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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, so miraculously Cary seems to have hit one for a change.
It really is time to call a stop to this kind of religious hypocrisy -- no matter what religon you are. (I'm Jewish, and have attended my share of hypocritical Bar Mitvahs and bris's.)
If you don't care about being MARRIED IN THE EYES OF YOUR CHURCH, then why on earth would you care about your child being baptized? What could it possibly mean to you, as a religous ceremony -- except the presents and swag that go along with all such events? (Naturally, on top of the swag from a few baby showers, etc.) And of course, the showing off that occurs with all such planned, catered events -- basically setups to show your friends and relatives your affluence and "generousity" (displayed in order to obtain the above mentioned swag).
This kind of fake religiousity is demeaning in spirit to any religion and maybe all religions. If you want to be agnositic or athetist or pagan -- absolutely fine. But it's ridiculous to put on "pretend religous aires" simply because you want to throw a party and get some gifts. For example, you could simply throw a "meet our new baby" party, or a "naming party" or whatever -- get your festivities, have everyone over, get presents, etc. without dragging in some church or faked Christian leanings.
It is worth considering that this apparently happy, engaged couple had a minimum of 9 months (and probably quite a bit more time) to get married, and that a basic marriage (whether church or city hall) costs only what the license is in your state (maybe $50-60) and maybe a few dollars for the clergyperson/JP. And it takes maybe 10 minutes. Everything else (the dress, the ring, the photos, the big party, the gifts) is frou-frou and entirely unrelated the actual activity of getting married.
When I have known such couples (and I know several), the excuse for living together and having children, & considering themselves "engaged" but doing exactly nothing about actually tying the knot -- the reason seems to be the desire for exactly the kind of overblown wedding that the subject's "overblown christening" is all about. In other words, the frou frou has completely overtaken any spiritual or legal definition of either marriage OR christening, and the extraneous goodies (the party, the gifts, the fancy clothes, the relatives ) becomes the main focus. If such a couple can't get one of those over-the-top bridezilla weddings constantly displayed in magazines and tv shows, then they would rather just live together -- perhaps in the kind of half-hearted committment that so often leads to single parenthood somewhere down the line. (Hint: over 40% of all children in the US live in single parent household.)
My suggestion to the LW: cancel the whole damn phony thing and get what money back (for reservations and such) you can. Tell your relatives (dysfunctional, handicapped or whatever) the whole thing is off. Then sit down with your fiancee and think long and hard about what your spiritual values really are (presumably not Christian, since you scarcely seem to have an affiliation with ANY Christian church). It doesn't matter a jot what these values are, but it IS very important that YOU know what your own values consist of.
Get married, because that's in the best interest of your child's future and because you sincerely seem to love and be committed to one another. If you can't afford a expensive, blow-out wedding, get married simply at city hall. (See above.)
Then you can worry about what kind of christening/naming/whatever ceremony you want for your child. Cary (rarely) is right here -- first things first.
for when the in-laws and sibs assume they're staying with you or in charge or what-have-you: "Well, I don't know what to tell you." In other words, you'll have to figure this one out for yourself.
Get some backbone...you'll need it for the long haul (as will your finance. Doesn't sound like he has much.).
But this particular sentence should be printed in big bold letters. framed and hung on the wall: "What happens when your actions are inconsistent is you lose moral authority."
I wish half the world would read that sentence.
I must chime in with those who object to this woman having a christening if she is treating it merely as an excuse to have a perfect party. It's the natural progression of "I'm (foot stomp) the Bride, It's My (foot stomp) Day and It's (foot stomp) MY Way or Else!"
Christenings, like weddings, are about the family -- the baby or bride and groom are merely the props. Weddings are about joining families together; christenings are about welcoming a child into the church.
Years ago, my mother was in high dudgeon for months because my younger brother and his wife were not going to have their child baptised in the Catholic Church. It wasn't that she thought he should be baptised: It was that there would not be a member of our family baptised in the beautiful handmade christening gown that had been worn in baptisms by almost everyone in our family since my grandmother.
Naturally, she twisted this around and claimed it was about the Church, but of course it was merely the damn dress.
I tried to explain that my brother and his wife were actually showing more respect to the Church by not going through what would, for them, be an empty ritual. The baptism would amount to a promise they had no intention of keeping. But of course, the ritual was more important than the people involved. Just as it seems to be for your LW.
When my brother got married, our mother took off at the last minute to do some shopping. This was in a town new to all of us, so we were afraid she would get lost, which would put a significant damper on the wedding (if it were an ephisode of "Friends" it would be titled "The one where the Groom's mom didn't show").
At the time I felt that I had "lost contol". Since then, though, I've been involved in a 12 step group and from that, I've learned that in fact I never had control in the first place.
So if I had to do it over again, I'd relax and let it be, maybe, "The one where the Groom's mom didn't show". It's just a suggestion to the LW, but learning to just let it be the one where the Father's siblings don't make it due to some wheelchair logistics, or the one where they get mad at you because you say no, you can't stay at my house - well, it's an option.
I've found it to be a good option, myself.
I've no idea if you're Christian enough for a Christening. Sorry on that point. I promise to be more judgemental in the future.
Good luck.
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