks: if you don't make enough money, have terrible credit, or have a criminal record, the process becomes extremely difficult. Your private life is opened up to scrutiny and the process is very, very time-consuming.
Furthemore - and this seems to be the elephant in the room here - the sister may want to know precisely where her child is coming from. You don't know that when you adopt, *especially* when you adopt from another country. The mother could have been taking drugs, drinking excessively during the pregnancy, smoking, be mentally challenged, etc. Ditto for adoption from the foster care system - many of those children have been abused and neglected and are very, very damaged as a result. Not everybody is willing to take that on and it's sanctimonious to judge somebody for not wanting to. This woman's sister simply wants to have a child, not bear the weight of the world on her shoulders.
I think the LW should take her husband's reservations extremely seriously and do not endorse her bearing her sister's child under HER circumstances. With that said, I see nothing wrong in the abstract with choosing to bear your sibling's child. I would do it in a second, if my husband was okay with it. As for the doomsday scenarios about the sister dying or somebody changing their mind three years from now - simply have the sister formally adopt the child to remove all ambiguity.
Good luck.