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• Thursday, November 2, 2006 10:32 AM

  Take of one another

  Dear LW,

  Your letter brought me to tears. I went through a similar experience with my own mother, in my late 20s, and the pain of it is often still with me.

  My mother was admitted against her will into a psychiatric hospital for three weeks after she was found inside her house with all the windows barricaded; sleeping on the floor next to a canister of gasoline (she was a smoker) and a copy of the suicide manual "Final Exit." The walls had been written on; she was delusional and paranoid. I've never experienced anything more heart-breaking or frightening than her state of mind. It was completely impossible to reason with her. This was a woman who had single-handedly raised two children and managed a successful career, with lots of friends and accomplishments, suddenly reduced to raving lunacy. I remember one of the nurses asking me, "Why are you crying? She's not." Well, I thought (and still do), ....because I'm not completely crazy?

  Here's my take on personal responsibility, the bitter fruit of experience -- you have to live with yourself. This is your mother, not some unfortunate soul on a street corner you can give some spare change and a sandwich to and just go on with your life. There's no escape, only tough choices.

  Whatever you are feeling, what your mother is going through is at least as devastating. She is not doing the things she is doing intentionally. She cannot help herself. It's not an excuse or manipulative behavior. You have to protect yourself, get help and support, but I am fairly certain that you will regret it if you don't find a way to reach out to her, to whatever degree you are able.

  I would strongly urge you to find a very good therapist to help you through this, in addition to the support groups and NAMI. You need someone with whom to talk about all that you are thinking and feeling, without having to censor anything. The emotions around this are strong, complicated and often conflicting.

  You are blessed in that you have your father, who sounds like an amazing soul, and your sister to get through this with together. Support each other in whatever way you can. Everyone has their own ways of coping, but you all share a love and a common desire to help your mother as much as possible, as much as she will allow. Talk it over and agree to give one another the space for that. Your mother needs all of you, even as she pushes you away, and you all need each other.

  The last time I heard from my own mother was on my answering machine. The only thing she said was her own name inserted into the operator's "Will you accept a collect call from ________?" I got the message very late, after a long Passover dinner and interminable ride home. I had a headache, I was tired. I'll call tomorrow, I thought. Can't deal right now. But by morning my mother had killed herself.

  I will never be able to do that differently. I will always, always, always wish I could, even though I know the result might well have been the same.

  My heart truly goes out to you and your family. Take of one another.

  —Anonymous
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