Letters to the Editor
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Amen, Cary!
Amen, Cary!
I love my mother fiercely, and have sacrificed alot of myself in the interests of being a good daughter. And my mother continues to try to force me into that role.
I recognize who she is and what our relationship has been---maybe not fully yet, but more and more as time goes by.
Cary is totally right in saying that women from that generation have no frame of reference for generations that came later. They grew up in a different world, and learned ways of behaving that can't possibly apply to our own mindsets. All that you can do is love her for who she is, and be so very grateful that you don't have to repeat her life. Look into your own life, count your blessings in its differences from hers, and let the anger turn into a kind of loving acceptance---and know that if she could have lived your kind of life you might indeed have been best friends.
Sadly, my mother has no other friends. But being who she is, she was the best mother to me she could be, and she loved me the most she possibly could.
For me at least, that is really enough.
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What a beautiful letter
Thankyou Anonymous for such beautiful and heartfelt sentiments in your response to Cary's answer. I truly felt that you have a deep understanding of the complexity of the parent/child relationship, based on mutuality. The LW should find your advice invaluable.
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Furious with mother
J. writes: "I've come to recognize her fearfulness, her neediness, and how I crippled myself to try to keep her safe."
It seems to me that when "J" was young, saving mom was like saving herself because losing mom would have been more unpleasant than any effort on J's part to help mom. Understanding that J was helping her own safety net may help difuse the anger.
But I would suggest that J express her anger in a journal or series of letters (not for delivery) to mom. After a few days, re-read the letter and write a new one that fixes any statements that need fixing. Repeat the exercise until J has a good understanding of what the anger is about.
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Forgive
Mothers are not perfect. Not just yours - this applies to everyone. We, as children, tend to believe our mothers should be perfect: loving, understanding, selfless, wise, with endless patience, wanting only what's best for their children. It's hard to accept that a mother is just a woman with the same weaknesses and frailties than every other woman. But unfortunately "perfection" is not one of the hormones that are awakened by pregnancy. I think all of us mothers want to be perfect, but we have our own selves to contend with.
As non-perfect beings our relationship with our children will not be perfect. Hard as we try, most of us cannot give our children everything they need: all the attention, love, support, balance, etc. etc. So we commit mistakes. Sometimes we even lean on our children, and if they support us, it becomes easier to lean on them the next time. It's also easy to rationalize when we do it. It's not fair to the kids, but I think it's quite common.
As children, we need to accept that our mothers are not perfect, understand that they did not mean to fail us - they are just human. And then we need to forgive them. And, of course, we need to keep forgiving as the mother-daughter relationship is even harder when you are an adult.
I think what the letter writer needs to do is understand her mother better, and try to feel a little bit of compassion for her.
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Cary's letter was true grace.
Cary's answer was one of the most thoughtful expression of the complex relation between child and parent I have ever read. Therapeutic recognition, while good and wonderful, sometimes pushes us to one role of righteous indignation. And, the complexities of the situation is occluded as a result.
I also have parents like that, those that smother you with their love and did lots of things that were deeply hurtful. And, yet, after some years of being angry, I realized that to expect perfection from parents is a legacy of childhood. Growing into the complexities of adulthood means accepting the limitation of our parents as humans.
I got a lot of peace and joy when I finally realized that I was an adult now and no matter what happened in the past it is within to me to change and grow. Once I shifted the repsonsibility from my parents to my own decisions, I felt free and able to truly appreciate the sacrifices that they made to love and nurture me in their own way. Of course, that could not have been done without the help of a good therapist who guided me through all that.
In fact, I have a deep sense of the frailties of my parents that moves me.Isn't that what we do? We really make do with what we have. We do and they did too.
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welcome to middle age
If your mom is 80 that makes you ripe for a midlife crisis, and I suspect this anger is part of it. For some reason you regret things you did in your youth, opportunities lost of some kind, and you have decided that mom was the cause.
Everybody regrets their youth when it is clear that it’s over. For your 20s and maybe even your 30s you can tell yourself “I’ll get a better job in a couple of years” or “It’s almost time I quit screwing around and got married/had children/gave up drugs/saved some money/whatever but I have to do one last _____ before I do.” Then one day that argument doesn’t work and you get hit with the realization that you are MIDDLE AGED!!!
Often this manifests in self-hating, self-destructive behavior – quitting your job, crashing your car, becoming a drunk. Often it manifests in behavior or thoughts that transfer the hate and blame onto others – it’s all my wife’s fault, she’s too fat and she doesn’t understand me. Or I’m so mad at my mother, she was too fearful and needy and made me do so much for her. But getting a divorce and a trophy wife or letting your mom know how angry you are generally does not accomplish much toward the real problem. So you are right to not go have an emotional confrontation with mom (or to strangle her).
Can you articulate exactly what you think she did that had such a terrible effect on you? And then, can you figure out something you could do to reverse or ameliorate that terrible effect? If you truly love your mother, as you say you do, then cut her some slack and figure out a way to get past your disappointment. Lots of people do that all the time. We might, for instance, figure out how to come to terms with a child who’s screwed up without telling her she’s a horrid ignorant slut. Or with a husband who maybe drinks a little too much and is never going to make vice-president, without telling him he’s a failure.
Grownups recognize that life seldom works out like fairy tales, and they make their peace and make the best of the hand they’re dealt. That's the defining process of middle age, and once you accomplish it life reaches a whole new and fulfilling plateau.