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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Dear Hoping,
I too am the child of a mentally ill, very abusive mother. Our histories are much the same.
I was very fortunate to have been able to find a good therapist, and to start dealing with the hurt and anger with which I struggled. I came to understand that the "good" mother was not gone, just held prisoner by the "demon" of her illness. I worked on strengthening the parts of me that the demon assailed, so instead of defending myself with callousness and withdrawl, which I hated myself for, I could respond with strength. I found a path upon which I could carry out my daugher's duty to her parents without becoming a martyr.
This may not happen for you, through no fault of your own. Nonetheless, I would urge you to hope for it.
Please take care of yourself. Please find someone to help you cope if you feel you are not coping. Cary may be right in that hope for your mother's recovery is unrealistic, but there is good hope for yourself, for your father, and for your relationship with your angry, hurting sister.
My best wishes to you,
Been There
My mother is Paranoid Schizophrenic. What I have to say is ridiculously biased and very angry. It's been a long road for me, but I'll share what I've come up with so far.
It's all about you now. Seriously. You need to heal.
Get a support "team" - therapist, a very few close friends/family & a group (either NAMI, which I find a little too focused on the "consumer" personally, or an AA group or other group that deals specifically with abuse like survivors of incest anon. When I, in an online forum, asked for assistance that was non "nami" someone suggested that I try an AA type group, at first I was like No Way, but I've found it to be a valuable place to share and gain knowledge - and to see people coming through the other side of bad things.
I've read loads of books on schizophrenia; it's good to keep your knowledge base up to date, but honestly my fav is Alan Alda's "Never Have Your Dog Stuffed..." He's a great read, and though he doesn't get into it, it's all about it in the end.
You can't save her, and what's more is paranoia aside, there are windows of comprehension, she could have and should have stayed on meds. They never do of course, because they seem to prefer being ill to the drugs, but there are all kinds of new meds. If she had patience she would have tried harder, but she didn't, did she? She chose chaos over you. She abandoned you. And you know what, mental illness doesn't excuse that. There are responsible mentally ill people out there, protecting their families and holding jobs. Oh, but it's schizophrenia, which is REALLY CRAZY - right, heard that one a thousand times yet? I'm sick of hearing how it's not their fault and I as a daughter need to find compassion. Personally I'll find some damn compassion when my mother choses to get help.
In my case, my mother had been diagnosed before I was born, but everyone chose to look the other way and step out the door while I was abused by a psychopath who believed I was possessed by demons amoung other delusions. I didn't even know what her diagnosis was until a few short years ago. She doesn't have my number. You do what you need to to live your life, you know?
I wish you luck in your journey LW. If your family can help each other heal that might be something. I imagine it's a mix of those in denial, the she's your mother group, and the I'm not talking to any of you ever again because your all crazy people. I say don't give up on em all. There's bound to be people who want to get on the other side of this. Everyone else gets on the holiday card contact list, if you know what I mean.
I feel like when someone is ill like our mothers are, we have to morn and grieve because they are lost. A friend who's mom has Alzheimers was able to understand me more than other people...there will be people who understand, and won't try to tell you what you should do to help her. Your life doesn't need to be all about her.
You will be ok.
Dear LW,
Your letter brought me to tears. I went through a similar experience with my own mother, in my late 20s, and the pain of it is often still with me.
My mother was admitted against her will into a psychiatric hospital for three weeks after she was found inside her house with all the windows barricaded; sleeping on the floor next to a canister of gasoline (she was a smoker) and a copy of the suicide manual "Final Exit." The walls had been written on; she was delusional and paranoid. I've never experienced anything more heart-breaking or frightening than her state of mind. It was completely impossible to reason with her. This was a woman who had single-handedly raised two children and managed a successful career, with lots of friends and accomplishments, suddenly reduced to raving lunacy. I remember one of the nurses asking me, "Why are you crying? She's not." Well, I thought (and still do), ....because I'm not completely crazy?
Here's my take on personal responsibility, the bitter fruit of experience -- you have to live with yourself. This is your mother, not some unfortunate soul on a street corner you can give some spare change and a sandwich to and just go on with your life. There's no escape, only tough choices.
Whatever you are feeling, what your mother is going through is at least as devastating. She is not doing the things she is doing intentionally. She cannot help herself. It's not an excuse or manipulative behavior. You have to protect yourself, get help and support, but I am fairly certain that you will regret it if you don't find a way to reach out to her, to whatever degree you are able.
I would strongly urge you to find a very good therapist to help you through this, in addition to the support groups and NAMI. You need someone with whom to talk about all that you are thinking and feeling, without having to censor anything. The emotions around this are strong, complicated and often conflicting.
You are blessed in that you have your father, who sounds like an amazing soul, and your sister to get through this with together. Support each other in whatever way you can. Everyone has their own ways of coping, but you all share a love and a common desire to help your mother as much as possible, as much as she will allow. Talk it over and agree to give one another the space for that. Your mother needs all of you, even as she pushes you away, and you all need each other.
The last time I heard from my own mother was on my answering machine. The only thing she said was her own name inserted into the operator's "Will you accept a collect call from ________?" I got the message very late, after a long Passover dinner and interminable ride home. I had a headache, I was tired. I'll call tomorrow, I thought. Can't deal right now. But by morning my mother had killed herself.
I will never be able to do that differently. I will always, always, always wish I could, even though I know the result might well have been the same.
My heart truly goes out to you and your family. Take of one another.
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