Get his e-mail address and break the ice over that medium. It was practically custom made for introverts.

Be aware that what can occur in a two-introvert relationship is that one introvert wants a bit of the opposite pole in his or her partner, and doesn't get it, and so sort of gets frustrated on some level and actually might act out, thereby embodying the element that doesn't really represent the person authentically, but bringing to life the dynamic the LW mentioned about a previous relationship. If you can find a way to avoid this potential problem, great. But at least go in with an awareness of the tendency.

sounds like me and my betrothed. the way i had to do it was to arrange food dates, but always somewhere that had a bar or counter where you could eat. then we didn't have to stare at each other, and conversation was optional. much time was spent looking at what was going on behind the counter, and that was good enough at the time. (as you can imagine, we ate a LOT of sushi!). eventually we got comfy enough to sit across from each other and have now been together about 10 years. And though we eventually cohabited (about 4 years into the relationship), we only just tied the knot last year!

Hi Letter Writer,

I went through something very similar to you. I am quite introverted and when I first began "going out" with my boyfriend, it felt it was more like a test of my abilities to withstand social awkwardness. I thought I was just too awkward to have any kind of relationship (I started dating as a sophomore in college, so you can imagine my level of awkwardness).

We came through the awkward phase by having things to preoccupy ourselves with when we were together so that we wouldn't have the pressure to talk - we studied a lot together, watched movies, took walks around the city with our camers, played tennis, went to concerts, visited museums. Perhaps you can try some activities that puts a damper on talking and maybe that can alleviate some of the pressure to be extroverted. I hope you work it out with your love interest =)

I have a few friends who in a face to face conversation we can barely say to words to each other, but who will open up and talk for hours if we do so over instant messaging. It doesn't have the formality of email, although that can be good as well, and can be less off putting. I even find I divulge more information over IM than I do email, face to face, etc.

I agree with the other people who suggested email and IM - as an introvert myself, I've had good luck building relationships of all kinds through these media. Another suggestion for both of you to get a blog or an online journal where you can write down all the random things you think of that are worth sharing. You know, the things you think of in the shower or something that are funny or interesting or insightful, but you can never work it into a conversation or think of it while having a conversation. It will also help you get to know each other better without being limited by the logical topic flow of a conversation.

I believe that opposites attract, and that two introverts don't work well. As an introvert, I have found that I also have a tendency to attract extroverts, but ones who are not *overly* extroverted (as I do not consider myself *overly* introverted). All of my significant friendships have followed this pattern as well. I think it's true that we look for what we lack in other people.

On the other hand, there *must* be some common ground for any relationship to work. What I've observed in my own relationships and others is that the common ground aspects are usually things like morals/values, background, religion (sometimes), and interests. Having a different personality from your S.O., and even good friends, is often a plus.

Ironically, being around a extroverted S.O. made me more talkative and him more quiet, the longer we stayed together. I would not have come to life, so to speak, had I not met him. I hope the LW realizes that being around people who are *too much* like us is not necessarily good, because it's hard to change and grow as a person when we are literally surrounded by ourselves. I guess it depends on where she is in life.

i lived with an extrovert for three years and i needed another three just to recover from the exhaustion. i'll never forget the day we arrived in nyc. it seemed like the entire neighborhood knew who he was inside of three minutes. he was that extroverted.

i guess it was nice to always have friends to hang out with and parties to go to, but it didn't take long before i just wanted to be alone. all that outgoingness can be a form of tyranny.

i ended up marrying another introvert and am very happy i did. it is always quiet in our house, i have plenty of quiet time to myself, and we only see other people when we both really want to.

i think the key for the lw is she should learn to just be comfortable in her own skin, and not feel the need to be anybody different than just who she is. her intended will pick up on this vibe, and it will take the pressure off him, too. just *be* with each other. doing, doing, doing is for extroverts.

I think a perfect first date would be to print out two copies of this brilliant manifesto, sit down quietly on a couch and read it together, and then discuss it... or not. :)

Okay, make that a modern chaperone/third wheel that will help with date planning and conversation.

thank you for bringing this up. in spite of my advanced age, i never realized that i am an introvert until recently. coming from a family of extroverts, i always thought something was wrong with me!

its so interesting to read these letters - the awkward dates. i have always hated going out to dinner - the worry of not having anything to say, chained to the chair! and i do tend to gravitate towards "athletic" dates.

still, i don't think the LW should get too hung up on the labeling thing becuse i'm sure there are many degrees of intro/extro. i love the email idea - my preferred method of communication, to a point (the possbilities for mis-communication can get you in trouble).

my initial reaction to this letter is that if she feels so uncomfortable around the guy, that's not a good sign. but we all have to take a leap every once in a while and see what happens. i would suggest something where they're not sitting face to face - a walk/hike, a ball game/tennis match etc./ . something easy and low pressure for the first date. but then its either going to work or not - no matter what category you put yourselves into - its out of your hands. as an introvert it is of the utmost importance that you are comfortable with the person, so you absolutely have to feel that you can be yourself or it definitely won't work as time goes on. try to find other introverts perhap who are older and in long-term relationships and observe how they are themselves. don't go thinking you need to find someone just like their s.o., just observe your "introvert mentors"!

good luck!