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• Tuesday, November 7, 2006 07:22 AM

  Thank you for sharing

  I also have a mentally ill paranoid mother with delusions and sometimes hallucinations. As the only child living close by, I sometimes distance myself from her for protection and for healing. The NAMI course helped me a lot. For the first time, I realized that my mother had been ill off and on her whole life and the course helped me come to grips with my childhood and with forgiveness. Still, I take breaks from her whenever I feel overwhelmed or too hurt. I practice mindfulness (meditation and yoga) to achieve a better sense of peace and to remain present with my own children and husband. You are entitled to take care of yourself.

  My brothers try to help, but busy with their own families, careers, and problems, they are sometimes insensitive to the situation.They also feel guilty and they feel helpless at times as well. And they live far away. Perhaps, the real issue for your sister is her own sense of helplessness, guilt, and being overwhelmed with the problem and perhaps believing that the whole family has left her holding the "bag". Only she can tell you what the experience is like for her. She has no right to blame you for your decisions, but her feelings and anger are understandable to me.

  Maybe if you both took the NAMI course she could learn that these reactions are normal and that all families end up with different members at different stages of reaction, frequently causing disharmony. The blame game is not very productive and you are well within your rights to seek distance. I now try to have at least some communication with my brothers when my mother is NOT the focus of our discussion - so that we can begin to have a bit of relationship that does not completely revolve around her. This takes effort and all parties have to agree to it.

  I am grateful for your sharing. It helps to know we are not alone and that every single one of us needs to withdraw in order to heal and in order to gain strength. Maybe what your sister really needs is permission to have her own time for healing, for forgiveness, and hey - for some completely guilt-free fun!! If you can drag her off for an ice cream, or a funny movie, or a swim in at the local pool, then maybe she will get the point.

  By the way, my only sister died of cancer about 8 years ago. I now savour every minute of fun we shared together. I hope you and your sister will build some happy memories in your moments together.

  —a friend
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