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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
This sounds like a class issue to me. People from different classes have very different rules about visiting relatives and who stays with whom. I grew up lower middle class (family income for a family of six less than 30K annually, parents had high school educations), then went to live with my upper middle class aunt (family income in the low seven figures annually, plus capital gains, uncle a PhD from Stanford, aunt a college grad) when my parents died, so I've observed the differences. Both classes are hospitable, but in totally different ways.
In most lower middle class homes, the doors are always open. People don't really "plan" vacations per se, they just hop in a car and drive a few hundred miles when they can talk the boss man into giving them three or more days off in a row. They stay with relatives. Relatives understand this and a relative's house is ALWAYS open to another relative; it's usually open to friends too, and sometimes it's even open to strangers. Another note about visiting relatives: it's not only rude to the point of unthinkable to refuse a relative to stay in your home; it's also rude not to stay in their home when you're in town. It's a statement that their house is not good enough for you -- it also explicitily exposes their lack of space, if they don't have the room to accomodate you. Don't worry about hosting though. The lower middle class host's duties are light. If you turn on the t.v. on the way out the door at 7 a.m. on the way to wirj your guests will be happy until you return several hours later.
On the upper middle class side, it's extremely rude not to give ample notice when you visit. This isn't because they don't want to be imposed on necessarily, they just want time to plan. A visit with my aunt is wonderful. She'll go out of her way to host you -- she needs time to prepare though. (Has to buy tickets to whatever events you might interested in, get the boat out of the marina, rework the other appointments on her calendar, put fresh linens on the guest bedrooms that are going to be used, etc.) When she visits someone who doesn't have an extra room for her, she stays in a nearby hotel. Nearby is key here -- it would be a horrible imposition on the hosts to stay somewhere 30 minutes away just to save a few dollars. She's a polite woman; she wouldn't dream of doing such a thing.
When my sister in law got married, my wife and I opened our two bedroom house to mom, dad, three sisters, two brothers, one boyfriend, one uncle and three cousins. Someone literally slept under the kitchen table. The groom's family (who are middle to upper middle class) all got rooms in the same hotel. When my wife and I visit her parents, we always stay in their tiny, cramped apartment and sleep on the couch even though we can afford to stay in a hotel. Mom-in-law would wonder if we secretly think we're better than her because we're college educated professionals if we didn't. When sister-in-law and her husband stay with them, they get a hotel. I know this hurts mom's feelings, but she's also a cool lady who understands the world doesn't revolve around her so she's quiet about it -- to them.
I think a lot of supposed in-law trouble is really just trouble with dealing with people who aren't in the same class as you are. If a black man married a white woman, he would understand that her family does some things differently and would try to be as understanding as possible. How come when a person whose parents make 180K annually marries someone whose parents make 30K annually he or she expects them to follow the same rules he/she is comfortable with?
This sounds like a class issue to me. People from different classes have very different rules about visiting relatives and who stays with whom. I grew up lower middle class (family income for a family of six less than 30K annually, parents had high school educations), then went to live with my upper middle class aunt (family income in the low seven figures annually, plus capital gains, uncle a PhD from Stanford, aunt a college grad) when my parents died, so I've observed the differences. Both classes are hospitable, but in totally different ways.
In most lower middle class homes, the doors are always open. People don't really "plan" vacations per se, they just hop in a car and drive a few hundred miles when they can talk the boss man into giving them three or more days off in a row. They stay with relatives. Relatives understand this and a relative's house is ALWAYS open to another relative; it's usually open to friends too, and sometimes it's even open to strangers. Another note about visiting relatives: it's not only rude to the point of unthinkable to refuse a relative to stay in your home; it's also rude not to stay in their home when you're in town. It's a statement that their house is not good enough for you -- it also explicitily exposes their lack of space, if they don't have the room to accomodate you. Don't worry about hosting though. The lower middle class host's duties are light. If you turn on the t.v. on the way out the door at 7 a.m. on the way to wirj your guests will be happy until you return several hours later.
On the upper middle class side, it's extremely rude not to give ample notice when you visit. This isn't because they don't want to be imposed on necessarily, they just want time to plan. A visit with my aunt is wonderful. She'll go out of her way to host you -- she needs time to prepare though. (Has to buy tickets to whatever events you might interested in, get the boat out of the marina, rework the other appointments on her calendar, put fresh linens on the guest bedrooms that are going to be used, etc.) When she visits someone who doesn't have an extra room for her, she stays in a nearby hotel. Nearby is key here -- it would be a horrible imposition on the hosts to stay somewhere 30 minutes away just to save a few dollars. She's a polite woman; she wouldn't dream of doing such a thing.
When my sister in law got married, my wife and I opened our two bedroom house to mom, dad, three sisters, two brothers, one boyfriend, one uncle and three cousins. Someone literally slept under the kitchen table. The groom's family (who are middle to upper middle class) all got rooms in the same hotel. When my wife and I visit her parents, we always stay in their tiny, cramped apartment and sleep on the couch even though we can afford to stay in a hotel. Mom-in-law would wonder if we secretly think we're better than her because we're college educated professionals if we didn't. When sister-in-law and her husband stay with them, they get a hotel. I know this hurts mom's feelings, but she's also a cool lady who understands the world doesn't revolve around her so she's quiet about it -- to them.
I think a lot of supposed in-law trouble is really just trouble with dealing with people who aren't in the same class as you are. If a black man married a white woman, he would understand that her family does some things differently and would try to be as understanding as possible. How come when a person whose parents make 180K annually marries someone whose parents make 30K annually he or she expects them to follow the same rules he/she is comfortable with?
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