Letters to the Editor
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Cary is right on this one
the bottom line is, she's over 80. Your anger may be legitimate, but to lay everything on her now would devastate her and ruin the years that she has left, particularly if she suffers from anxiety in the manner described. Whatever her failings, let her continue to treasure a relationship with she has daughter who she gets on great with.
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What might have been
I am among the people who have made enormous life changes at their own expense to benefit their parents. In my case, among the deeds was moving across country and living for years in a place I don't particularly enjoy to meet their needs. I have friends who have made similar sacrifices. I don't think any of us has ever received gratitude from our parents that seems equal to the price we have paid. From my own and my friends' experiences, I have several observations.
1. No matter how old children get, many parents are unable to view us as other than extensions of themselves. It's hard, therefore, for them to perceive sacrifice since it seems to them that we have made these choices to benefit OURSELVES because, after all, we are them and they are us. (I know that sounds weird; I can't find any other words to describe the phenomenon.)
2. Those of us who are middle-aged have parents who, due to the way they were raised, are unlikely to imagine having the choices we have had. For instance, they can't picture that we could have given up moving to a beautiful home in New Mexico for their benefit. They can't even imagine anyone wanting to live in New Mexico, let alone actually moving there. In their mind's eye they can't SEE what we have sacrificed.
3. If they actually DID acknowledge to themselves that they have taken such advantage of another person in this selfish way, let alone someone they love, they would be overcome with guilt. So to ignore that unpleasant feeling, they find ways to overlook or deny their self-centeredness.
Are those things wrong? Of course. Would we like our generosity to be acknowledged? Of course. Is it likely to happen? Not in my experience.
LW COULD confront her mother. It would certainly provide an outlet for pent-up feelings and I suspect her significant other is promoting this so she'll quit complaining to him. I'm trying to imagine how a confrontation would play out, as I've never chosen to do it myself. The mother could simply refuse to understand. She could become overcome with feelings of regret and/or sadness. She could attempt to make it up to the daughter. But how? Apologies? Promises to do better in the future? Money changing hands? Would any of those results provide a solution, let alone erase the pain LW has already suffered?
I have had one of my ungrateful parents pass away. I said good-bye in the full knowledge I did my best by him and that helped me with my sadness. Mother is still with me and is quite creative in her ability to spin stories that make her the heroine of her narrative. I could dispute those stories, but what good would it do? The people who matter most to me in the world -- my friends, my siblings, my close colleagues -- recognize that I improved life for my parents. I have received acknowledgement and admiration from them. To me, that's dearer than any quid pro quo I could extract from people who didn't offer it willingly.
And when I have the dark moments where I berate myself for what "I should have done for myself," I think: how do I know those things would have worked out the way I imagined? I flirted once with the idea of moving to New Orleans. Picture that.
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I loved Cary's answer here
The part I especially loved was the idea that she is nothing more than a mirror now. It's true. All those experiences that pained you are in the past, and they can't be fixed by confrontations in the present. Since it can't be fixed, one can only go forward. There are things that are injust--disease, and war, and other things. Once they are over, there is no point. The thing is, if you hurt your mother now when she is in her 80s, and she dies, you could wound yourself in a way you may never recover from, a way that could undo all the good you did for her all your life. She literally could drop dead at any moment now. She must have done something right, too, since you love her so much and indeed seem to have such a loving spirit
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Good answer, Cary (and other posters)
I've had to deal with similar feelings about my mother, also now in her 80s. One thing that helps (once I got past the initial slow-burn of anger) is not to have any expectations about her. She is who she is: self-absorbed, funny, intelligent, oblivious to my feelings. When I do put expectations around her, even simple ones, she cannot live up to them. Why then do I keep her in my life? Because she is my mom, I love her for the good in her and we can do fine for 2 hours at a time (about the length of our usual, few-times-a-year visits).
That said, I am very grateful to have known, albeit too briefly, what a real mom can be like. In many ways, my late stepmother was more of a mom to me than my biological mother.
I hope the LW finds peace for herself. It may take time, but it is indeed achievable.
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give your 80-year old mother a break
It doesn't sound like she abused you or gave you bad living conditions.
More like she was crippled by her own demons, maybe severe lack of self-esteem?
You sound like you have a great relationship with her, really like being with her, don't ruin that with blaming her for her sickness. Instead, have compassion for all the suffering she's gone through. It's unfortunate that her suffering caused you suffering, but you sound pretty together like it din't really hurt you too much and you've grown and found peace.
Wonderful. Be grateful and don't blame and old woman for her illness.