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Read other letters about this article
1. Contrary to what SheRa said, drunks or alcoholics are not necessarily "assholes who like being assholes". They are people who have a sickness--like mental illness or cancer--that can impact their behavior. (And yes, as a cancer survivor and adult child of an alcoholic, I know.) That sickness, fueled by "cunning, baffling alcohol" as The AA Big Book puts it, takes over the alcoholic's mind and body. It makes decisions for the person, just as depression can for a clinically depressed person. Sure, some alcoholics happen to be jerks (drunk or sober), just as non-alcoholics can be.
2. One of the big components of alcoholism is denial. My father, who was an alcoholic, developed cirrohsis. He initially told me he had a liver problem. "Like cirrhosis?" I asked. "Yes, like that." Hello?!
3. I agree with Cary's approach. Sometimes another addict can have a greater impact on an addict than can even beloved family members. That's one reason AA works so well for so many people.
4. The decision to quit has to come from inside the LW's father. He has to want it for himself for sobriety to stick. He's got to put his recovery first, even ahead of his family. Without sobriety, he may have nothing.
5. The LW may want to seek out Ala-Anon, particularly an adult child group meeting. There, she can keep the focus on herself, learn to detach with love and begin her own recovery process as an adult child, whether her father is active or sober. She'll also learn of the Three Cs: that she did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure her father's addiction.
I wish her the best with all this.
