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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I can't imagine what it must be like to feel that you have lost so much in a short period of time. I am glad that you wrote Cary and that he published your letter so that you can get advice from him and support from readers - many of whom have had experiences somewhat similar to yours. You are not the only one, but in some ways you are alone. Yo must be your own best friend, your own advocate. You must look after yourself and try to not let this become the main and only thing in your life. Eventually you will come out if this stronger, braver, more empathetic, more understanding, more mature - you will be a wise person and you will be OK. I hope your sister will come around - she is probably scared - but she may not. Keep looking around you and forward, there are still good things out there.
Take care.
Dear LW,
While reading your letter, I had a couple of thoughts. I notice that you say that although you and your sister suffered abuse from your mother, you cannot blame her because she is mentally ill. While I agree that she is not sane enough to be culpable for her actions, I do think it's important that you allow yourself to grieve for the pain you experienced and the losses you suffered, including the loss of the mother you knew or at least the mother you hoped for.
I also sensed that you might feel some guilt about completely cutting off contact with your mother. While it's understandable - we cannot allow our lives to be derailed by someone else's mayhem - perhaps you could find a balance that would allow you some contact with your mother but also protect you at the same time. Since your mother lives out of state, perhaps you might occassionaly communicate with her by letter.
Finally, I really feel for any family who has gone through the experience that yours has. I can't recall what type of setting your mother is living in, but have you considered a residential treatment home? I had a cousin who was a paranoid schizophrenic, and after she tried to stab her mother, she was put into a residential treatment facility. She actually did much better there, because she was medicated, and also because she responded well to structure. Her mom and siblings visited her regularly, and were even able to bring her home for short family visits because she was medicated. I actually think she lived a happier life in the facility than she would have outside of it. Depending on the severity of your mother's illness, this may be something you want to consider.
Best wishes to you and your family.
This is a snapshot of my life, only the sick one is my wife, now ex-wife, and the illness is Bi-Polar. I spent 11 years with a woman who I still consider beautiful and wonderful and full of potential, but at a certain point I could no longer take the accusations of abuse, the denial of prognosis, the skip of meds, the suicide attempts, all of which were blamed on me. When blaming me didn't work, the illness was blamed. When I spoke of marriage and family needing to consist of 2 people making contributions and supporting each other, I was accussed of selfishness. I was physically attacked and blamed for this. Beyond that I was accussed of physical abuse that never took place. My wife slowly turned me into someone I didn't recognize. I watched savings of tens of thousands of dollars disappear and saw credit card debt of tens of thousands of dollars slowly and insidiously slither its way into our lives. eBay became a midnight excursion. I couldn't keep track of where the money was going. All the while, I was accussed of being controlling, domineering, and dogmatic. I bent over backwards to accommodate her desires. Kept the credit cards open, continued to let her have open reign with the checking and savings accounts....
I slowly began to realize that my wife did not want to get well, she was afraid of what that would mean. Afraid of not being able to blame something or someone in her life for all of the disappointments and failures. Yes, I took a vow , it said in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer. But I did not vow to stay in a marriage of abuse, both physical and emotional and I didn't take a vow to watch the one I love refuse to heal. The ill still have personal responsibility. They are responsible to take their meds, maintain their regiment of exercise and omega 3s, get proper sleep, eat well. Sometimes they can do all of this, sometimes just taking the meds is almost an impossible feat. No one said it was easy, but it is necessary for one's self and for one's love ones. My wife didn't think her health was her responsibility and she was afraid to heal. I left, but I will always love her and will always know what great things she is capable of accomplishing in this life.
There is no guilt, only sadness and in the darkest of hours a small glimmer of hope.
People weed themselves out. It is a good thing.
Get in touch with NAMI (The National Alliance on Mental Illness - www.nami.org). They offer a free, 12-week class called Family-to-Family, taught by people who've been (and still are) there. Topics include medication issues, dealing with crises, caring for caretakers and ways to find community resources. The most healing piece of the class is finding out that you're not alone - when I took the class, and subsequently went through the 30-hour training marathon required to become a F-2-F faciliator, many of my fellow trainees commented to one-another that "as bad as I thought my situation was, I can't imagine going through what you have..."
It will help you a lot.
Good luck:
Amy Waldman
I am one of those "defective people - worth removing". According to some of your readers, I should "weed myself out. It is a good thing."
My last bad episode did throw my family into turmoil. I felt helpless to stop the psychosis that was ripping me apart. Not everyone was able to accept this (my daughter accused me of faking, and threatened to cut off access to my granddaughtter). However, my husband found a way to stand by me, though at times he no doubt felt that he was in the middle of a war.
What happened was that I finally found a psychiatrist (through a friend) who knew what he was doing, and diagnosed me as bipolar (the shrinks at the hospital kept saying histrionic personality disorder, as if I were some kind of drama queen). That was the point at which I began to recover.
On the right medication, and paying a lot of attention to sleep and nutrition and exercise and spirituality and social contact, I began to slowly get better. My interests came back, my thoughts were no longer exclusively focused on illness, and I began to feel grateful to have survived.
Should I have been weeded out? I wonder. Am I defective, and worth removing? My family doesn't think so. Much healing has happened through information and understanding. I am slowly getting used to the idea that I have a chronic condition, not unlike diabetes or MS. I can't quite forget that I have it, but it no longer needs to dominate my life.
I realize I'm very fortunate, and I am also aware that many people are so sick that they deny they are sick, causing havoc in their families. My best friend has had to distance herself from her mother, and I support her in her decision. But please don't treat the mentally ill as expendable. Stigma is damaging and dehumanizing and generates shame, and some of your readers' comments indicate that it is still very much alive. I value my life, I believe I make a significant contribution, and I don't appreciate being treated like a write-off.
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