I don't think there was a letter with that column, but the one you wrote about the "Runaway Bride" (her of the bug-eyes) NEEDS to go in the book.

I especially liked wasting my work day responding repeatedly about the letter from the houseguest in Africa...there was some money missing, and the question was was the host responsible?

The letter was delightfully vague (and had an appealing intercontinental flair), but that lead to all sorts of responses, most of which revealed the author's attitudes toward race/class/ugly Americanism...just a whole range of issues.

I had a lot of fun with that letter.

...MUST be in the book. That letter - even heavily edited - was so good many readers asked/suggested/begged that she write her own book.

The African houseguest was unintentionally hilarious and should be included.

The talking-dirty answer that included unsolicited dirty talk by Cary (which she hadn't asked for, she'd asked what she could do to get her HUSBAND to talk dirty to her) to a woman he'd never met, and sexual references to a 'high-school cheerleader' is still so incredibly creepy after all this time and I wouldn't buy a book that included it. I even wrote the editors at the time complaining about that particular piece of inappropriate creepiness. The silence in response only reinforced my growing belief, due to poor articles, misspellings and misuse of words, and sloppy fact-checking, that Salon only has one editor anymore - Joan Walsh - and she is too busy appearing on tv to edit.

I hope someone can help me locate this column.... Anyone remember it? I think the letter writer was a well-intentioned friend. You know, it was something along the lines of 'My female friend has got herself involved with a no good guy who says he is in a rock band but he is probably lying'.

I can't recall all the details but I enjoyed Cary's response.... One suggestion was to authenticate the guitar playing by locating the associated musical instrument.

Jen

HI, it's me, Cary. The story you're looking for, I think, is this one:

http://dir.salon.com/story/sex/col/tenn/2003/07/31/sya_thur/index.html

Let me let you in on a little tip: When I'm looking for my own stories, I use Google. For this one I typed in site:salon.com Cary Tennis band bass player (I remembered it was a bass player).

It's the site:salon.com Cary Tennis that clues it in. It finds things pretty good, that Google does!

cheers

I can't find the letter; but I believe it was from this year. It's the one where a guy writes to say that he's American and his girlfriend isn't. He wants advice on how to convince her family to accept him, or her to ignore them. In your response, you suggested he consider how much a threat he must be to their way of life and understanding of the world.

Although his letter seemed fairly typical, your response stood out because I seldom see columnists recommend paying attention to any world view that contradicts the individualist romantic notions of love that are prevalent here in the United States unless that attention is from a distant, anthropological standpoint. Even among writers who routinely embrace views on politics and non-romantic social encounters that are atypical of Americans, few ever shift from, "You're in love. Go for it," when extended family and cultural differences provide a barrier. It was good to see a response that was not unduly pessimistic about the relationship's potential, yet gave a realistic assessment of how different from him his potential in-laws are likely to remain.

"I wake to sleep and take the waking slow

I learn by going where I have to go"

(sorry if some words are wrong, this is from memory)

Also, how about this idea: make this book also available online. Even though all the letters are online, it would be nice to have a directory that is the same as the book. Of course, then people would have much less incentive to buy the book...

that couplet is quoted from

a poem by theodore roethke, 'the waking,'

from his book words for the wind

I forgot it was roethke and not yeats.

just wanted to add that one thing in which the online version may be superior to the book is that online has links leading to other things that greatly augment the response. It would be nice to include them in the book (even though you can't click on them)

on the travails of being single in this world . . .

from april 2006, "i love to love but i hate to date," a wonderful topic and a response in which cary states, "you need not seek treatment for a metaphor."

and from february 2006, the woman who wouldn't let her friend come over during the blackout because she wanted to stay in bed with her lover . . . although i didn't care for either the LW or the friend (as portrayed by her) she refused, one of the reader's responses really moved me. she talked about how the letter is a reflection of how coupled people treat their single friends and she was right on . . . i bookmarked that response and read it every now and then when i feel abandoned by all the coupled people around me, left to stew in my own loneliness and "understand":

This letter made me sad

Not because the friend's plight was really so tragic, but because the letter was an accurate representation of how most coupled people treat their single friends. I think Cary hit it on the head when he observed, "There you are, you're warm, you're with your lover, and this friend is far away, alone in the cold."

There is no easy solution to situations like this -- single people feel hurt when they are abandoned by coupled friends, made worse by their own state of lonely singledom. And coupled people understandably want to enjoy the happiness that they have found, to spend time alone with their lovers.

It's a fact of life that when friends couple off, they cease to be there for single friends like they once were. They no longer need the late night talks, the hugs, or the mutual support, because they get those things from their partner. Then the single person, who still needs those things, is expected to "understand" that their friends no longer have time for them.

It's hard to be single. It makes your friendships more important than ever, because your needs for intimacy won't be met in any other way. And it's hard to be reminded that you've lost that closeness with some friends because they've found love and happiness, and you haven't.

well said, sister.