Get in touch with NAMI (The National Alliance on Mental Illness - www.nami.org). They offer a free, 12-week class called Family-to-Family, taught by people who've been (and still are) there. Topics include medication issues, dealing with crises, caring for caretakers and ways to find community resources. The most healing piece of the class is finding out that you're not alone - when I took the class, and subsequently went through the 30-hour training marathon required to become a F-2-F faciliator, many of my fellow trainees commented to one-another that "as bad as I thought my situation was, I can't imagine going through what you have..."

It will help you a lot.

Good luck:

Amy Waldman

I am one of those "defective people - worth removing". According to some of your readers, I should "weed myself out. It is a good thing."

My last bad episode did throw my family into turmoil. I felt helpless to stop the psychosis that was ripping me apart. Not everyone was able to accept this (my daughter accused me of faking, and threatened to cut off access to my granddaughtter). However, my husband found a way to stand by me, though at times he no doubt felt that he was in the middle of a war.

What happened was that I finally found a psychiatrist (through a friend) who knew what he was doing, and diagnosed me as bipolar (the shrinks at the hospital kept saying histrionic personality disorder, as if I were some kind of drama queen). That was the point at which I began to recover.

On the right medication, and paying a lot of attention to sleep and nutrition and exercise and spirituality and social contact, I began to slowly get better. My interests came back, my thoughts were no longer exclusively focused on illness, and I began to feel grateful to have survived.

Should I have been weeded out? I wonder. Am I defective, and worth removing? My family doesn't think so. Much healing has happened through information and understanding. I am slowly getting used to the idea that I have a chronic condition, not unlike diabetes or MS. I can't quite forget that I have it, but it no longer needs to dominate my life.

I realize I'm very fortunate, and I am also aware that many people are so sick that they deny they are sick, causing havoc in their families. My best friend has had to distance herself from her mother, and I support her in her decision. But please don't treat the mentally ill as expendable. Stigma is damaging and dehumanizing and generates shame, and some of your readers' comments indicate that it is still very much alive. I value my life, I believe I make a significant contribution, and I don't appreciate being treated like a write-off.

My mother is Paranoid Schizophrenic. What I have to say is ridiculously biased and very angry. It's been a long road for me, but I'll share what I've come up with so far.

It's all about you now. Seriously. You need to heal.

Get a support "team" - therapist, a very few close friends/family & a group (either NAMI, which I find a little too focused on the "consumer" personally, or an AA group or other group that deals specifically with abuse like survivors of incest anon. When I, in an online forum, asked for assistance that was non "nami" someone suggested that I try an AA type group, at first I was like No Way, but I've found it to be a valuable place to share and gain knowledge - and to see people coming through the other side of bad things.

I've read loads of books on schizophrenia; it's good to keep your knowledge base up to date, but honestly my fav is Alan Alda's "Never Have Your Dog Stuffed..." He's a great read, and though he doesn't get into it, it's all about it in the end.

You can't save her, and what's more is paranoia aside, there are windows of comprehension, she could have and should have stayed on meds. They never do of course, because they seem to prefer being ill to the drugs, but there are all kinds of new meds. If she had patience she would have tried harder, but she didn't, did she? She chose chaos over you. She abandoned you. And you know what, mental illness doesn't excuse that. There are responsible mentally ill people out there, protecting their families and holding jobs. Oh, but it's schizophrenia, which is REALLY CRAZY - right, heard that one a thousand times yet? I'm sick of hearing how it's not their fault and I as a daughter need to find compassion. Personally I'll find some damn compassion when my mother choses to get help.

In my case, my mother had been diagnosed before I was born, but everyone chose to look the other way and step out the door while I was abused by a psychopath who believed I was possessed by demons amoung other delusions. I didn't even know what her diagnosis was until a few short years ago. She doesn't have my number. You do what you need to to live your life, you know?

I wish you luck in your journey LW. If your family can help each other heal that might be something. I imagine it's a mix of those in denial, the she's your mother group, and the I'm not talking to any of you ever again because your all crazy people. I say don't give up on em all. There's bound to be people who want to get on the other side of this. Everyone else gets on the holiday card contact list, if you know what I mean.

I feel like when someone is ill like our mothers are, we have to morn and grieve because they are lost. A friend who's mom has Alzheimers was able to understand me more than other people...there will be people who understand, and won't try to tell you what you should do to help her. Your life doesn't need to be all about her.

You will be ok.