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Boy did reading that pick off a whole lot of scabs. My parents met in seventh grade and got married shortly before he left for WWII in the Army Air Corp. They had my brother and sister in 46 and 48, respectively. A child died at 5 days from a congenital heart defect, and my mother had her first pyschotic episode.
I was born in 1959, so the wheels had already come off mom's cart.
My dad had his first heart attack in 1961 and died of one in 1967.
My mother was in and out of institutions up through about 1974 when a new intern came to town and introduced my mother to the wonders of lithium.
And she's decide she didn't need it and relapse. She did that about 4 times before realizing it was necessary to stay on it.
That bought about 1o to 15 reasonable years til she hit the geriatric leg of the journey when she'd forget to take the meds accidentally and then spiral into a pyschotic episode.
Once I got her in a nursing home, I stopped seeing her. I was sick of her shit, accidental though it may have been, and I did not want my young kids exposed to her pyschotic outburts. I wanted to break the cycle.
My sister was not at all pleased with me for it.
Anyway, that's my story in a nut shell. My advice to you?
1. Cut your father as much slack as possible. My mother pretty much helped kill off my father. A funny story is that same GP who introduced lithium to my mom is my GP today. He was checking my heart about 5 years ago with the scope and he knit his eyebrows. I asked what it was and reminded him my dad died at the age of 45. He asked if he'd been under a lot of stress, and I said, "Well, he was married to my mother." Knowing my mother he quickly went, "Oh, riigghhhtt. Well you shouldn't have any problem then."
My father used to stay up late playing the piano. When particularly rattled by my mother, we'd find him playing Nat King Cole's "Smile" over and over again. Get the lyrics. Get the song. You want better than that for your father.
2. Tell your sister to shut the fuck up. You cannot be direct enough here. She has to stop moralizing to you and to your father. The relationships between my older siblings blew up over what to do about mother, too. I got stuck in the fucking middle, and ultimately had to tell my sister to fuck off to get her off my back as well. It's the beauty of mental illness in the family. You all have to cope, you all love the woman. Don't expect it to get better. About the best I can convey is to simply hit her hard the next time she seeks to judge you on this one. Lay it out there. She has two choices. Respect your decision and remain a part of your life or continue seeking to tell you how to interact with your mother and therefore ruin your relationship, too. She can't tell you how to deal with this. It sucks for all parties involved and each will have their own coping mechanism. She sounds like she wants to play the martyr, don't get sucked into her passive aggressive sympathy party. She either respects your rights here, or cut off contact. You don't need the bullshit from her.
3. Good luck. The pain of dealing with this will not end until she is in the grave. You seem to have a healthy outlook, though. You realize it is not her fault, but you also realize it's just not fun to endure. You may want to consider a simple letter laying that out to your mother. Her illness causes pain. If she won't make the effort to minimize the pain she inflicts on others when sick by seeking help, then you are not going to make the effort to put yourself in the position to be the target. Real simple.
