I believe that "honey", when used in the context of a lovingly written, carefully thought out response to a question asked by a young woman to an advice columnist, is not only perfectly acceptable, it is downright touching.

Is this the opinion of a male or female?

Who cares.

aside to Laurel- what is "squicky"?

I too moved back home to be with my dying father in a town I deeply resented. After he died, I slept in his bed, in his sheets, for three weeks. I stayed in that town in that house for close to eight months - mostly as a recluse - because I didn't want to get caught up or identified with the town or the people. Near the end of this time, I woke up one morning and decided I needed to be near the water. I woke up the next morning and decided I would buy a boat to live on. Within a month I packed up my stuff and a large land lubbing cat and moved onto a magical, two story, cedar shingled houseboat on a river near the sea. I got a pretty good job, and developed an extended family of quirky and wonderful friends. But because of that move, I lost a fantastic opportunity to work in an industry that would have given me artistic and financial freedom. After 20 years, I do sometimes wonder where I would be today had I not chosen to flee the land of steady habits to live on a boat. On the other hand, I don't think I would ever trade my experiences of living aboard, nor could I imagine life without the friends and lovers (and lovers who are still friends)that life afloat brought to me. I think you should sit tight for a while, and let the grieving process wash over you. Keep your options open and listen to your heart. It will tell you where to go and when to go. When it calls, listen to it.

Dear Exhausted,

My unsolicited advice, for what it's worth, would be to take it slow, but don't come to a full stop, lest grief become depression.

You're really juggling three major life transitions -- losing a beloved parent, embarking on a career, and beginning a serious relationship. I see these roughly as dealing respectively with the past, present, and future.

You will grieve as you honor the loss of your father. There is no way around this. But it's okay to do other things, too. You're among the living. You don't have to sit on the porch or put the rest of your life on hold to sort out your new place in the world.

When my mother died, it took quite a while for me to feel grounded again. It was helpful to throw myself into my work. I'm fairly in tune with my masculine side in that way, I suppose, even though I'm female. Everyone is different. Just because you're moving on doesn't mean you'll be numb to your feelings or repressing them. Frankly, if I'd been in your situation, I would feel just as stuck. Fighting the sense of paralysis and claustrophobia would make me world weary.

Begin rekindling some of your interests in life and reconnecting with friends. You'll only find what's next by exploring your options and dreams. Allow yourself to get excited about doing something again. It's energizing. (So is exercise.)

Losing a parent can make one feel a little adrift in the world. You might find it useful to have a mentor or two. Locate people in your field(s) of interest who might be willing to share their experiences, contacts with you. The internet and email have made it possible to connect with faraway people and places with relative ease. Explore where you might want to live, job markets and graduate schools. Get in touch with people who are doing things that appeal to you. Check out Yale's alumni resources and relevant professional organizations. Dream. Plan.

I spent my 20s/early 30s working in jobs that required a good deal of domestic and international travel. I also lived and worked abroad. These experiences stretched me personally and professionally. I've never regretted any of it. It's not something you can do as easily later on.

No one else can say what your relationship is destined for. But you won't fall of the globe if you go beyond the horizon line. Don't believe that adventure and security, or love and independence, are mutually exclusive. There are ways to make it work without having to give up your identity or your dreams, if it's still what you want when you figure out where you want to be.

Best wishes and sincere condolences.

It's funny how much our lives are determined by the momentum of everyday life, friends, dreams, serendipity, the enthusiasms of others ...

I would recommend that you reconnect and return to "your" life as you feel able ... sooner rather than later ... Aside from your doctor friend, your own life is not in that town anymore ... your doctor friend chose to settle and practice there for his own reasons ... his life (for now anyway) is there. Likely you were a breath of fresh air to that small town (though a single physician is usually socially "in demand"); however, it is likely your relationship is "predicated" on the assumption you will leave and it may change significantly if you hang around.

Due to a number of circumstances (financial primarily, my family had no money for my education and I had no job skills and had left home at 16), I ended up "going back home" after being out in the world for several years. In the following years, I lost track of most of my friends and acquaintances as I put on the yoke of work and school. My school and work never afforded anything close to the same sort of creative or adventurous friends. When I occasionally reconnected with old friends, it was painful for me -- they were doing such interesting things and while I excelled at work and school, I felt acutely how much I had missed. You are at an age when things and people move fast and things happen. I vote for returning to your youthful "cohort" unless you have discovered a wonderful CIRCLE of friends and acquaintances in addition to your (shelter in the storm) physician ...

Your letter sounds almost as if you wonder if you'll ever get a better marital prospect ... don't let those worries keep you stuck in "nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there" land.

Where do you want to be in five years and what do you want to be doing?