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• Thursday, November 2, 2006 07:59 AM

  Even in Illness there is Personal Responsibility

  This is a snapshot of my life, only the sick one is my wife, now ex-wife, and the illness is Bi-Polar. I spent 11 years with a woman who I still consider beautiful and wonderful and full of potential, but at a certain point I could no longer take the accusations of abuse, the denial of prognosis, the skip of meds, the suicide attempts, all of which were blamed on me. When blaming me didn't work, the illness was blamed. When I spoke of marriage and family needing to consist of 2 people making contributions and supporting each other, I was accussed of selfishness. I was physically attacked and blamed for this. Beyond that I was accussed of physical abuse that never took place. My wife slowly turned me into someone I didn't recognize. I watched savings of tens of thousands of dollars disappear and saw credit card debt of tens of thousands of dollars slowly and insidiously slither its way into our lives. eBay became a midnight excursion. I couldn't keep track of where the money was going. All the while, I was accussed of being controlling, domineering, and dogmatic. I bent over backwards to accommodate her desires. Kept the credit cards open, continued to let her have open reign with the checking and savings accounts....

  I slowly began to realize that my wife did not want to get well, she was afraid of what that would mean. Afraid of not being able to blame something or someone in her life for all of the disappointments and failures. Yes, I took a vow , it said in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer. But I did not vow to stay in a marriage of abuse, both physical and emotional and I didn't take a vow to watch the one I love refuse to heal. The ill still have personal responsibility. They are responsible to take their meds, maintain their regiment of exercise and omega 3s, get proper sleep, eat well. Sometimes they can do all of this, sometimes just taking the meds is almost an impossible feat. No one said it was easy, but it is necessary for one's self and for one's love ones. My wife didn't think her health was her responsibility and she was afraid to heal. I left, but I will always love her and will always know what great things she is capable of accomplishing in this life.

  There is no guilt, only sadness and in the darkest of hours a small glimmer of hope.

  —Anonymous
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