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• Thursday, November 2, 2006 04:49 PM

  Realistic Expectations

  This is one of the most heartreaking situations I can imagine, only I don't have

  to imagine it because I have lived it and written a book and articles about it. The author's story is painfully familiar.

  I'd like to offer a few bits of knowledge I've gained over the years that I hope

  will prove useful and offer some small solace.

  It is OK to take care of yourself first. You cannot help her or anyone unless

  you yourself are healthy and strong. Then you can help others. Someone once told me you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you

  And caring for someone with chronic untreated mental illness has the capacity to

  level even the hardiest among us.

  Your mom does not want help. This is because she she has schizophrenia, which

  very often cruelly robs the sufferer of insight. Read Xavier Amador's book I'm

  Not Sick, I don't Need Help for some insight in to this very common experience.

  This may help explain a lot.

  Keep your expectations of your mom and her situation realistic and sometimes low. Progress with these illnesses, esp when the sufferer is

  not participating in their treatment, is poor. Giving up

  the fantasy of getting back the mother you once knew is very hard but necessary.

  Check out groups like NAMI and read Suriving Schizophrenia by E. Fuller Torrey.

  Also Growing Up with a Schizophrenic Mother, which is a book of case studies.

  Family to Family groups are great. However, do realize that your situation a daughter will be very different from those of parents of mentally ill children. Try to find support in others that have mentally ill parents.

  Find many other interests. Go for walks, study botany,

  read Milton. Wanting to save your mother is admirable,

  but you will do well to lead a balanced life. There's a lovely world out there

  still, full of wonder and joy,

  despite the pall this illness has cast over your life.

  Seek out that wonder and joy. It is sustaining.

  And, lastly, know that though there will always be people that think you should

  take in your mother and do all you can to save her etc., that there are many

  others that understand that this situation on a day to day basis is something

  that requires the skill of smart, dedicated professionals.It's OK for you and

  your family to go on with your lives

  and not give everything over to an illness that, untreated,

  has the capacity to consume not only your mother, but you, your father, and your

  sister as well.

  The shame and stigma that surrounds schizophrenia still

  abounds, as you can see from your experience and so many

  letter writers that have written. Too many of us want to blame someone,even

  the sufferer for getting this wretched disease. But it as futile as blaming

  someone for getting Alzheimer's.

  With treatment it is perhaps possible your mom can improve. How much is unclear. I hope enough for her to live a life where she can help care for herself and where you can still bring joy to one another. Even if she never "gets better" as you envision it, this sort of loving exhange may be possible at some point.

  Maybe she will decide to comply. Maybe there is some chance of involuntary

  commitment. ( www.treatmentadvocacy.org )can provide some information

  about options.

  Good luck to your family and your mom.

  Virginia Holman

  —virginia holman
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