At least I can't do worse.

Look, people, this is just a variation on a theme: I want it all, but only when I want it, and with minimal responsibilities, and very little effort.

That is what 99% of these letters boil down to. Semi-instant gratification.

And in case you hadn't noticed, it's not like Cary gets held to any standard. You don't hear of anyone reporting back, saying his advice (or even ours) was the least bit helpful...just a moment of faux celebrity. (Look, everyone! I got my shitty life printed in Salon!)

The whole column is just one more way for Salon to draw clicks to the site and get ad revenue...oh and for Cary to collect his long-winded essays and make money from a book. Show me the person dumb enough to buy a book of useless essays that can be downloaded for free online and I'll show you someone who really does need therapy.

Sorry to show you there's nothing to see behind the curtain. At least now you have more time to fix your own problems.

I have great sympathy for the letter writer, but little practical advice. This situation totally sucks. Do NOT let your sister or anyone else guilt you into taking care of your mother (and I am relatively "pro-guilt" in other situations). Your mother is GONE and it's nobody's fault. Your life matters too! Be patient with your sister, but she is wrong. Perhaps your sister does not realize that schizophrenia is a true disease, with a biochemical basis (the evidence for schizophrenia is much stronger than for other mental health issues that are labeled as "diseases"). Maybe if you gently educate your sister about your mother's grim prognosis she will eventually come around.

Your poor father, too. This may sound harsh, but if I become schizophrenic and refuse to take meds, I HOPE my wife and kids abandon me. Because I love them and want them to be happy, instead of stuck in hell.

LW, Cary has pointed you in some good directions. It does sound as if you need a bit of respite care, however. Finding an afternoon alone and outside the 'thereness' of your mom's illness is essential.

My daughter and I are now 3 years into her being properly diagnosed. I suppose it is a measure of progress that sometimes I forget she is mentally ill when I'm dealing with her then boom! it all goes to heck in a handbasket for a few minutes as I ask myself: what happened? Ohhh yeah...I forgot for a moment that I am *always* dealing with someone carrying an impaired mental load. I liked the idea of the ritual of burying your hopes and dreams of the mother you'd like to have back, but I think we have to move into that by stages, especially when they are still here among us.

So what have I learned as I approach step 10:

1) everyone appreciates structure [not always willingly or politely] so the boundaries are there and repeated as often as they need be.

2) Also I'm careful to make the distinction between life decisions (e.g. those choices she makes because that is who she is and would make even if she were not mentally ill) and decisions driven by her illness. This is not always easy and as she has improved and her life has become more complex, we often have to do it together. I expect it will be an ongoing thing.

3) She has a sister too who loves her and who is struggling to come to terms with this. I am 64 and working to set up an environment so I don't have to worry about Daughter #1 winding up under a bridge, but that requires Daughter #2 helping with being trustee of the account when I'm gone etc. A good lawyer will know the trust laws of your state and can help you with it. It brings enormous peace of mind. As for her sister, though, it has taken 3 years to get to this point. Some days we take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. They are able to visit independently of having me along now and are rediscovering one another so for that I am grateful. They will need one another's strength when I am no longer around. The writer who noted the importance of siblings as those with whom you have shared the same childhood, same experiences is invaluable if for no other reason that to discover the different ways you interpreted the same events.

4) We don't get to chose the hand we are dealt and as another writer said: it's life....not more complicated and every bit as complicated as that. Do take as good care of yourself as you can and expect you will have your own 'mental health days' and luxuriate in them when you do. They will not come often enough but eventually you will find a balance.

Change the locks, change your phone number, do whatever you need to do to isolate the mental patient from your life. If you found yourself with a piece of shit car you would get rid of it, correct? Tough life. Defective people = worth removing.

It's YOUR life. Take care of yourself. If you're dainty, you die.

I've read the letters -- I wonder -- maybe she's been slightly misdiagnosed and that's why the meds are being rejected.

The problem is that there are different mental illnesses that present with psychosis. It makes a difference whether they get treated for one or the other.

Here's my experience -- my brother has schizoaffective disorder, which appears almost identical to schizophrenia, but with the added twist of a bipolar component.

If the psychotic part of a schizoaffective patient is treated with anti-psychotics, then you have a bipolar person on anti-psychotics. YOu're only halfway there.

The problem is -- if the mood swings aren't being treated then the person is probably eventually going to reject the anti-psychotic medication as part of a manic or depressive phase and then that person will go back to being fully blown crazy instead of half blown crazy.

It took me three years of fighting tooth and nail (figuratively) to get my brother on meds he would stay on. And this subtle misdiagnosis is the reason why it took so long.

One big problem I have found is -- EVERYONE WHO GETS TAKEN TO THE PSYCH WARD GETS HALDOL RIGHT AWAY.

Haldol - aka haloperidol - is the cheap old standard of anti-psychotics.

The problem my brother had was: once they shot him up with Haldol, he presented well enough so that they didn't dig any further and they missed his bipolar component and didn't treat it.

This could be your mother's problem too. They may be giving her Haldol and missing a bipolar component because Haldol works so well in the first couple of weeks it can mask other stuff going on.

But Haldol has terrible side effects. My brother went into convulsions for 24 hours once. That's an expected side effect. It's scary stuff, Haldol. The scarininess of Haldol is one reason why people quit taking it even when it works.

How did we break this Haldol cycle? The next time I had to call 911 and have him hauled away, I told the police officer that my brother was allergic to Haldol.

An allergy is something they have to report. So it got reported.

So when my brother got to the hospital, the doctors couldn't just shoot him up with Haldol as usual. They had to observe him carefully and come up with an alternate medication plan.

That was when they finally realized he didn't have schizophrenia, he had schizoaffective disorder, and he got a better medication prescription. An anti-psychotic plus lithium.

And he's stuck to that prescription, because it works, and there's no Haldol in it.

Right now I would have to say that Haldol is as much an obstacle as it is an aid to treating mental illness in this country.

If you want a patient in the psych ward to get the best treatment possible -- tell the doctors the patient is allergic to Haldol.

That's the big life lesson I have to offer here.