Letters to the Editor
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And if you can't tip the balance using Cary's advice
the only rational thing to do is flip a coin.
But come up with a better reason than that when you make your excuses.
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Or . . .
If you have a sense of who is less far along in the planning / less committed to the date / wants you in the wedding party more . . . tell them you've already committed to a a different wedding so you just can't. Maybe they'll change the date.
Or be really evil and ask them to bid on your attendance. Temper you evil by saying you'll donate that amount to a charity.
I am a manipulitive person. I have offered no constuctive suggestions (unlike Cary who had a great answer). People may now write mean letters about me.
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I mean, seriously
LW, you really needed Cary's help on this? What are you, twelve? I mean, there are so many problems out there that could use the help this forum brings because not only does Cary answer, but so do the hundreds of readers that post in this space when it's a hot topic. This letter is fricking ridiculous. Toss a coin or don't. Lie to one of them. Who cares. I have an idea. Don't go to either and spend the weekend volunteering at a homeless or women's shelter. Maybe you can see what real problems are.
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Sadly...
...missing a wedding you are invited to always seems to leave a bad taste in the betrothed couple's mouth, regardless of how genuine your reason is.
My wife and I had to bow out of a casual friend's wedding to attend -- are you sitting down -- my father's funeral. You guessed it, they've never forgiven us. Neither have our mutual friends. No loss to lose "friends" like that, of course, but a shocker just the same.
The LW is in a pickle. I hate to admit it, but the best course of action might be to decide who you can least afford to piss off.
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Find Another Way to Celebrate
Perhaps you can make it up to the bride whose wedding you don't attend by hosting the bridal shower or bachelorette party. If you'd like to continue your friendships beyond the wedding, you will have to disappoint the bride most likely to take it in stride. But from my experience, I fully expect the bride who didn't receive the benefit of LW's slavish devotion/admiration/attention/whatever at her wedding will likely be upset, regardless of what LW offers to make up for it.
The LW's dilemma evokes my own question about the hoopla surrounding weddings: how do these ceremonies end up being about who can prove their love and support for the bride and groom? It's often not only the bride who has these expectations that brides be treated as royalty and bridesmaids their subjects. This attitude seems to be shared by brides' moms and other bridesmaids. As a perennial bridesmaid, I have been taken to task by a fellow bridesmaid for not being enthusiastic enough about the bridal shower, received backhanded remarks from a brides' mother after I was unable to plan or attend the bridal shower taking place in another state (I was too broke to fly), and received snide remarks from a bride who didn't receive a wedding gift from me (I mistakenly thought that attending and giving gifts for the engagement party and spending hundreds of dollars on dress, shoes, and travel to be a bridesmaid in her wedding were enough-- who knew?).
The whole setup is psychotic.
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Glad this was brought up, myself.
I really alienated two important friends by missing their (separate) weddings. In both cases finances played a big role in the decision, but they both also happened around a time when I was going through a lot of personal problems. I loved them both and tried to close the gap that had developed, but people have a real psychological issue with their weddings (it doesn't work the opposite way, I've found; being present does not put you permanently in a couple's good favor or seal a bond for life).
But to be honest, I just don't have a major feeling for "events." I find them uncomfortable and rarely enjoyable, even when they involve people I otherwise have a great time with. Weddings and similar functions are simply too contrived and artificial, too bound by the conventions involved, for the spontaneous interplay that makes socilalizing fun. It's hard for me to understand that anyone has a really good time at these things, so I can't understand why anyone gives a damn if you're there or not. If you introduced them or something, maybe, but that's about it. In fact, every wedding I've been to, the bride or groom will go by various tables telling their close friends how sorry they are that they can't really relax and hang out but there are too many duties to attend. So why the big drama when someone doesn't make it? In my case, I'm really not sorry I missed either wedding. I'm just sorry I alienated people who were important to me.
My guess is you will seriously offend the couple whose wedding you miss, and I'm sorry. I get that you love both and wish them every happiness. Hope it turns out we're all wrong, and the couple is open-minded. Mainly I hope people planning weddings, or holding grudges against close friends who didn't attend their weddings, might read your letter and the responses and consider the effects of their decisions.
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Yup
Yup, it sucks.
I had this problem once - one wedding in Chicago on Saturday, the other in Baltimore on Sunday. I went to both (courtesy of Southwest), but really didn't enjoy the Chicago wedding much. I was closer to the Baltimore couple, and more of my friends would be there. So went to Balto first, spending time with friends there on Friday night, left desperately early on Saturday morning for Chicago, slept on the plane and in my hotel room Saturday afternoon, went to the wedding and stayed up until 4, slept in my hotel room another hour, flew back to Balto Sunday morning, napped once more, then attended Balto wedding. I pulled it off, but it was a lot of work.
Conversely, a good friend of mine was asked to be in two weddings on the same day. SInce he couldn't pull my trick, he had to choose one. Though one couple asked him first, he decided based on which wedding party and couple "needed" him more, ie, which wedding would havea bigger hole because of his absence? So he chose the second wedding (though he did come to the first for some of the pre-wedding festivites in the days leading up to it).
Tough choice. Good luck.