on the travails of being single in this world . . .

from april 2006, "i love to love but i hate to date," a wonderful topic and a response in which cary states, "you need not seek treatment for a metaphor."

and from february 2006, the woman who wouldn't let her friend come over during the blackout because she wanted to stay in bed with her lover . . . although i didn't care for either the LW or the friend (as portrayed by her) she refused, one of the reader's responses really moved me. she talked about how the letter is a reflection of how coupled people treat their single friends and she was right on . . . i bookmarked that response and read it every now and then when i feel abandoned by all the coupled people around me, left to stew in my own loneliness and "understand":

This letter made me sad

Not because the friend's plight was really so tragic, but because the letter was an accurate representation of how most coupled people treat their single friends. I think Cary hit it on the head when he observed, "There you are, you're warm, you're with your lover, and this friend is far away, alone in the cold."

There is no easy solution to situations like this -- single people feel hurt when they are abandoned by coupled friends, made worse by their own state of lonely singledom. And coupled people understandably want to enjoy the happiness that they have found, to spend time alone with their lovers.

It's a fact of life that when friends couple off, they cease to be there for single friends like they once were. They no longer need the late night talks, the hugs, or the mutual support, because they get those things from their partner. Then the single person, who still needs those things, is expected to "understand" that their friends no longer have time for them.

It's hard to be single. It makes your friendships more important than ever, because your needs for intimacy won't be met in any other way. And it's hard to be reminded that you've lost that closeness with some friends because they've found love and happiness, and you haven't.

well said, sister.

To the poster below who took offense at Cary's "dirty talk."

I am so happy that the Salon editors did not waste their time dignifying your silly complaint with a response. Hopefully that taught you a lesson.

In the real world, people who are very sensitive or easily offended do not write letters to Salon spewing their private sex fantasies. They save that for private therapy/counselings/talks with close friends, whatever.

Cary's response was highly entertaining. And that is what his column is entertainment for the thinking crowd.

And as for your discomfort with the high-school cheerleader riff, please. Just read the slut-o-ween piece. Adults wear this as a sexy Halloween costume. This has been standard-issue mainstream fantasy fodder since... like forever!

You certainly can't please all the people. But I hope that those of us with a sense of humor aren't beaten down and bullied by the oversensitive crowd!

2-4-6-8- who do we appreciate...CARY-CARY-CARY!!

[twirls, shakes pompoms suggestively, and sinks into splits]

I haw-haw all the time. Love to laugh. Just don't like pornish visions of young girls, and didn't expect it from Cary.

I didn't want the intrusive vision of him shouting this stuff while red in the face and sweating...

And yup, I was distressed by the fixation on juvenile girls. I don't care if it's a frequent porn theme, (since when is ubiquitous the definition of acceptable?).

I don't accept it. It degrades girls as the whole culture does rampantly, and I have a daughter. Enough said. You either get it or you don't.

So I protest. Nothing else I can do.

"If you fail the exam, or if you pass the exam, there's still a universal exam held every day, for which you study all the time. Every time you drop your coins on the sidewalk or get turned down for a job or somebody cuts you off on the road, you're taking the universe's pop quiz on minor adversity. And every now and then there's the big exam on the subject of getting the one thing in life you really want; and again, whether you get what you want or don't get you want, what you do about it is still the test that matters.

"Here's another quick thought: The important thing is not how you distinguish yourself, whatever reputation you achieve for yourself, but whether you're able to do any good in the world. It doesn't matter what people think of you and your achievements. What matters is whether you are actually useful to anyone else. It sounds as though you have equipped yourself, through your educational efforts, to make yourself supremely useful in the world, regardless of whether you pass the licensing exams."

April 7, 2007

Help! I'm avoiding and hiding again!

I get into these states where I just can't do anything and stuff starts to fall apart.

By Cary Tennis

I want to know if LW did something about it. How and What?

Thank you!

"Lone Cow" -- I think someone already mentioned this one. I still read this letter from time to time because the answer was so good. [about the grad student who wanted a deep & meaningful relationship but couldn't find one]

"Mrs. Heartbroken" -- the lady whose husband wouldn't have sex with her. I still read this one from time to time as well since it really resonated with me.

"Getting too used to the word 'Spinster'" -- excellent & nonjudgmental response to a question about meeting the right person.

Secondary favorites:

--the one from the woman who feared being asexual. Great, great response.

--"Wits' End" - the lady who feared her musician husband was going to leave her. Another terrific response.

--"In between a relative & a hard place" -- was going through a similar situation at the time of this letter which helped me personally.

I am so happy that the Salon editors did not waste their time dignifying your silly complaint with a response. Hopefully that taught you a lesson.

Yeah, it did. It taught me that they don't give a flying monkey fuck how I feel. So I didn't renew my Premium subscription.

I guess they showed me.