Letters to the Editor
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Go Cary
... you hit the nail on the head with this one. If LW's brother is dying, the best way she can help herself AND him is by letting HIS needs be paramount in the way she relates to him, rather than by approaching him with HER needs uppermost. Take those to your therapist; that's what the therapist is there for.
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Your brother is dying
and you're worried about being left on the emotional B-list? Jesus, you are selfish. And NOW, that he's dying you are worried about "getting closer". What about the 50+ years you already had? Why didn't you try then? These are not things you can escape from. Your past isn't going to change however much therapy you go to. It sounds like your brother is attempting to die with some dignity. I suggest you try to find some, too.
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"Your stuff" is YOUR STUFF
and it's HIS DEATH.
He doesn't need or want "your stuff." He has no obligation to sacrifice what time he has left working through "your stuff." Help him die HIS DEATH without shoving "your stuff" down his throat.
Listen to Cary. Let him be.
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This really isn't about you
It's really about him. There's not much we get to choose in life - we don't choose how we are born, our family or anything else we come into. What we do get to choose, if we are very lucky, is how we will die.
Your brother has made it clear that he wants to leave in much the way he has lived (from your description). He doesn't want scenes or wailing and weeping and tearing of the clothes - save that for later if you choose to indulge your emotions in that manner. He wants to pass quietly and with as little suffering to anyone (including himself) as possible.
You are correct that his family is also suffering - you can comfort them and in doing so may comfort yourself. Your daughter may consider that this is a good time to reinforce her connection with her cousins and aunt as well as you with your nieces/nephews and sister in law. This is the family that your brother choose. You are not on the B list for anything You're his closest familial relative. You share his DNA.
As a matter of fact, it is times like this when people most appreciate that unasked for assistance. They appreciate someone to bring cooked meals and run errands and to sit with the terminal patient so they can take a much needed break. You can express your love by being available, taking on a share of his care (which will probably become increasingly difficult in days to come) and not trying to resolve your issues in the time that is left.
Your generosity may bring a lovely gift. As your brother nears the veil and sees your selfless gifts to him and his loved ones, he may want to discuss old times, unresolved issues and your shared childhood. If you try to force it to happen, he may view you as manipulative and selfish and justify your exile by saying you cause undue stress.
Give your brother this gift of love and peace and work out your issues on your own. Cary is right - accept that you will never get the answers you want - you might not have gotten them even if he were open to discussion. That's just the way we people act.
And remember, this is his death. Let him direct it as much as possible. Even if you chose to direct yours differently, wouldn't you appreciate your wishes being honored?
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Dying brother!
Visit your brother, hold his hand. It seems that the two of you were not very close in the past. A touch, word of kindness, I believe, will comfort both of you. Break the ice and show him you care. Jeanne F. Mattson
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Lay off
When my ex- husband came to my apartment to die he did not want to see much of people. He wanted to see his adult children and some members of his family. He spent one nice night with his brother and a shorter time with his sister and mother. His time and energy were carefully rationed by him. He did not wish to receive phone calls from friends or relatives. Stress of any kind sapped the life and precious time that was left. Be helpful to your brother's family and visit your brother only if he wants to see you. Your issues are your issues and this is HIS death. Take the lead from your brother. Let him know you love him and then lay off. This one isn't about you.
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Yikes, people
First of all, in a real sense, it is her death. It is a death she is experiencing from a very close perspective. This is not the death of a co-worker or a second grandaunt once removed she saw twice long ago at family parties. It is a death that will effect her, that will irrevocably change her and her life. That she is not the one parting from this world is, in terms of the reaction she's having, beside the point. It is a death that is going to have central importance in her life, up there with her parents and (if she should be unfortunate enought to outlive him) her son. And she's going through this in the absence of almost any family to support her. Under the circumstances, she must feel very alone. The loss from death occurs on both sides of the grave. I find it hard to believe that most of the people responding have suffered this sort of loss and, tellingly, the one person who has mentioned doing so was in the fortunate position of having the most time with the dying person.
Secondly, she clearly is not all wrapped up in herself. She acknowledges she is putting her emotions first, but that her emotions are not the first priority, and she is asking for an outsider with a more rational outlook to help her make the right decision. There is no idication that she's tried to hijack his time, or is unaware that her brother has needs that take priority.
Cary's advice is right on the mark, and I'm glad he acknowledges the importance of what she's feeling even as he balances it against what must be the priority: this man leaving this life as he sees fit, and as he is cabable of handling it.
She has clearly always felt isolated, and knows she will soon be irrevocably isolated from him. She has issues about that and needs to deal with them. I think she shows an admirble grasp of where she fits into this process her brother is going through and that Cary gave her good advice about how to deal with it.
I understand where she's coming from, and also the contradictory impulses to heal old issues and, at the same time, to put them aside for the more important immediate issues. We live in a culture that tells us we need to try our best to resolve our problems with our relatives so that we can be pyschologically healthy, and that if we leave certain things unsaid before the relative's death those things will torment us the rest of our lives. That's a powerful message in our culture, one connected to the most profound suffering most of us will experience. And it is repeated incessantly. I don't envy her the experience she is going through.
I wish her the best.