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LW, Cary has pointed you in some good directions. It does sound as if you need a bit of respite care, however. Finding an afternoon alone and outside the 'thereness' of your mom's illness is essential.
My daughter and I are now 3 years into her being properly diagnosed. I suppose it is a measure of progress that sometimes I forget she is mentally ill when I'm dealing with her then boom! it all goes to heck in a handbasket for a few minutes as I ask myself: what happened? Ohhh yeah...I forgot for a moment that I am *always* dealing with someone carrying an impaired mental load. I liked the idea of the ritual of burying your hopes and dreams of the mother you'd like to have back, but I think we have to move into that by stages, especially when they are still here among us.
So what have I learned as I approach step 10:
1) everyone appreciates structure [not always willingly or politely] so the boundaries are there and repeated as often as they need be.
2) Also I'm careful to make the distinction between life decisions (e.g. those choices she makes because that is who she is and would make even if she were not mentally ill) and decisions driven by her illness. This is not always easy and as she has improved and her life has become more complex, we often have to do it together. I expect it will be an ongoing thing.
3) She has a sister too who loves her and who is struggling to come to terms with this. I am 64 and working to set up an environment so I don't have to worry about Daughter #1 winding up under a bridge, but that requires Daughter #2 helping with being trustee of the account when I'm gone etc. A good lawyer will know the trust laws of your state and can help you with it. It brings enormous peace of mind. As for her sister, though, it has taken 3 years to get to this point. Some days we take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. They are able to visit independently of having me along now and are rediscovering one another so for that I am grateful. They will need one another's strength when I am no longer around. The writer who noted the importance of siblings as those with whom you have shared the same childhood, same experiences is invaluable if for no other reason that to discover the different ways you interpreted the same events.
4) We don't get to chose the hand we are dealt and as another writer said: it's life....not more complicated and every bit as complicated as that. Do take as good care of yourself as you can and expect you will have your own 'mental health days' and luxuriate in them when you do. They will not come often enough but eventually you will find a balance.
